god's who are not God

[Ellen]

I read "Soul Repair" last week. It's amazing to find a book that says everything I already know and yet, somehow, makes it "real."

The two things I realized most in reading this book are 1) the true God is a God of love and grace. His love and grace precedes anything that I have done or been accused of doing or will do in the future. His love is unfailing no matter how much I fail. And 2) the people/leadership who have branded me as unworthy, unacceptable, unwanted, unnecessary, un . . . (fill in the blank) are followers of a "god who is not God" and what they think or dictate has no bearing on my standing with the true God.

For the past few years, I was unable to sing in church. I thought God had gone silent because of some grave sin I had committed that no one would reveal to me. "Soul Repair" talks about God's respect for those of us who have been so wounded - a respect that is indicated by His silence. I realized that I couldn't sing in church because, while the pastors would preach correctly about love, grace, healing, restoration, etc., I had been told I would never be allowed to serve in the church and my participation was to be limited to attending services. I was unable to sing because the judgement they have placed on me is from "god's who are not God" and I simply could not worship their "god's."

For the past two Sundays, I have been able to sing! I have been able to look at the church leadership with the conviction that, while their "god's are not God" - mine is and I can and will respond to them with the fathomless love and grace that only comes from the true God.

I am in a quandary about this: The church is a "good" church in every way that I can see except in the way I am being treated. I have said in earlier posts that I have been told they can't tell me what I have done wrong and I can only speculate that someone (maybe my previous abusive church, maybe the former music minister who used people and then tossed them away when they were no longer willing to make him look good, maybe the women on the worship team who wanted my leadership position) made up lies about me. Granted, I am not a perfect person. I have had my moments of frustration, impatience, stubbornness, etc. But, I don't know of anything I might have done that is so heinous that I deserve to be shunned and ostracized for the rest of my life.

If I were to quit attending this church, I wouldn't want my family to leave as well (the teaching is great, we have several friends there, my husband is fully accepted and loved, my kids are deeply involved). I don't think I could bring myself to look elsewhere - I would just not "do" church anymore.

At the same time, the pastor and an elder that he has seek me out when he wants information, have many times over the years suggested that I leave the church. I'm wondering if I should honor his wishes and be removed from membership. This wouldn't affect my husband or children - our church doesn't require both spouses to be members. It would 1) honor Pastor Kevin's wishes, 2) release him from any "formal" (meaning he would have no compulsion to) duties to provide pastoral care to me, 3) release me from the sense of bondage that I have being yoked to a pastor/leadership who has pledged that I will always and forever be an outcast.

Essentially, this church truly is everything I would look for in a church - except for the rejection I am immersed in. I support their vision, their mission, their ministries. But my only allowable contribution is to the offering plate (which I am happy to do and would continue to do).

I'm trying to decide if this idea of dropping my membership is just me wanting to make a statement - or testing to see if anyone would care enough to try to talk me out of it. Or, is it truly something I need to do to free myself from the judgement I am under.

Your wisdom is welcome.
Ellen

[Jerry]

Originally Posted by Ellen

But, I don't know of anything I might have done that is so heinous that I deserve to be shunned and ostracized for the rest of my life.

If I were to quit attending this church, I wouldn't want my family to leave as well (the teaching is great, we have several friends there, my husband is fully accepted and loved, my kids are deeply involved). I don't think I could bring myself to look elsewhere - I would just not "do" church anymore.

Dear Ellen,,,
You say the teaching is great ,,,,,Oh is it really ???? What are they teaching you and beyond that,,,,,,What are they trying to teach your family about you ??????? No ,I am sure I wouldn't be interested in anything they teach........a good friend of mine once asked me this question "If the blind lead the blind,,,,,will not both fall into a ditch ????? What would you answer Ellen ????

Love Jerry

[mom24gr8tgirls]

Hi Ellen,

sounds like you have been through a lot.... at more than one church.

My concern would be how all this effects your marriage and family as you mentioned a husband and children. I don't see how 'church issues' wouldn't somehow effect the family.... you mentioned that your husband is accepted fully.. does he see the shunning towards you? How does he handle that? Is he supportive and protective of you? Has he confronted the issue with the leaders? What is his stance on all of this? And how do you feel about where your husband stands on the issue?

the reason I am asking is because my husband and I have been lay marriage counselors for 8-10 years at various churches and 'church issues' do effect the marriage and family. So, I am not trying to pry... just concerned about how this will effect you all, over time.

Praying for your situation.

[Hope 98]

The issue that stood out to me is that they preach the right thing, but they act in a way opposed to what they preach. The net result sounds like they're teaching hypocrisy. My reading of the gospel tells me that Jesus found that pretty much the worst of all sins.

[Ellen]

See, here's the thing: I live a fabulous life. I have a husband who adores me, 2 wonderful sons who are just turning 20 and 18 - one is a high school senior/part time college student, and the other is a college sophomore. Both live at home since the college is 12 miles from our home. I have a very well paying job (trust me, what you've heard about teachers being underpaid - not true in my job, I can't believe they pay me this much to do what I do!), lots of friends, my co-workers are great, my students are amazing.

My husband grew up in this denomination and is so grounded in his faith that he doesn't give a rip what anyone thinks. He has never wanted to serve in the church - be an elder, Sunday School teacher, youth leader, or anything of the sort. He has always known that churches and their pastor as well as congregations are far from perfect and he doesn't have any desire to involve himself in the politics of it all. His deepest desire is to please me and to raise his boys to be men of integrity - and he has achieved that.

