It isn't fair

[Katie]

Hi! I'm new here.

So do you ever get over spiritual abuse?

A part of me is angry that I am even posting here. I don't want to be a victim. I am angry that this ever happened to me, and that now my life is full of the consequences. I am angry that I have to be continually forgiving in order to keep my heart right. I am angry that I still think about this every day.

It's been almost a year, and I would like to just forget it and move on. But instead I am a changed person. I am scarred, I am cynical, and I am sad.

At the time we left, my husband and I both felt very strongly that it was God's will for us to leave without accusing the leader and without defending ourselves. I feel good about obeying God. But the silence of no one knowing what really happened is difficult.

I hate being perceived as though we are in error. I hate that close friends turned their backs on us and gave their loyalty to the abuser. I hate the fact that even the friends who stayed true to us, continue to follow this leader and have no clue what happened. I hate the fact that we are outside and alone while the leader is surrounded by admirerers.

The fact that no one knows causes me doubt and uncertainty. I have searched my heart, over and over. Yet when I lay all of the facts out, I can see that what happened to us was very wrong. I can trust God that there will be a day when all wrongs are made right, but I know that I will probably never see that day. I am sorry that I still wish I would. It is just so incredibly hard to live under the misperception of everyone who is or used to be your friends.

I want to be heard, I want to be understood, and I want to be vindicated. I didn't realize until writing this, how much I have held in. I feel it all, but have no place to express it. I haven't even poured out all of these thoughts to the Lord. I just keep going to Him over and over repenting for bitterness and forgiving again. I can see that I need to be more honest with Him about how much this all hurts.