god's who are not God

[Ellen]

I read "Soul Repair" last week. It's amazing to find a book that says everything I already know and yet, somehow, makes it "real."

The two things I realized most in reading this book are 1) the true God is a God of love and grace. His love and grace precedes anything that I have done or been accused of doing or will do in the future. His love is unfailing no matter how much I fail. And 2) the people/leadership who have branded me as unworthy, unacceptable, unwanted, unnecessary, un . . . (fill in the blank) are followers of a "god who is not God" and what they think or dictate has no bearing on my standing with the true God.

For the past few years, I was unable to sing in church. I thought God had gone silent because of some grave sin I had committed that no one would reveal to me. "Soul Repair" talks about God's respect for those of us who have been so wounded - a respect that is indicated by His silence. I realized that I couldn't sing in church because, while the pastors would preach correctly about love, grace, healing, restoration, etc., I had been told I would never be allowed to serve in the church and my participation was to be limited to attending services. I was unable to sing because the judgement they have placed on me is from "god's who are not God" and I simply could not worship their "god's."

For the past two Sundays, I have been able to sing! I have been able to look at the church leadership with the conviction that, while their "god's are not God" - mine is and I can and will respond to them with the fathomless love and grace that only comes from the true God.

I am in a quandary about this: The church is a "good" church in every way that I can see except in the way I am being treated. I have said in earlier posts that I have been told they can't tell me what I have done wrong and I can only speculate that someone (maybe my previous abusive church, maybe the former music minister who used people and then tossed them away when they were no longer willing to make him look good, maybe the women on the worship team who wanted my leadership position) made up lies about me. Granted, I am not a perfect person. I have had my moments of frustration, impatience, stubbornness, etc. But, I don't know of anything I might have done that is so heinous that I deserve to be shunned and ostracized for the rest of my life.

If I were to quit attending this church, I wouldn't want my family to leave as well (the teaching is great, we have several friends there, my husband is fully accepted and loved, my kids are deeply involved). I don't think I could bring myself to look elsewhere - I would just not "do" church anymore.

At the same time, the pastor and an elder that he has seek me out when he wants information, have many times over the years suggested that I leave the church. I'm wondering if I should honor his wishes and be removed from membership. This wouldn't affect my husband or children - our church doesn't require both spouses to be members. It would 1) honor Pastor Kevin's wishes, 2) release him from any "formal" (meaning he would have no compulsion to) duties to provide pastoral care to me, 3) release me from the sense of bondage that I have being yoked to a pastor/leadership who has pledged that I will always and forever be an outcast.

Essentially, this church truly is everything I would look for in a church - except for the rejection I am immersed in. I support their vision, their mission, their ministries. But my only allowable contribution is to the offering plate (which I am happy to do and would continue to do).

I'm trying to decide if this idea of dropping my membership is just me wanting to make a statement - or testing to see if anyone would care enough to try to talk me out of it. Or, is it truly something I need to do to free myself from the judgement I am under.

Your wisdom is welcome.
Ellen