one step forward, one step back

[tetralih]

I have had a very curious few weeks. I have become more proactive in my recovery, that is I am actively facing my issues instead of running from them and really focusing on healing. It was going good for a while. I could actually sit through a church service without a freak out moment and can actually talk about "voldemort" (my nickname for the church and pastor since I don't tell the actual names) and not feel like I am on a oneway ticket to hell for saying bad things (but truthful) about the church and its teaching. I felt I was making progress. The biggest moment was when I preached in a church of the same family of denominations and did not freak out. To me that was huge that I could walk into the type of church and preach and face all those fears.
Then the freakout happened. I was working a Kairos Outside and during a big, beautiful moment when the spiritual director started to pray, she prayed in a tone and used the vocab that instantly through me back. I am shaking and crying and finally HAD to get out of the room. I am upset that a prayer took me back and more upset that I had to explain to the lady who was next to me that a prayer flashed me back. I worked a camp this weekend and found every excuse to stay out of the chapel sessions because it was easier then explaining a freakout if one happened.

I love the ministries I work in but I am feeling like I need to turn my back since the little things freak me out. I guess I had to share what is going on just to finally let someone know.