Hello Again:

[hornblower]

Im back I stayed a lot longer than I had expected and it was a very good last week for me. I got a whole lot done. I took my daughter with me to the lake house week before last and things got pretty heated up a couple of times so my husband came down that weekend to help me. I was so worn out form everything I asked and decided to go ahead and stay and see how I liked being alone for a change. I like it. A lot!

Its not really like being alone because my husband and i talk to each other several times a day via cell phones. Really better than we do whn Im here because when Im here he always thinks hell see me later doesnt miss me that much and so doesnt want to talk.

The main thing is though that I ate what I wanted slept when I wanted did what I wanted and i got so much done!!!!!!!! I covered my couch its so cute all cottagey looking, and this old chair I bought in a garage sale years ago. Wish I could show all of you a picture of it. Its fantastic. Pained a painting, a small one but its cute. Then painted antigued a chair and a dresser and covered the little seat on the chair. Turned out fantastic.

I have a friend down there but as usual this relationship for me is less than desireable. She is so controlling. Now that I know her better sometimes i wonder why I choose to get to know such people? She elderly and sick and i dont really 'think' she knows Jesus not that same way I do anyway. Makes it hard to have a good talk a lot of the time. I have to be sort of dihonest or secretive in some ways and then not too. Back and forth. Anyway she is so needy I hate to not spend time with her. Too complicated for me.

We had the grandsons this last weekend for a last summer fling but then we had to 'deep' clean the whole house since i no longer have a vacumn claeraner down there my husband had to bring it. My son is bringing his friends there for this next weekend. My husband and I are both exhausted.........beyond tired and sore from all of the work we have been doing. Heavy lifting........not good!

So we make the long drive home, drop off the boys. Im so tired the road was getting dangerously blurrey. Guess who is waiting for us? My husband forgot to lock the doors in the garage. She quit her job and so my husband blamed me. She had called me at one oclock in the morning at the lake house. Sobbing and I was so tired I said my usual thing....... 'quit then if you cant take it'. AND she cant!

So now she needs more money from us. No food no toiletries no gas. I said stuff I shouldnt have which is anything practical, she screamed, he got upset with me for 'making' her scream. I shoosh her out of the house with my bitching. When we finally get to bed I have this dream that my Daddy is still alive. I wake up crying and notice a light on somewhere in this huge cave. She had come back, lost her cell phone!

Life sucks the life out of me.

I realised the personality disorder is more there than I realised. When Im at the lake house and alone I feel like Im me but when Im here with my family I always feel like I have to be someone else. When Im alone I can think clearly. Decide what Im going to do and then do it. My family swallows me up!

My husband was very proud of me but it was slow to come in words. If barely at all. All he said was negative things about everything I did. Its never enough. When are you going to do this or that?

I didnt do it for him anyway and I didnt expect anything to come from him or anyone but then this is why I want to be alone in the first place.
He feels bad about the way he is but its still the way he is you know?
I dont ever say anything good to him or anyone else either any more and I know better but now Im so bitter about everything. I tried for so many years Im just worn out from them all.
I feel bad about this but Ill tell you the truth I really dont care about my daughter at all any more. I do but I dont.

At least this experience shows me I can make some kind of life. I didnt make any money but I was productive with my time. That means a lot to me. I hate working at jobs they just steal the life right out of you in my opinion. Bosses are just like my family and my growing up family always critical always unappreciative. Its whats gotten to my daughter and I know she cant take it. I couldnt take it either but I did.............afterwards though everyday I wanted to die!

This is a very depressing post and Im sorry for it but its not really because if you all could see what I did I know you would be so happy for me as I am for myself! God helped me. He came through me to create and to work with my hands. He did it to help me gain strength on the inside and I am stronger much stronger.

I missed all of you. How has everyone been doing?????????????????????