Anger, pain, Hurt and forgiveness

[anxious_me]

I've been with my boyfried for almost 4 yrs. We have been through a lot together. At first he used to smoke lots of weed and do drugs. and look at porn, chat online with other women etc This hurt me so much, we argue all the time. Now for about a yr he dosent do these anymore. Atleast as far as I know. Last April, I found out he tried it on with a so called friend Nov 2007. He said he was sorry, that he wanted to be with me, he stopped all the drugs, weed etc and started trying. Even when I got upset, he didnt get angry. But I am so angry, all the time, shouting and screaming matches take place, almost every weekend. The neighbours are probably fed up. But I don't know what to do with myself anymore. He never believed in God before me, and he says what kind of a christian am i that I can't forgive. I don't even know that answer anymore. Last night was more shouting and screaming and me bringing up things from the past. All he has to do, is 1 thing to annoy me and it all come out. It wasso bad I scratched myself with a knife and tarted hitting him. I hate behaving like this. I feel like I have gone mad. BTW this so called friend was my best friend friends cousin. best friend of 19yrs and she knew and didnt say anything to me. so i am hating her too. i don't want to be like this. i want help. i think i have to leave him now as i have hurt him so much. i think the neighbours hate me and i dont know if i feel intimidated but i dont feel welcomed in the churches here. i also have no where i can go and no friends who can help me. i just keep thinking i want to disappear. please help me, i dont know what to do with myself anymore.

[Willow]

Dear anxious_me,

I - as another emotionally distraught person - can empathize with your emotional pain. Even the knife part. It's just natural that when our emotional pain is overwhelming... physical pain becomes an escape. However... it's not a solution and you are here looking for solutions. You're BRAVE! Go GURL!

I don't have a lot of wisdom to offer on the boyfriend situation. It would be really hard to start over once the trust has been broken so badly in the past. I'm not sure what you should do. But... whatever you do, it should be for your own sanity and not to protect him. Think of your own wellbeing in this instance and pray to God for wisdom. That's all I know to do. I have a guy friend who won't date women because of some of the exact same problems. He just figures it would cause too much damage to a relationship so he doesn't do relationships. I love the stuffing outta this guy too... it's hard not to wish for a deeper-than-friendship relationship. Anyway... it sounds like your boyfriend is taking steps in the recovery direction. That's GREAT! It gives me hope that once you get the past hurts resolved... you're relationship may be stronger and better than ever.

OK... that's my 2¢ worth.

HOpe it helps.

Amy

[Anna Marta]

Emotional pain from being betrayed and wounded by someone who you believe loves you is one of the most difficult to bear... and get through. There is no way out, one has to go through the pain and allow it to refine you. People who try to escape only repeat the process...

I sense a deep yearning in you to love and accept someone into your heart and life who you can trust and who will love you as much as love him. By your description it sure appears that you have not found that person.

I have always believed that God has His hand over all His children and a plan for their lives. I also believe that means He created a special person for me too. Actually He did, but I jumped ahead of Him and latched onto (the wrong) someone. I was impatient and tried to meet my own loneliness and needs because I did not think I could tolerate being alone. I hated being alone and was afraid all the time that I would spend my life alone and never have the things I saw others had in a loving relationship.

Funny, I did not fall in love with my husband, he became my best friend (who I did not have to impress or be afraid of) and we decided to spend the rest of our lives together and it grew into a deep and unexplainable love. The first time I had passion and romance and jumped head long into something that was not good for me. The second time I limped along, cried, listened a lot and became comfortable and safe without realizing it was love. Weird, huh? I did not trust men and he did not trust women, but we found we could trust each other.

Maybe you too need to find out that loneliness is not the same as solitude. I needed to experience the peace of how to live with solitude and take time to discover the deeper things God wanted to share with me.

Take a chance and be alone for awhile... use that time to read about personalities and healing of past wounds and give your mind time to learn and understand what has and is happening inside of you. I bet you will find out that you are not experiencing something that many of us have not gone through. It is only those who allow themselves the time to go on the discovery journey who find the real treasure. You have a treasure. You can find the pattern in your life and recognize what you learned. You, like most of us, probably have not taken the time to do that.

