Love and Respect - Amy's version

[Willow]

well... rather than rant off Anne's post... I thought I'd get some feedback for my version of "Love and Respect". Isn't that a song? Oh... I'm thinking of "Love and Marriage... go together like a horse and carriage".

Here's the deal... I am HEAD OVER HEELS for a man. He's got other girlfriends. I "kind of" qualify as a girl friend, but I also work for his business and am a recovery friend... as well as just an overall supportive pal. I've had crushes on guys before and as soon as I like someone I generally run away (the feelings are just too intense and I'm afraid of rejection once I feel vulnerable). This is different. Instead of running away, I worked through the fears. This is THE FIRST TIME EVER I'VE DONE THAT. It's a really BIG DEAL in my recovery. So... he talked me through the fear stage and now I'm attached by the belly button to him. I love him soooo much. It's kind of like that syndrome where people fall in love with a therapist. I'm not sure what they call that.... but it's a deep thing. I keep expecting him to push me away, but he doesn't. I keep expecting that one day I'll finally get the message that he's not really interested and he just didn't want to hurt my feelings. That hasn't happened either. He's a lot more experienced than I am in romantic affairs. He probably has several girlfriends even now. He just doesn't make a big deal about it and doesn't have "A" girlfriend. He has had "A" girlfriend since I've known him... but he's very forthright about the fact that he's not a "one woman" kinda guy. I reckon that's why he's divorced and never remarried. Anyway... that's his recovery stuff and at this moment it really doesn't affect my friendship with him.

The respect part? Well... this is what I struggle with. Since I love him more than he loves me... I'm afraid I will call too much... need too much.... want too much... expect too much from him. I'm afraid my neediness will negatively affect the relationship. As far as I can tell it hasn't... but it does keep me with my guard up. I feel like I'm walking on a floor of fragile glass with army boots on. Any time I check - which I do often and compulsively - he tells me stuff like this:

"You did great I am a big boy

thank you though your to much

and to hard on your self

HUGGS"

Is that sweet or what??? I guess I haven't blown it yet. He's really really busy right now... working lots of hours. So... I try not to call much. He calls me sometimes... but I usually am the one who calls him. I spend so much time thinking about him and talking to him in my head. It's kind of ridiculous. Maybe I'm just normal and lovesick? It definitely feels kind sick! Apparently it's not scarey sick or else he'd be scrambling away from me...

So... I guess maybe I'm not crowding him... or doing anything that's too disrespectful of his space and privacy. I do wonder sometimes though....

[Anne]

hmmm...I sure don't know Willow.

I guess you've got basically two options...believe him when he says you're fine...or don't and constantly be trying to second guess both him and yourself?

I don't know. And I'm certainly not the "love" expert.

But I do know that with my husband I just sort of new I wanted to be with him. And he definitely wanted to be with me. And we just took one day, one step, one phase of the relationship at a time. *shruggs*

I'm hoping the best for ya both!

(((HUGS)))

[Willow]

Thanks Anne... I appreciate the reply a lot. I was beginning to feel somewhat silly and childish for having posted it! Sometimes there are things that aren't exactly the right thing to post on a forum such as this. I hope I didn't do anything wrong. Unfortunately... it was too late by the time I thought of deleting it... my personal stuff is a little immature and embarassing for my age. I should have gone through this kinda stuff in my 20s but was too busy in the cult. Does that make sense? There's a lot of others who are like me and never dated or got married. It was just too hard to balance it... plus they warned us that we could so easily fall into sin... I just never braved the process back then. Now I find myself aging and still single and rather immature in this arena. So... I just ask a lot of silly questions and try to get feedback from people who are already long ago through this process... and I'm enjoying the process in some ways. Other ways it's like tickle torture.

Thanks for letting me bounce off of your original topic... it unlocked a nest of stuff for me!

[Anne]

Originally Posted by Willow

Thanks Anne... I appreciate the reply a lot. I was beginning to feel somewhat silly and childish for having posted it! Sometimes there are things that aren't exactly the right thing to post on a forum such as this. I hope I didn't do anything wrong. Unfortunately... it was too late by the time I thought of deleting it... my personal stuff is a little immature and embarrassing for my age. I should have gone through this kinda stuff in my 20s but was too busy in the cult. Does that make sense? There's a lot of others who are like me and never dated or got married. It was just too hard to balance it... plus they warned us that we could so easily fall into sin... I just never braved the process back then. Now I find myself aging and still single and rather immature in this arena. So... I just ask a lot of silly questions and try to get feedback from people who are already long ago through this process... and I'm enjoying the process in some ways. Other ways it's like tickle torture.

Thanks for letting me bounce off of your original topic... it unlocked a nest of stuff for me!

Aw! It's not silly at all. This is a recovery forum, right? Well, I would think that moving on from the situation you were in that prevented you from being comfortable living out this part of life, and into the present where you're trying out your wings in this area of your life would definitely qualify for forum fodder. I think you're just fine.

I wish I had more helpful things to share with you. This part of life, the relationship with "that special someone", romance, etc. remains so much of a mystery to me. One person says you're supposed to approach it this way, Another that way. Oh, no - do it like so-and-so did it. OH, No! That's not the way, do it like this person over here - they did it the right way, etc., etc. ad infinitum. You know what I finally decided for myself? God made no two people the same. Why in heaven's name do we think any two relationships will ever look the same?? So...that kind of limits the advice I am willing to give. I just don't feel like ruining it for anybody. Go out there and have a relationship and see what happens, is what I finally decided for myself. I prayed, obviously, throughout mine and my husband's budding relationship. And each step of the way I kept feeling like God was simply saying, "It's ok. Just take the next step; see what happens." But that was mine and my husband's relationship. It worked beautifully for us. The only advice I guess I can give anyone is to pray about it and do what your gut (the Holy Spirit's still small voice) tells you to do.

