Spiritual Abuse and Codependency (Revisited)

[Voyager]

Here is something I posted a few years back that I felt was worth resurrecting:

Looking back on my 12 years of involvement in a charismatic church that turned into a cult, I see one reality that stands out above the rest - this group fulfilled the needs of the codependent pastor. Think about it. What do codependents need more than anything? They need a lot of people to validate them and give them approval. Where could you find a better setting than a church to fulfill this need for the codependent leader? The second major need for a codependent is to control others, which can also be achieved in an church setting where there are vulnerable followers who cannot wait to follow the orders of an authoritarian leader (so that they can get their need for approval met also).

My former pastor was a codependent beyond a shadow of a doubt. She had been raised by an abusive, religious father who used emotional, verbal, physical, and even sexual abuse on her. She never got her father's approval. Even on his death bed when she told him she had been "saved", he replied, "We'll wait and see." Therefore, even though she started the church with the principles of love and grace, and determined not to become anything like her father - she eventually reverted to the same shaming, controlling, and manipulation that her father used on her and her siblings. The church became a performance-based cult, and her codependency thrived in a setting where she could control the lives of the members (codependents feel safe when they are in control). She went as far as telling people who to marry, where to live, where to work, how to wear their hair and makeup, etc. It became a codependent cesspool. The leader was so charismatic that at one point the church grew to over 450 members (but has since dwindled to about 50 as most of them have escaped for the very reasons I did).

So many of us see church as a necessity to be spiritual and follow God, yet we try and try again to find a good church to no avail. Why is that? Well, based on what I just wrote, many churches are run by codependent leaders. These self-proclaimed "leaders" are drawn to church leadership because of all the needs it will fulfill, and then other codependents are drawn in for the same reasons. I must admit, I was drawn into church because of my own codependent needs. I realize that many of you get tired of hearing the word "codependency", but I cannot get away from it. Most of today's churches serve to foster codependency as opposed to interdependency.

We don't have to join a codependent group to follow God - but if you are a codependent, you are drawn to them. They feel so right, but every time we get involved in them the same cycle repeats itself. I don't have any intentions to go through that hell over and over again. I simply cannot bring myself to set foot in a group that exists solely to meet the needs of a codependent leader. I can spot them a mile away.

On the other hand, I'm sure that there are churches that are not fueled by codependency. These are the churches that our former leaders referred to as "dead" churches. There is no dictator at the helm, no members competing for the pastor's approval, no scapegoating, etc. However, many of us wouldn't feel comfortable in such a setting because it would not fulfill our needs as a codependent.

Someone posted this on another forum that I visit:

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An appropriately interdependent individual cannot survive in most modern churches. One is not allowed to say "no" in a healthy way, whether to altar calls or missions.
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That is a very logical assumption. Most of these codependent churches need to be replaced with support groups for codependents, because the churches are turning them out in record numbers.

The term "codependency" seems to be tossed around quite a bit, so just exactly what is codependency? Melody Beattie, author of "Codependent No More", sums it up as:

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"A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior."
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In that sense of the definition, I would not qualify as a codependent. However, my former pastor and any other manipulating, controlling pastor would. Anytime you try to control someone, you are abusing their individuality.

Here is what the psychological health experts Hemfelt, Minirth, & Meier, authors of "Love is a Choice" define as codependency:

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"Codependency can be defined as an addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the codependent, control, or the lack of it, is central to every aspect of life. When it comes to people, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self — personal identity — is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems."
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This definition is much broader, and could possibly apply to almost half of the population. Let's face it, we all try to get our way at times. You could not be successful if you didn't try to make things work in your favor. However, the dependency comes to play when we cross the line and attempt to derive our self worth from external sources. However, this may apply to anyone who has a low self-esteem.

I believe that the very nature of the authoritarian structure in most modern churches opens the door for codependent relationships to thrive in. You don't find nearly the level of submission at work or grocery shopping that you will in a pastor/follower relationship. It seems to me that people are very willing to completely abandon their will to a religious authority figure, even as if they were actually submitting to God Himself. I don't see this level of vulnerability and self-denial in our day-to-day relationships with friends and family.

Regardless of what the term codependency means to us, there is definitely abuse waiting to happen when you place an unaccountable, self-appointed individual obsessed with controlling others in as a spiritual leader over a group of vulnerable, submissive followers.

Here's another definition that someone posted on another forum. This one seems to be the most accurate to me:

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Codependency is when you take care of people in ways that make them dependent on you. It's a form of keeping them in bad patterns by constantly helping them.
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Many pastors use terms like "covering" and "coming under authority" to begin the dependency cycle. Then they fill the follower with fears and superstitions to make them spiritually and emotionally dependent on the leader. The follower is taught to fear the outside "world" and that the only protection is to be "in the center of God's will", which usually involves becoming 200% submissive to the leader.

What a mess!