Not on Same Page With Husband

[Grey]

OK, this bothers me. Hubby is able to go to church, even teach classes. I know he struggles, but he seems so much more spiritually together than I am. What really upsets me is that I told him. I broke down in desperation, crying, and told him staying in that group was spiritually killing me, I wanted out. They had such a hold on him that he STILL didn't want to leave. He knew they would upbraid him for "heeding the voice of his wife" and not being enough of a "leader" of the house, etc. I was so upset, but I felt God told me to listen to my husband and stay, and He would protect me there. So in my breakdown, I console my husband and tell him I would stay if that was his choice. He had felt so pressured with no escape that I just couldn't make demands. We did wind up leaving a few months later by his choice. But now here he is, involved in a new church and it makes me mad that I can't handle it.
I'm more mad at them but I guess I'm unhappy at him, too. Even though he's said he's sorry, which makes me feel guilty. I think I forgive him, but when I see him doing better than I am, it makes me jealous. I wouldn't wish him to be more like me, it's good that he is healing, I just feel I've been left in the dust when he was part of the reason I'm in it in the first place. Not just by keeping me in the group, but by persistently guiding me a certain way all through the years. I don't wish him to be dragged down, I just wish I was doing better, up to his level, if that makes sense.
I know, he was a vicitm, too, and we all heal at our own pace. Just had to get it off my chest.

[Jerry]

Well you don't convince me that your hubby is doing better than you,things are not always what they seem Christ said that,,,,,,"In the Kingdom to come,many of the last shall be first,and many of the first shall be last"....Judging the spiritual depth of another is for the most part speculative and a little like skating thin ice

Love Jerry

[Grey]

Thanks, Jerry,
I do know for sure he isn't questioning even the most basic theology like I am. Maybe I shouldn't think of it as him doing "spiritually better", but he can teach Bible classes, and I can't even talk about God because I feel I don't understand anything at all. He can also attend church and talk to church people without wanting to run away.

[Jerry]

Originally Posted by Grey

I can't even talk about God because I feel I don't understand anything at all.

There ya go,,,,,your the superior one

[JaniceB]

Originally Posted by Grey

Thanks, Jerry,
I do know for sure he isn't questioning even the most basic theology like I am. Maybe I shouldn't think of it as him doing "spiritually better", but he can teach Bible classes, and I can't even talk about God because I feel I don't understand anything at all. He can also attend church and talk to church people without wanting to run away.

Could be you're in the anger stage of healing and he's still in denial. Nothing wrong with each of you being where you are.

I had to quit going to church with my husband for awhile. I know, the old crap they give you about "the family that prays together, etc." but I think it's the family that cares about each others needs and respects and supports each other in meeting those needs--that's the family that stays together.

Now he has a new job and he's working on Sundays so I'm off the hook. I can do what I want!

[Elisabeth]

I think that your title of this thread, "Not on the same page with husband" says it - you are just not on the same page. Some people after spiritual abuse, they can go right back to church, right back to talking with other Christians - but have a huge hole in their heart. That was me. And it has taken me a long time to heal - 20 years. I am just now really feeling like I am part of the group. And others have to take a break, sometimes for years, from church. There is nothing wrong with that. Also, your husband sounds a lot like mine in that he's not questioning. Sometimes with spiritual abuse you are taught so hard that to question is a sin, that any questions are shoved down. Don't think they don't exist at all. And I know that it's difficult not being on the same page, especially if you have been used to following his leadership, but recognize that since we are individuals sometimes we do have to figure things out differently. It doesn't seem to me like either one of you are necessarily further along in healing - you are just taking different paths.

My husband and I are, in a way, on different paths also. I'm going to a new church start up, very contemporary, mostly young people. My husband only goes to church sporadically. When he does go, part of the time he goes to my church, to be with my son and I, but part of the time he goes to a fundamentalist Baptist church. I know he prefers the fundy church, but, for me, not only do hymns trigger me, but also I find the doctrine of the church way too controlling.

[Grey]

LOL, Jerry...

Thank you Janice & Elisabeth. I guess I have been going my own path this past year since I left the church. I've just suddenly realized it is better we're on different paths right now. I've been so used to deferring my spiritual opinions to his. If he was struggling the same, I'd still be following his lead. This is something I need to do on my own. Wow, eureka, blow the trumpets, I'm finally getting it, LOL.

[Grey]

Originally Posted by JaniceB

Now he has a new job and he's working on Sundays so I'm off the hook. I can do what I want!

That's good, Janice. I'm glad for you.

[Grey]

Originally Posted by Elisabeth

My husband and I are, in a way, on different paths also. I'm going to a new church start up, very contemporary, mostly young people. My husband only goes to church sporadically. When he does go, part of the time he goes to my church, to be with my son and I, but part of the time he goes to a fundamentalist Baptist church. I know he prefers the fundy church, but, for me, not only do hymns trigger me, but also I find the doctrine of the church way too controlling.

Did you come out of a fundamentalist church? I did. It feels good to me to not feel pressured into going. Hubby is leaving it up to m e, I am so glad. Have you just started going back?

[Elisabeth]

Originally Posted by Grey

Did you come out of a fundamentalist church? I did. It feels good to me to not feel pressured into going. Hubby is leaving it up to m e, I am so glad. Have you just started going back?

I was abused in a fundamentalist church. I have actually been going to church for years now, churches that are as far away from Fundies as I can get! I stay with the contemporary churches that don't try to give a lot of "rules" and beat you over the head with a Bible.