Anger, pain, Hurt and forgiveness

[anxious_me]

I've been with my boyfried for almost 4 yrs. We have been through a lot together. At first he used to smoke lots of weed and do drugs. and look at porn, chat online with other women etc This hurt me so much, we argue all the time. Now for about a yr he dosent do these anymore. Atleast as far as I know. Last April, I found out he tried it on with a so called friend Nov 2007. He said he was sorry, that he wanted to be with me, he stopped all the drugs, weed etc and started trying. Even when I got upset, he didnt get angry. But I am so angry, all the time, shouting and screaming matches take place, almost every weekend. The neighbours are probably fed up. But I don't know what to do with myself anymore. He never believed in God before me, and he says what kind of a christian am i that I can't forgive. I don't even know that answer anymore. Last night was more shouting and screaming and me bringing up things from the past. All he has to do, is 1 thing to annoy me and it all come out. It wasso bad I scratched myself with a knife and tarted hitting him. I hate behaving like this. I feel like I have gone mad. BTW this so called friend was my best friend friends cousin. best friend of 19yrs and she knew and didnt say anything to me. so i am hating her too. i don't want to be like this. i want help. i think i have to leave him now as i have hurt him so much. i think the neighbours hate me and i dont know if i feel intimidated but i dont feel welcomed in the churches here. i also have no where i can go and no friends who can help me. i just keep thinking i want to disappear. please help me, i dont know what to do with myself anymore.