SMILING on the outside,crying on the in

[agapeluv]

I got to thinking about the recent post concerning eye contact. What seems to be a BIG PROBLEM for me and has been since I was a kid is that I smile almost ALL THE TIME. HUMMMMMMM, you might say, how can that be a problem. The corners of my mouth go up into what looks like ALMOST a permanent smile. When I do smile it is a BIG SMILE. This may sound strange, but I have tried frowning in the the mirror and my mouth does NOT COOPERATE. LOL. PROBLEM IS, with me looking like I am smiling all the time, EVERYONE THINKS I AM HAPPY ALL THE TIME and therefore since I have been a kid, a LOT OF people seem to think I don't have feelings like other people do. Sometimes I have this huge smile on my face and I am crying soooooooo hard on the inside. I am not talking about people who you hear that put a phoney smile on for church, I smile almost ALL THE TIME.

When my hubby and I were dating if I did not have a smile on my face ( which was seldom, it seems to quit long enough for me to rest my face as my muscles get sore, then it goes back to this big smile. LOL LOL) he would think I was mad at him and ask what he did. FINALLY I would get mad at him.

Our kids took advantage of this BIG TIME of course, because not only do I smile all the time, but I laugh very easily. I can be soooooo mad at someone and they can get me to laughing just by mentioning it. Our kids would push me until I was soooooooooo mad I wanted to SCREAM. I would tell them, Just becasue I am smiling does not mean I AM NOT MAD. They would say, that does not go together, you can not be mad if you are smiling. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, YES I CAN !!! LOL

I was soooooooo excited when I got saved and then baptized and joined our FORMER church as I thought being around christians it would be DIFFERENT----LOL LOL LOL ( it was WORSE ) , but right away SAMO SAMO, only it hurt even worse as these were SUPPOSE to be Christians. They seemed to think I did not have feelings. The pastor would pick on me unmercifully from the pulpit ALMOST WEEKLY and then say, I can't pick on others like I can pick on you because they would get upset. I learned to take it over the years because I was used to it from the OUTSIDE WORLD, so for YEARS did not say a word to the pastor. I sat there crying on the inside while so many of them would go along with him. sometimes I would go to the restroom during the services just to hide in the stall and have a good cry. It continued after my mom and grandaughter died, and THAT HURT !!!!!!!!!! It continued when I could no longer hold my tears inside and they were shooting out my tear ducts. I was then made to feel it was SINFUL for me to be crying. I WANT TO BE HAPPY, DON'T GET ME WRONG, but even happy people have feelings !!!

When I shared my testimony about the AGPAE LOVE MINISTRY at the church we now attend the pastor said when I got done that I am about the happiest person he has ever seen. he said, " I think they copied the walmart happy face after her. That made me feel good when he said that and I am sooooooooo thankful he is not at all like our FORMER pastor. He even cares about MY FEELINGS---PTL !!!

I love to kid with people, but there is a fine line between kidding and hurting. I TRY not to cross over that line and know that I do myself on occasion but it really bothers me when I think or know I have hurt someone. I have tried talking to some people when they have said hurtful things and some have said, if I hurt you, why are you smiling ???? GRRRRRRRR, because my mouth is that way !!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

I just had to get this one out as with hurting all the time from having fibromyalgia, with past and present hurt, I am not as happy ALL THE TIME on the inside as everyone seems to think I am.

OH, and this should not surprise you. GUESS WHAT MY NICKNAME IS ?????????? SMILEY, OF COURSE. I like being happy, I LOVE BEING HAPPY. I like to make other people happy , but I have feelings just like they do. I DO NOT LIKE HURTING PEOPLES FEELINGS BECAUSE I KNOW HOW BAD IT HURTS. I don't understand why people think just because a person is smiling that they don't also have feelings.

I have soooooooooo much to be thankful for and am so glad of that. You all have an AGAPE DAY. <<<< HUGE SMILES TO EACH OF YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY TOES TO MY SMILEY MOUTH>>>>>> LOL
YOU ALL ARE A BLESSING. I LOVE POSTING HERE !!!