Reflections about this forum

[dougjb]

Hi everyone,
I have been following the discussions of late and they seem to be rather vivacious and animating. In the midst of this dialogue, there are a number of people who seem to be rather distressed from a broad number of reasons. As a result, there seems to be some chop in the water. I do not know that I have any answers to anything but would like to share some thoughts about how I understand this forum and my understanding of its mission and purpose.
When I joined this forum, it was my understanding that it was designed to be a place for spiritual recovery for people who were on the receiving end of a lot of infelicities within the church that significantly damaged their lives. Even though, I believe, the original mission or purpose has a Christian orientation, I have never gotten the impression that the intent of this forum was exclusive to a specific group or groups, but is open and inclusive. I found that Christian recovery forum is very attractive to me because it is just that – a forum with an emphasis on recovery from spiritual abuse. I emphasize forum for a reason. I look at a forum as a medium or place where people from a multiplicity of perspectives are able to freely, safely, and openly discuss, in a civil and respectful manner, issues regarding a topic like spiritual abuse.
In this forum there exists a very broad spectrum of people coming to sharing a broad spectrum of experiences, ideas, beliefs, and opinions. I see this diversity of people with all the beliefs, and experiences as a tremendous learning experience in exploring the true dynamics of spiritual abuse. There are added benefits. Abuse is not the exclusive domain within Christianity/church. Abuse is found, whether one realizes it or not, in every arena of life. There are manipulators, control freaks, and the sort everywhere and they are able to exploit any medium whether religion, politics, economic, media, and so forth to work their craft. As we understand the dynamics of abuse in one arena, we are able to export these new insights in identifying abuse in other aspect of life.
The more diverse the group, there is an accompanying increase of wisdom, knowledge, and experience that can be brought to bear in understanding and hopefully arresting and disarming the power of abusive behavior.
In this forum there is a fascinating mix of people. When a diverse group of people come to share, there is an inevitable tension embedded with the very structure of the forum. Within this diverse group of people, there are also equivalently diverse experiences, beliefs, commitments, ideologies, experiences, assumptions, communications and language skills, personalities, individual histories, interpretations, comfort levels and the sort. When this vast diversity of thought and experiences, come together in one place to explore the causes and remedies surrounding abuse, there can a quick, possibly shocking, and even an uncomfortable realization that there real differences between what people believe is helpful and constructive and hurtful and destructive. I have no evidence that there is a single, unified, monolithic, monistic experience in the arena of spiritual abuse, but is as different and varied as it possibly could be imagined mixed with all kinds of ironies and paradoxes.
I will use myself as an example of this.
I was in a church in the 80’s and mid 90’s where the idea the manipulation was a good and legitimate means in ministering to people. What I needed to disarm these people was a clear, concise, precise, and specificity a belief system from the Bible that would be an effect counter to these malevolent individuals and their practices. Through a number of circumstances I end up embracing a conservative Christian Reformed/confessional doctrine as a counter to the massive manipulation and epistemological chaos in the church. Not only did this doctrinal system bring renewal to my faith; it became a profoundly effective tool to counter the manipulation and authoritarianism in the church. On the hand, there are people who have been burn within the reformed/confessional churches. So, what shall we say, is this particular group of conservative Reformed folk good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, righteous or unrighteous?
This is a predicament when two very different outcomes emerge from a single source. How can the same source be a blessing for one and the bane of ones existence for another? Can we in a forum like this exclude as bad, wicked, and horrible someone because it rubs another’s history and understanding in the wrong way? There is a say that goes, “you always see what you are looking at.” If look at things as a problem, we will only see a problem. Maybe in the plethora of our experiences there may exist opportunities present in this fascinating mix of humanity.
The point is that we can have differing histories with very different understandings of the remedy to the human predicament in the arena of spiritual abuse. In a forum like this that includes such a broad spectrum of people coming from places or experiences [both spiritually and geographically] who are bruised and hurt, there will be tension, triggering and the raising of the dander – I believe it goes with the territory.
For example, how does one react when someone writes a thread about a bad experience from a group that has been a source of blessing for someone? This is capable of causing some personal tension and triggers among other things. I do not believe it has to be a problem but an opportunity for growth. Spiritual abuse can happen anywhere, any time, and within any group. Through a forum like this with its profound diversity of people, we have an opportunity to see and understand how this malevolent evil is able to disguise and infiltrate the church or anywhere in all its various forms.
If a forum is to exist and be fruitful, there be will varying levels of tension when conversations seem to be running cross grain with each other while discussing a particular topic. Sometimes the tension spikes and there is the urge to seek a remedy to relieve the tensions and triggers. Lately, the stress level has been on the high side and there have been suggestions to alleviate the discomfort by employing various forms of segregation and censorship.
I do not believe that segregation of this virtual community by sending some into exile will helpful or fruitful for the recovery process. I agree with Jerry that “segregating ourselves so that we only associate with ‘Like Minded’ people is not recovery.” Sometimes it is difficult when there are disagreements, tensions, and triggers. If we segregate every time there are difficulties and disagreement we will end up with a 1,000 forums of one person.
Another tension area involves topics that cause triggers in individuals. Granted, we need to be sensitive to other people. However if we exercise censorship and prohibit discussion on topics that triggers people, we will not have anything to talk about. If we allowed everyone to write down what triggers them and formally censor it from the forum we would be delete practically every thread and post.
However, if it is decided that only one or two things should be censored, who is going to decide who gets alleviate from their discomfort and who should suffer and deal with those things that trigger them? I believe that for recovery to take place change is involved. If we attempt to escape and evade those unpleasantness's of life change and recovery will be compromised. I believe the members of this forum are strong, intelligent, creature, and motivated to embrace challenges. It is my opinion that the forum should remain intact and that we can work through issues together without being adversarial. I am willing to put my sword down – if I can find it. Grace and peace to all.

dougjb
Some food for thought