God Forgive Me....

[mom24gr8tgirls]

It hit me like a ton of bricks today that I have spent the last 10-15 years chasing a Ministry... a vision that I thought I had gotten from God.. I have lived a selfish, driven life to pursue this 'thing'.. I have set my family aside more times than I can even bear to face and chosen to do the 'religious' act of serving until I was no good to anyone, especially my family. I have blamed my husband for the fact that the ministry did not take off...I let the striving for a ministry become more important than my children and all the while I believed that I was doing this for God... I am sickened with myself today and more grieved than I have ever known for what I have done.. I cheated my family out of the life we were to have... the remorse I am dealing with right now is more painful than any I have ever known...

For 15 years we have known no life outside of the church... we let friendships die out if they weren't with other believers... we don't even know how to have conversation with people who don't know 'Christianese".. Oh, the friends that I have lost in the name of doing 'God's work"...

How I will ever be able to forgive myself for this, I don't know... I am disgusted at who I have been all these years.. thinking that I found my 'niche' in the Christian world and forced my children to conform as well... and yet they are such incredible young women, who forgive so easily and continue to love me.... I was so desperate to belong and I sold out my family.

I don't even know what it really looks like to love HIM and follow HIM and walk with HIM in FREEDOM and TRUTH... all I know is what the church has taught us and now I question everything that I have ever been taught... I would get angry or frustrated with my kids when they needed new clothes because all of our money had been put into the church one way or another... all they have ever known is me fretting over money.... and then after giving all we had... wondering why it wasn't 'working' for us. Checking my heart motive and if I was giving with right motives.. wondering if I gave out of a greed to want to get... then getting on my face before God and crying out for Him to change my heart... how wicked it must be....we have done nothing more than 'scrape by' for years... some of that we have to take responsibility for, ... for sure... when we moved across the country... we 'gave' everything away... furniture... room fulls of it, antiques... kids items.. all in the name of obeying 'God's voice".... I really thought it was Him... now 5 years later... I grieve all that we have forsaken.... does He see that we thought it was for Him? Will we ever have healing and restoration in our souls? Have I lived a life following a god that I thought was God?

Please pray... I cannot tell you how my heart is aching... I fear that I will live the rest of my life in regret for how I have lived thus far... I don't know if I can endure and overcome this... it seems to be piercing my heart...