I'll tell you how I started. I took a roll of paper and started at one end I drew a line horizontally down the middle. That line was my "okay feelings line" things that were good I wrote above the line and things that were negative below it. I began with my date of birth. I then charted every event that was important to me where ever I felt it should be above or below. It was amazing how many really good things there were... (as well as bad ones). I included stuff I could remember as far back as I could in my childhood. Daddy bringing me a glass of milk in the middle of the night before I was 5 yrs old... A friend doing a mean thing when I was 7. When I was done I went back and wrote in names of people who helped me. I discovered God had placed specific people at specific times when I needed them.

See this is why one needs a ROLL OF PAPER... the longer the life the more paper we need!

There is a book "To Be Told: God Invites You to Coauthor Your Future", by Dan B. Allender This book helps you to look at your life and helps you go through your life to find the meaning and worth behind it and then to set out for a future by learning from your past. It is not an easy thing to do and will take you some time and thought - so you will need to have hours to spend on yourself. I promise you it is time well spent.

You are a person worthy of love and worthy to love someone else.

I hope this is encouraging for you. So put the knife down, the rat out and pick up the paper and pencil... You have work to do that will help to ease the pain much more than causing more pain so you don't feel it -or- causing yourself injury so someone will feel sorry for you.

You are woman - you can do it! You are also NOT alone. You have sisters here who care.

Love
Anna Marta

[hornblower]

I have been and am now where you are in your feelings. The thing is that foirgiveness doesnt mean that you dont have feelings. You have been hurt and if you will permit me.........this is my personal belief that I also beliecve is backed up in the bible that just because you are boyfriend girlfruiend doesnt mean that in Gods eyes you are married. God doesnt go by a piece of paper, a marraige certificate, maybe mankind does, but that mans foyble. When your boyfriend commited adultery against you he also did that against God so to speak.
I dont understand what the big deal is about adultery but God does. I read what the bible says about it all and it sounds pretty dogone serious to me. I believe the word says that if you stay with someone that did such a thing its like you are doing it too since you condoned it yourself by forgiving it.

You read it and see what you think ok? You know this was a loing time ago of course and we all have to remember in those days people were stoned for such things.
Now remember I am telling you that I am and have been in your same place so I completely know what you are talking about. I have had my anger for many many years. Im trying to get over it too. I have forgiven I have done this done that and its really still to this day not in my head about whats the deal God why wont this go away? Im suspicious and I get mean. I castigate myself over and over for it but then I think on these scriptures and I wonder about this whole thing here?

Maybe I shouldnt have stayed. I promise you I have prayed and prayed about all of this. Nevertheless the truth of it all is......I didnt do it to him he did it to me. He wasnt the only one either too thats the thing. I believe the anger is there because of the injustice of allowing myself to put up with it at all ever!
Who am I really mad at? Him or is it really ME!
I think its me.
I think thats why the anger never goes away because I keep on plauying this game with him and with myself.
I think Im punishing him but why over and over again? Maybe its myself that needs the punishment for allowing the world to tell me how to live being a woman, becasue my dear friend even the president wife puts up with such things and in public! instead of God telling me how to live my life being a human being?
Maybe I should ask God to forgive me for allowing myself to be treated this way and ask Him to help me get well?
I dont know the answers Im looking for them and putting this stuff out there because believe me you are not alone. If women would be honest most of us have gone through this same type of thing.

How do we feel while they watch porno? Does it hurt? Speaking for myself yes it hurts deeply! Dioes it hurt when they lkook at other women and make comments? Speaking for myself yes it hurts!
Why doesnt the church address this issue why dont christian women talk about it ? because they have sold themselves a pack of lies thats why.

Im for myself am tired of playing games. I think we are doing these things to ourselves, we are used to the abuse and we are scared of leaving for fear of having nothing and no one, and thats what is making us angry!

At this point I am wondering what am I really so afraid of? Is it the loss of financial gain? Wow, thats really pathetic! Isnt that close to being something like a prostitute?

