Book Review - Domestic Violence: what every pastor needs to know

[Carmen]

I just posted this on my blog:

Among other things, the results of 158 interviews with Catholic and Protestant clergy as well as interviews with victims, batterers and specialists in the domestic violence field are contained in the book. The author, Reverend Al Miles, is astonished at how many pastors are unwilling or do not really know how to deal with domestic violence in their churches. Many of them, according to the author, are even in denial that perpetrators and victims of domestic violence would even attend their churches. In this way they try to avoid the issue. Especially when abuse of all kinds is more than epidemic, pastors need to inform themselves on how they can better help every member of their congregations.

Many women are afraid to speak out, especially when they hear phrases like, “Not in this church,” (p. 51) or “save the marriage and family at all costs.” (p. 69) Victims perceive that their safety is seen in an inferior position to the marriage, no matter how dangerous the batterer is.

Even when domestic violence raises its ugly head, usually when a victim confides in her pastor, many pastors try to minimize the unwanted problem and encourage victims to forgive and forget. This may be the right thing to do in a normal marital conflict - but is a complete misfit when it concerns domestic abuse. In this way, the author reasons, pastors are telling victims of abuse that forgiveness is more important than their personal safety and that of their children who may also be victims of domestic violence. Many abusers go unpunished because their deeds are swept under the church carpet. Reverend Miles urges pastors to courageously hold these criminals responsible for their behavior instead of hiding behind the comfortable mask of “forgive and forget.”

The author adamantly makes it clear that pastors need to inform themselves about the dynamics of domestic violence and develop plans on how to deal with it in their own congregations. Reverend Miles stresses that pastors cannot deal with this problem alone and that it is necessary to work together with other professionals so that none of these women and children (and sometimes male victims) must face the perpetrator alone. “Supporting battered women is a complicated matter and, even with education and training, ministers must never attempt to be the sole caregivers of victims.” (p. 74) He stresses that if church leaders would truly hold abusers responsible for their actions that it would go a long way toward helping the victims. A spiritual slap on the hand of the criminal and simple acceptance of the perpetrator’s request for forgiveness simply hides the abuse and gives victims no help at all. When church leadership does not hold perpetrators responsible for their actions this contributes to the abuse already suffered by victims. Indeed, it can be called spiritual abuse.

This book is a must read for pastors and laymen alike. I have an extra copy that I will be loaning out to pastors in my area and encourage them to inform themselves about the true dynamics of domestic abuse.