What do you think?

[hornblower]

I felt so forlorn in my grief share group at this church Im going too the one where I go to the Stevens ministry. I found out (which I guess should be no biggy deal) that every single person that was at Grief share attends this church. Once the bag was opened that they all went except for me I am feeling totally left out and once again very lonely (sa issues creeping back in). Now I am realising that I am 'grieiving' losses from the SA at my former church since Ive not been able to go anywhere again for going on six years now. So since it is grief I shared about it in the now once a month group. The leader and I dont hit it off much. Shes not the leader now really but in any case she shoots me down on a regular basis. Its a personality thing I know it is, but I dont know what to do about it. She tries to shut me up. I dont let her I just go ahead and finish what Ive started saying. Its later on that I freeze up and go into my little hole and cant seem to retrieve myself. This last Monday night I cried all of the way home.
This time she loudly proclaimed "Well this is what you need to do about that situation you say 'get thee behind me satan' and you go on and you dont let those people bother you!" After I told them part of what had happened to me at that church.
In grief you are not supposed to 'fix' people.
Im supposed to be making friends but either Ive never known how to make friends or they dont want me as a friend. They all are doing a fantastic job of fitting in..........rave reviews of everything going on in that church .........YIPPEE!!!! Come to the services I will sit with you but they NEVER CALL ME NOT ONE OF THEM! I dont want to call people. I have called the previous leader the first time I went to this class, but she doesnt ever reciprocate. "You should have called me to go eat lunch with you?' she says, why didnt she ask me to eat with her first?
I shared much of this all of it really with my Stevens minister she suggested I go to a pastor there and talk to them, totally scared to do that like freaking out inside completely!
The group says you've got to go to church to worship, yes I do miss that but like I shared with them.....if I cant be myself and ever talk about my home life, my problems about my daughter, and not be talked about behind my back, why go anywhere at all??????????????
My Stevens minister says you should go to a councelor. Yeah well we've been down that road many times.
Pray she says.
Ask God she says.
"You should be 'led' one lady said. I replied I think my 'ledder' is broken.
Everything they say and do offends me. Im a mess! They get 'chills'..............blah!
"goosebumps' (?) blah blah blah! or is that bah bah bah?
One lady was running down her daughter in law and another was running down her in laws. I wanted to scream what if they were the ones that were now dead how would you feel then?
Everything a person says around me is under my scrutiny all because of those women at that church so long ago and all we experienced together and now its all, excuse me, but its so much bull..................oney? Im trying to be good here.
The thing is I felt so good Saturday at my beading class where those women were just themselves. It was shocking to me the lack of boundaries they had, some of them anyway. They were all over the place. Much of it was new age I know.......I personally loathe new age crap but the thing is..........I like the people that are into it. They are artistic and they dont really care who or what you are, rich or poor, you can gripe about your husband or your kids or anything its ok to do, they are in a league of their own and its all about being creative and whats next and isnt life exciting?
Funny but take church out of the equation and im good to go. But then one lady seemed interested in me and what I am doing..........she encouraged me in my work. It felt so awesome!
I go to this church I sit alone! I dont know anyone so they speak at first but then they have their friends and so when they come thats it........off they go.

I remind myself about a woman I saw at that SA church I went too. EVERY single Sunday she was there and very sad very depressed looking she never smiled. I was so drawn to her my heart just longed to get to know her..........not because of a ministry! D****** THAT STUFF! Because I dont know why I just loved her. She never spoke one word to anyone and nobody spoke to her either excpet for me.
I know this is one of the reasons I was shunned.
I included a very poor woman that danced and sang in our church. Nobody ever said anything but Im pretty sure they didnt want her in their group...........maybe anyway, cant say that for absolutely positive but this is what I believe in and its my heart to do these things.
Im drawn to the poor people and the lonely people but where Im going I dont see this too much.
I dont know what to do about the way I am.
Im way too picky now.
I really loathe this BSF stuff.
All of the rules.
They all dress the same, real lady like.

Have I become worldly????????? The bible warns about this and it bothers me a lot. "Dont love anything in the world or of the world"
I do love my beading. I love my art. I love my doggy. I love some fabrics at the fabric store. I love my artsy people. I love the beading store people.
Theres a lot I hate about this world too especially the cement jungle its vastly becoming.............I know the word isnt talking about nature its ok to love the earth I know nobody loves the earth more than God does after all He made this place............
am I of this world now because I dont like church?