Just need to vent and share

[abbey]

Hi everyone: Ive been battiling alot lately. Some of you know that I have an iLLness. Ive just been diagnoised with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had prayed to God about 4 months ago, to help me, for I feared that I would end up the 'Crazy-aunt-in-the-attic." Ive struggled for years with emotions and behaviours that I couldnt pinpont. They said bipolar, major depression, Add etc. I knew the bipolar was wrong. My cult said whatever I had could be "cast out." *rolls eyes* Not that I dismiss a possible opression. But, theres so much more to. I came from a horrribly dysfunctional family. I in turn coped the best way I knew, thru drugs, escapism etc. I believe they finally got "It" Im certain they got it. Im a BP.

This I believe was an answer to that pray. I hope!

Borderlines have severe abandonment issues. Even the slightest rejection can send us down the path of anger, self-pity, self-medication and so forth. I recently met a fine Christian man. This was something I prayed on to, cuz lonliness is difficult. As this relationship developed, my behaviors of clinginess and obsession surfaced. No matter how hard I tryed, I couldnt stop the impusive emailing, calling etc.I opened up WAY too much. I figured get the "dirty" stuff out in the open. See if he can handle it. He said he could. Always assuring me he could. Was this from God? My 10 years of aloneness coming to an end? NOPE! NADDA. NOPE again.

He started to drift away. Not calling. Not coming by. No emails. I asked him, "whats the deal?" "Im busy" He suddenly became too busy for me. Well, boy did I get whacko! I had my hopes in this. I knew that I really wasnt capable of a relationship, but feeling pathetically alone, I figured, "with God all things are possible" Not in this case.

I was just diagnoised 4 months ago, and its enlightening and frightening. I AM attending a class specifically to deal with this most difficult to treat affliction. Its a year long and has a 24 hour hotline. We tend to self-harm, suicidal gestures/actions. I do sometimes feel suicidal, I wont lie. But Ive never mutilated myself or attempted suicide. But the other things, are right on target! Roamtic relationships are disaters. (ive not been in one for 20 years!) Black and white thinking. Depression/anx. Impustivity. (too many emails to this guy) Self-sabatoge. Drug/food/sex/shopping binges. AT least Im becoming clearer now. AT least Im understanding WHY i am the way I am. This is perhaps God.

We tend to screw everything up purposely, yet not consiously. Ive lost everything that meant anything to me. Including my salvation. I figure God understood that when something good comes along for me, I screw it up! But it appears as tho he doesnt. My friend said, "God understands your disorder." From my experience, He does not. For my impusivity created sin in which I was chastised.

BP struggle with close Intimacy. I figure we feel we dont deserve it. SO WHEN God came along to save me, I didnt receive as any normal person should. I blew it. My relationship with God is rocky. We fight! We wrestle. Im telling him how to run the universe. Its not GOOD! Obviously, this was compounded and magnifed by SA. The telling me I was basically a pile of crap in Gods eyes. I had sinned, been disobidient, and as I quote the first thing from my cult leaders mouth that fateful day, "No one deserves to go to Heaven, we should all be in Hell, We are worms, crap, garbage"

Im deeply hurting right now that a Christian man, whom I adored, SPLIT. I was WAAYYY to open and he saw red flags. But am I not good? NO! Am I a mean, evil son-of -a gun. NO! Im just a hurting, wounded, struggling human being, just trying to find a bit of happiness on this green Earth. Its eluded me for so long. YES! I tryed to explain this to Mr. Wonderful, only to make a fool of myself even more.

Im in pain again. But I realize that I need help, am willing to strive for a better way. Its still hard for me to be intimate w God. One side wants and needs Him with all my being, another side wishes he was a bit nicer than some of the scriptures portray him.

Im not sure what Im looking for here? Prayer, Guidance, acceptance. Im tired of people not acepting me for me. Including God.

Anything will help! Pray, advice, just anything.

A pretty bummed ot Abbey