Hiding From Love - September 23 - 2001

[Reg]

Here's another page from my journal as I started to uncover/discover how things in my life affected me and how broken my 'trust muscle' was.

September 23 - 2001 - Hiding From Love - 3 Major Areas of Trust in My Life

I just finished reading the first part about Jenny's story in "Hiding From Love". Certain parts of it I could identify with. The soldiers uniforms represent authority figures to me. Just as Jenny had an automatic escape route when she say them, so do I.

Because of my experiences in the WCG dealing with ministers there that I confided in & trusted, only to find out later how they used that to control me I shy away from those in similar positions at BBC. My trust has been completely shattered in the past in three significant ways.

First, when I found out my father wasn't my real father at 18 & lied to me all those years. I rebelled against his authority and society in large eventually joining the Vagabond Motorcycle Gang with my buddy Eddy.

Second, when my wife Lilly betrayed me & left me. I was heart broken. It took me the better part of two years to begin to get back to where I was before she left. I was utterly alone with NO HELP from my church or anyone else. I was only my daily contact with My Father accompanied by lots of tears (6 months) that helped heal the gaping wound. I had to rebuild my life - again, mostly relying on my own resources.

Third, I became aware how legalistic & abusive the church I was in, was. As my eyes slowly began to be opened, I distrusted the ministry who used spiritual & psychological manipulation of fear & guilt to keep us controlled. My anger was stirred and my rebellious nature kicked in. I was determined to let my friends in the church know. I found out that many didn't accept this very well & only a few welcomed the information. I knew it was only a matter of time before I left but wanted to help as many as possible know the truth. It was sort of like drawing a line in the sand. A few say what I saw but several couldn't accept it & I felt myself separated once again. They were in denial. Again, I had to rely (was forced to) on my own resources. Sharing over the years the many stories in regards to this on the Internet with those who understood and had similar experiences aided in my healing.

Coming to BBC has been a tremendous place to further my healing. Although I have been involved in several areas of service and ministry I have always felt there was something missing. I have not really connected or attached to anyone who did not understand my past experiences in my previous church. It is only the few who have come to BBC from the WCG that I can really talk to and share things with. It was a huge part of my life (29 years) & there's virtually NO ONE I can share that with.

So, I am only partially coming out from my hiding patterns & continue to have reinforced the need to depend on my own resources. It is only recently that I feel more connected to those at CR & will take little risks sharing some more of those experiences to sort of test the waters to see how "safe" they are. I know some of the things I say will disturb some who do not understand. When that happens, will I still be accepted or will the patterns of the past repeat themselves?