Low Point in Recovery

[Scooter]

Hey there, everyone. I need to tell people who really understand...and I don't know what to do.

First off, I've started on the Zoloft now after tapering off of the Effexor. The Effexor was not helping with the ah - romantic - aspect of my life, which really bothered me as a (relatively) newlywed. It was also giving me weird, graphic nightmares. I'm feeling a little more like myself once again. Starting to have motivation and being able to think.

So that's going well, I guess. On the other hand, I've been having a terrible time with God. I have that empty, hollow pain inside. Didn't go to church three Sundays ago. The next Sunday I barely held myself together and started to cry and shake. I had to spend a couple of hours napping in bed to recover. Last Sunday I wanted to reject everything the pastor said about God's love and grace. Didn't want to sing. Didn't want to try. I just wanted to be angry. In the car on the way home, my husband asked what I think about when I stare into space during the service. I told him I think about how to make it until the end of the service. Then we talked about God, and I really snapped. I'm so MAD that every time I feel some ray of hope that I might be climbing out of this pit, I find myself right back in the same spot. Why should I keep risking it on God? For a short time I feel good, loved, only to have everything crumble away again.

It crushes me every time.

I'm bitter toward God right now, which scares me. I can't bring myself to pray, which I can usually do if it's for someone else. But not even that right now. I don't want to try, yet I feel guilty for not trying. I don't want God to touch me! I tell Him to stop it...leave me alone! When I imagine God loving me I get so angry, and the pain is like a hot knife tearing through me. It rips open this torrent of sorrow and tears and anguish...and I'm afraid of it drowning me. Why do I feel these feelings of fear and despair when thinking about God and grace and love? Why do I want to reject it? Why do I feel safer without it?

Then there's the guilt and the thoughts of "you're not living for God like you should. Look how you're rejecting God. It's your fault that you keep feeling bad. You're so rebellious and sinful."

*Crying in my soul*