Still 'wandering'

[Just_Another_Sparrow]

August 2005. I knew it was coming, I kind of wanted it to happen... at the same time didn't know where to go, what to do, who to trust. It still doesn't play right in my mind. One day I'm out front watering the grass, inside cleaning the restrooms and sanctuary, praying. Next, I'm there with the police taking only what I and my friend can take in the alloted time as I am not allowed back to get the remainder of my belongings.

I never planned for all those things to happen, but who does, right? I had a spouse who stalked and abused us. I couldn't leave, and couldn't go back once I'd left. Too scared. I was alone. It was just us two, my little one and I, but I felt surrounded by him, and sometimes them (spouse and the pastor). It felt like they ganged up on me because of all the lies he told them all. I was just a servant, just a janitor, just another sparrow.

I was gone for a year or so, then someone rose up and used an email to create a false me. I guess they couldn't start rumors while I was there, they had to be cowardly and do it when I couldn't be there to stop it... not that my efforts would have been useful anyhow. They would not have believed me if it came from my mouth. Using my name, my child's name, emailing the leadership, calling people names, hurting a dear friend (as my dear friend thought it was me they were talking to on the emails). We have since patched things up, my dear friend and I, but why for a moment would anyone even believed it was me? I was completly out of character for myself!

I keep thinking I might be over all that happened, but cannot lie to myself. I still get upset over some things, still feel the hurt, still do not understand why things went the way they did. I wonder what stage of grief I am in as it seems I am circling. I thought about going back and apologizing for offending the pastor and the rest of them, but I would be putting my child and myself in extreme danger! I don't expect an apology from him (the pastor) ever, nor do I expect one from anyone else. I just want to understand why they wouldn't help me when I was most sincere... and in danger.