I know a woman down here in this desert land of cowboys that said to me lately.............you know why my husband is nice to me?????? So to speak thats what she was saying to me.......I asked her yes why is he? "I make more money than he does!"
Yes my friend thats it!

My daughter in law has a perfect husband in every way, (almost because believe me I know this guy since hes my son and hes not completely perfect.) but why is he? Well for one thing I myself wouldnt put up with him being like my husband and disrespecting women and I made him clean up and learn to cook and the whole nine yards, I didnt wait hand and foot on him at all. Then on top of that he married a good person and they waited a long long time to make sure about that. AND.............she doesnt put up with anything!
She too probably makes more than he does. She never yells at him.....why? Shes got it down to a look. He pays attention and so ...........so far its working awesomely.
Thats the only marriage or relationship Ive ever seen that worked. In my whole life its the only one. Nope wait there was one other one.........she was the same way..........she is very homely and he,believe it or not is very handsome and rich too, good job everything..........so how did this happen? God did it. Yep he did. She could not believe it and neithe could I but one night we were praying and God told me it was going to happen to her. She had made up her mind to never have a relatyionship at all. She knew what she was and was completly ok with it having decided it was just her lot in life.
They are both ministers in the presbyterian church now. Beautiful marraige completly compatible.
I dont know how or why its a God thing. Few and far between.

If you come to an understanding for your anger let me know,in the meantime all I can say is my heart goes out to you and I wouldnt let anyone make you feel guilty for it. Pray about it as Im sure you have as I have too. Know you are not alone.
I am here and so are many others that have suffered this same fate.

[hornblower]

Oh forgive me but Id like to add this one thing.........if the tables were turned and you were the one that had done this to him where would he be now and would he not be bringing it up and be angry at you still?
You might ask him? No that you are going to get an honest answer but maybe hes better than I give him credit for?

[JaniceB]

Originally Posted by anxious_me

...he says what kind of a christian am i that I can't forgive.

Forgive doesn't mean trust. He would really have to work hard for a long time to earn my trust after all that.

JaniceB

[SpinningHead]

What kind of Christian are you??

Maybe the kind who's sick of being treated like a doormat. The kind who knows forgiveness does not equate a loss of self-respect and dignity. The kind who is sick of drama and is needing some peace and quiet with God to eliminate some harmful and hurtful (not to mention unhealthy) relationships. The kind who know she is a princess of the High King and the King's plan for His daughter is not a cheating, abusive narcissist who says something so stupid as "Yeah, I cheated and I'm sorry but you're a Christian and you're supposed to forgive me!"

That's what I got out of your post anyway...am I close?

[Reg]

Dear anxious_me,

Good advice by SpinningHead and the rest.

Here's something that may help you sort it out. I read it and it helped me a lot in this area.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Re...6201334&sr=1-1

[beezer]

Dear Anxious Me,

God gave us emotions. You have a right to feel angry, jeolous, etc. You also have a right not to trust these people. You were betrayed by your boyfriend and others that are suppose to be close to you.

His actions and the others actions are signs that something is not right within them. It is not you... It is something within them that they can't be trustworthy. Only they have to explore why...hopefully with Christ as their Councilor or someone that has Christ leading them.

My concern with you is that you may be "co-dependent". If so, you need to also explore why you allow abusive relationships to continue in your life.

As far as forgiveness... One can forgive over and over, but God does not expect His children to be abused over and over until their own spiritual self is damaged. You are a child of God and you deserve better treatment than that!

I say this because I am also concerned for your emotions effecting you spiritually.

You also can "forgive them for they know not what they do". If you tell them how you feel and they downplay it as if you have the problem or can't forgive, then they are continueing to disrespect you...and abuse you. They need to realize that they have to earn your trust again. They are abusers, like God's children that mocked and spit on Christ at the cross. They didn't recognize Him as being from God. They didn't respect Him for who He was. They humiliated and abused Him.

They are doing this to you...and you have Christ within. They are doing this to Him too.

It is not a healthy relationship. You must forgive, because they are children that God cares about...but by no means do you have to put up with it.

Please find a good pastor or councilor to help you.

God Bless,

Beezer