I believe that the church leadership has been led to believe something about me that is, at best, based on twisted information. In fact, as I've thought about it today, I have decided to make an appointment with the senior pastor and ask him this question: "What is it that I have done that is so heinous that it isn't covered by Jesus?" His response will tell me what I need to know.

My husband and I don't discuss this situation in front of our sons or with anyone else in the church. We first saw it as a misunderstanding because of the two women I have mentioned before since that's when it came about. We thought it was something that would "blow over" with time. In a church of 2500 people, I can't possibly be the biggest concern on their minds. But, apparently there has been something said about me that has branded me for life. And at this point, I am truly clueless.

My husband would like to see me just let it go and not let it bother me - in this respect he is very "male" brained (if you are familiar with gender research) and this is what he is able to do. But, I being female, am one who has a difficult time just letting it slide off and moving on. I want to "fix" it and end up "fixating" on it.

My husband constantly reminds me that I have a very full life and a "ministry" in my work place unparalleled to that of any by an organized church - I teach in an impoverished community with most of my students being from broken homes, several step-family members, siblings whom they have never met, family members involved in drug use, trafficking, etc., a culture a violence, and a huge minority population that fills the streets and neighborhoods with gangs - and this is IOWA! Because I have such a powerful avenue to share Jesus' love, my husband thinks I should thumb my nose at the church and rest in knowing that God has given me a higher calling. And he's right. I'm the one can't/won't let go.

Nothing that is preached is out of line with what we believe. Nothing that we observe is out of line with what we believe. This church is the most generous church I have ever seen - giving away millions of dollars every year to people near and far, planting three churches in the past 6 years - all within 45 miles of themselves.

The pastor makes less money than I do and tithes 20 percent back to the church. He is the one you see cleaning up the bathrooms after preaching at 3 Sunday morning services. He parks as far away from the church as possible in the school lot across the street - so that no one else has to walk farther than he does. He can often be found washing dishes in the kitchen after conducting a wedding ceremony or a funeral. Children come to sit on his lap during the singing portion of the worship services. I have never seen a pastor more servant-hearted.

I shied away from him from the moment we first came here because of my previous experience - an experience in which my husband did all of the things mentioned below and it only made matters worse. He was accused of harrassing the pastor at our previous church simply for asking what in the world he was doing by the way he had turned against us. Once burned, twice shy. In an abusive church, even the most gallant of actions gets twisted into something malicious. And, as I've said before, in his mind, being grounded in faith, nothing anyone says or does is that big of a deal - vengeance is God's.

The only people who have spoken to me about not involving myself are an assistant pastor (5 1/2 - 6 years ago now) and the elder whom the senior pastor sends to talk to me. I have spoken with the senior pastor at length only once in 6 years and that conversation was not centered on what I felt was wrong with him.

Our church has over 60 elders and deacons so meeting with an "elder board" would be like meeting with an entire congregation in a small church. I doubt they have any idea that I have been told to refrain from involvement. If they had, many are my friends and I know they would have said something about it by now. They all know how busy I am and so they assume I'm not involved because I don't have the time or energy (and they would be right IF I had the choice . . . my anguish is over the fact that I don't have that choice). And I have no idea why.

And I haven't had the courage to ask.

[mom24gr8tgirls]

Thank you Ellen, for being so transparent about it all. Sounds to me like you do have a wonderful, supportive and loving husband and family.

I understand the 'male brain', as my husband also seems to let things 'go' and I tend to hang on and have more emotion about them.

I grew up in Iowa!!!! we moved to the southwest 5 years ago and hope to be leaving it soon! Good for you in your work.. sounds like that too is very rewarding for you.

I will be praying for you... and how the Lord would lead you to deal, confront or let go of all of this. He knows what is best... and I pray that He will be clear with you and that there will be closure and healing for you in all of this.

Blessings.

[Jerry]

Originally Posted by Ellen

The pastor makes less money than I do and tithes 20 percent back to the church.

If he doesn't apply a soothing balm to your soul,,,,,,,,,,his 20% is for nothing

Love Jerry

[Ellen]

You are right, Jerry.

I have requested an appointment.

I am going to ask the pastor to tell me specifically what I have done that can't be/isn't covered by Jesus. I'm open to the idea that I have done something that needs to be brought to my attention so that I can deal with it correctly - make apologies, ask for forgiveness.

But, if he tells me he can't disclose it, I am going to tell him that I believe his unwillingness to carry out Matthew 18 with me is a sin against me and if he cannot correct it, apologize, and ask my forgiveness, then I cannot consider him my pastor.

Ellen

[Gayle]

Originally Posted by Ellen

You are right, Jerry.

I have requested an appointment.

I am going to ask the pastor to tell me specifically what I have done that can't be/isn't covered by Jesus. I'm open to the idea that I have done something that needs to be brought to my attention so that I can deal with it correctly - make apologies, ask for forgiveness.

But, if he tells me he can't disclose it, I am going to tell him that I believe his unwillingness to carry out Matthew 18 with me is a sin against me and if he cannot correct it, apologize, and ask my forgiveness, then I cannot consider him my pastor.

Ellen

Good for you Ellen.

I would agree the church isn't a church unless they are ministering to their own as well. Bet you're not the only one in your situation in that church. And I bet those 2 women would never allow themselves to be bullied into a corner as they've done to you. They would loudly be letting everyone know.....Wish you the best! Gayle

[Ellen]

Finally got an email with regard to my request for an appointment. In his email, the pastor said he is willing to meet with me and then asked if it would be possible for my husband to attend. He said there have been "past misunderstandings" and that he would like to avoid more.

I spoke with my husband (not that I needed to), and then emailed the pastor back that he would be more than happy to attend. Now we wait to hear when he would like us to show up.

Ellen