I nearly cried reading all your replies, because just a few days ago I had been searching on the net for this kind of forum and couldn't find anything, and I thought maybe there is nobody like me except the others that were in my 'church'. and I just felt so alone. I tried counselling here but feel like my counsellor does not know how to deal with me as she has not dealt with anyone with the same kind of problem, so I'm not going to go any more. But I have been taking SSRIs and they have been un-expectedly helpful (I tried different brands before and they didn't work). This stuff has happened to me since I can remember until 2 months ago when we moved here (my friend who I told and myself), I am 19 now and don't undertand why I have been feeling worse now than I felt when it was happening.
Zacchaeus I know what you mean about finding your own beliefs - I have spent the last three years developing an ever-evolving philosophical theory which I have only recently decided must be christian. I don't call God "God" either, because God has always meant something different to me than what it is meant to mean. So I have a different name for him/her.
thank you all so much again for your kind replies,