self-talk

[dougjb]

Hi everyone,
A while back, I went into my “tar baby” closet and decided to embrace an old tar baby associate of mine called self-loathing. Some of you may be wondering, “What is a tar baby?” A tar baby is voice that becomes part of my self-talk, you know, that internal dialogue that we have with ourselves. The tar baby is there to give commentary, analysis, and feedback on everything that is said by initiating or responding to ones self-talk. Tar baby is like tar in that it sticks to you and the more you hang on to it, the tighter it clings to you. Its primary job is to create and amplify negative self-talk and to encourage you to agree with whatever ‘tar baby’ states. For example,
Tar baby – You are really stupid.
Self – Yes, I am really stupid and cannot do anything right.
Tar baby – You have never done anything right because you are completely incompetent.
Self – Yes, I am completely incompetent and should just go eat worms.
Tar baby – You should go and eat worms because you are completely unlovable, ugly, and you don’t even smell right.

I am throwing in a little levity here, but the point is that there is this thing called self-talk. I think you know what I mean, that on going conversation that goes on in one’s head that never seems to stop. Many years ago, I started to take note of what I was saying to myself as I would go through the day. It got to be a bit disturbing to realize what I was saying to myself.

What I started to do was challenge this internal dialogue of self-talk when it became self-debasing. There was sudden realization that I was confronting the most stubborn, combative, rancorous, and resistant person in the universe which is me. At least for my part, it is easier to here the truth from someone else than it is to face myself with the truth. I do not totally understand it, but there is some kind of perverse delight or pleasure by wallowing in the mire of my self-pity singing the old musical classic, “Poor, poor pitiful me.”

I guess this may be just the rumbling of a madman – poor, poor pitiful me. [wink] [smile]
Do any of you fine folks ever have to confront your wrong thinking and force yourself to tell yourself the truth – regardless of how ugly the process could be?

I have learned from experience that if I do not challenge negative thinking and those mis-beliefs, those tar babies in my life will seek to be the master of my thinking. What could be more miserable than being a slave to your own unregulated thinking? I find that the most powerful adversary in my life is me. There is a real distaste having to say to myself, “Self!!” You are attempting to believe a self-imposed lie, now quit it! This is where the mental gymnastics starts to become heated. I would love to believe that I am infallibly correct on everything even if I must do significant tweaking of the facts. However, if want to be free, I must first contend for the truth even within my neuro-net.

In the abstract, telling the truth to oneself should be an easy endeavor. The problem is that it is so dare personal, you know, all those emotions, ego, self-justification, rationalizations, plus all the other things the tar baby tells us. The way I see it, there is a very strong impulse to believe whatever we tell ourselves – maybe it’s just me. For example, if I say to myself that a certain individual is an absolute jerk and good for nothing and this self-talk goes unchallenged, then what is it that will influence what I believe about my neighbor is my self-talk? Ok, you may say that this person gave me a reason to tell myself about those things about them; therefore, I have the right to feel self-justified with my negative and destructive self-talk.

So, what happens, I can use the nugget of truth to self-justify negative thinking and emotions then stay on the mad treadmill of mis-believing thus avoiding the reality of my circumstances. After a long enough period of time I could be an expert in creating my own quagmire and staying stuck in the mud negative thinking. I do not believe this is will lead to freedom or spiritual health but a slave to the ravage thoughts directed at one’s self.

I believe that true spiritual health and recovery from abuse in all it malignant forms begins in one’s own thought life. If we are to control our self-talk and see life without lying to ourselves but telling the truth, then it will be the empowering thing, in my opinion, in our lives because the enemy of our souls cannot over come the truth. If we live in the light, then we can have truth life.

I just wanted to drop a few thoughts on the matter of self-talk. Does anyone else deal with this type of thing?

Dougjb
Some food for thought