Hmmmm . . .

[Ellen]

I can't believe it has taken me a long time to realize that there are a great number of people I have encountered over the years - mostly men - who think that my reason for existing is to make them look good, clean up their messes, fix their problems, do their work, and generally rescue them by responding as though their lack of planning is my emergency.

Now, I'm all for helping people out when they are in a bind, lending a helping hand, and supporting people . . . but more often than not, time eventually tells that they simply aren't very good at what they have been hired to do, commissioned for, or entrusted with and their expectation of me to fill in where they are deficient becomes more and more demanding and intrusive and begins to take a toll on me - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

As I look back over the years, I see this pattern in the first abusive church situation I was in. The pastor and assistant pastor wanted me to do a great deal of their work in the area of worship music planning, preparation, and leadership - but, being a woman, I could not lead in front of the congregation. After I did all of the prep, the associate pastor would step in and lead during the services. When I told the senior pastor I wanted to "take a break" for a few months (I had two toddlers), the real abuse began.

A few years later, in another church situation, I was increasingly leaned upon by the full-time worship leader to do a great deal of his work. He went so far as to tell me, "If you look good, I look good, and if you look bad, I look even better." Then he set me up one Sunday to fail and I told the senior pastor that I couldn't help him out any more. I was black-listed for years.

I then went to work as a worship leader in another church and there, the pastor would constantly raise his finger to see which way the wind was blowing. One week, a person would complain that they didn't want to hear the organ so he would tell me to stop having any organ music. The next week, someone else would tell him they would leave the church if we didn't use the organ at least once each Sunday. I was to make all of these people happy. If the service went long because the pastor got long-winded, I was at fault for having too much music planned. I was always the problem.

Now, I teach instrumental music lessons in a public school. The band director is completely unorganized, does everything at the last minute, does not communicate well, and is constantly trying to force me to do his work. He has even ordered me to write up proposals as though I am him so that he can submit them as his own work. The administration thinks he walk on water.

I am so tired of people who are incompetent being put into positions that they cannot do and then being expected to rescue them. When I point out that they are not doing their job or that what they are doing is disastrous, I am the problem for pointing out the problem.

Does anyone else face this or is it just me? As I think back over the years, I would never have been in the spiritually abusive situations I have faced if other people would have just done their jobs and not expected me to rescue them. It's when I would set some boundaries and refuse to do all that I could to make them look like messiahs that they would then turn on me and tell me that I don't measure up, I'm not really saved, I am a bad person, etc.

Whose the real bad person here? Could it possibly be the person/people who have sold themselves as the messiah for whatever job they are supposed to be able to do but who in all actuality are incapable of doing it?

How aggravating.
Ellen