Yeah, I know what you mean about doing something as an adult that some folks experienced as kids or youth. Some people may think it's bizarre. But who cares what the heck they think? It's your life God gave you, you're the one who has to live it, by jing! Let them live theirs. Besides, chances are they've got some pretty silly stuff "at home" too...even if it is stashed in their closets. lol!

I've been doing a lot of living life like a kid lately. And going through stuff - oh my goodness. My husband and I both are very childlike in our love of life and each other - it's wonderful. But when I mentioned that my "best friend" had been there to comfort me when the man I thought I was going to marry walked away from me? That man was not the man who ended up being my husband. And while I did cry on my friend's shoulder that day and did experience some emotions having to do with grief, I primarily just did what I learned to do with all my emotions - keep them to myself and lock them up. So I'd never completely healed up and ended up going to a counselor aver a year ago to deal with those old feelings. I did not want feelings for an old boyfriend to ruin my marriage to the wonderful man I have now. The problem I discovered? I never went through a "break up" period! As a teenager I had never had a break up before that boy left me (all of this story is central to the SA I experienced, spiritual abuse loves to attack this part of life I think especially). So what was I doing, per the advice of my counselor? At the age of 26, two years into my marriage, I was playing Cher and Sting in my car - break up music! I was a 26 year old married woman and internally I'm "breaking up" with on old boyfriend! How ridiculous. But! It needed to happen, and I sure as heck didn't know how back then at 18 due to the ridiculous circumstances encompassing the whole mess. *sigh* All that to say, I know what you mean. And hey, at least you're doing it and living, right?

And yes...in a lot of ways it is like tickle torture. Deep breaths from time to time are essential.

[hornblower]

Willow nothing is silly about love.......its serious stuff............and much abused too I might add.
When someone has a good straightforward heart like yours it sets them up. I believe Im such a person............heart first brain later.........but Im out there and honest and I try to be good and loving...........

the big question is do I love myself? the big question is do I take good care of myself the way God wants me too?

How much time do I spend doing good things for myself..........heres and this is just my list of why Im not where I should be in the loving myself agenda........do I plan my days and nights and get my priorities in order like for instance God, me, my man, others, other stuff, in just that order or is it more like God maybe or is it really God doing this stuff?, my man, others and what they think about me, the dog, the cat, the house, the cooking, the work, and then me.........see my big mistake?

Hows your list coming along?
I think this guy has a legitimate thought........he is a big boy..............BOY, a boy, Willow............have you see Enchanted?
and yeah you might be a little too hard on yourself...........why is that?
Hes a boy and he sees that.
Have you loved your............self today?

Love is a huge question..........God is Love.........what does that mean exactly?


Romance is so wonderful its my favorite thing...romance and fantasy......now reality.......... thats a whole nother bag...........

[Willow]

Originally Posted by hornblower

Hows your list coming along?

What list do you mean hornblower?

Maybe I just haven't been around enough... but I've never felt quite so taken card of before by a guy. They all expect me to take care of them. This one has been really nice to me at a core level. He's not always perfect, but his idea of me is not as a surrogate mother.

[Janice]

Hmmmm..definately sounds like love to me.

Will keep your relationship in my prayers. If it's meant to be then it will happen.

[Lamisa]

Willow,

I don't think there is anything wrong with you posting about these things and asking for feedback. But I want to encourage you in this: You deserve a man to fully desire to be with you.. And being in a relationship with a man who allows you to feel that you need the relationship more than him is not necessarily healthy. I mean, you deserve to have a man who is willing to make you feel loved and desired. And "not being a 'one woman' kind of man" is just selfish. If he still wants to play the field that's fine, but you deserve a man to be willing to take you seriously. And if he has "other girlfriends" that doesn't really speak of him putting you very high on the priority list.

Hopefully some of the men on here would be willing to jump in and give you an honest perspective about this. But you seem like such a kind, beautiful, gentle woman, and though we are probably all working on having healthier and more positive self images, I just hope you can see how wonderful you are, and that a man should pursue you. You deserve that..

I know I am pretty young, but I got saved when I was 18 and from that point had a strong desire in my heart to be married. But one thing I knew was that I was unwilling to be in a relationship with a man who did not think I was worth pursuing. And that means that he will move past the fear and uncertainty and risk, and reach out, take me on dates, romance me, and make me the only woman that he treats that way. I decided at 18 that I was not willing to be with a man who wouldn't do those things, and I would rather be single than be with a man who couldn't pursue me.

So, at the time and throughout, the sacrifice seemed hard, b/c it took 5 years before a man seriously pursued me. But my husband and I were friends and I thought he was a really wonderful man, and one day, his eyes were opened and he said "Wow, you look so beautiful!" and after that he asked me out to coffee and started spending time with me and after two weeks asked me to be his girlfriend and after 4 months (we were both entirely in love and committed to one another) he asked me to marry him.. we've been married a year and 3 months now and are very happy with each other!!

now I don't think I am any kind of expert, but willow... I just hope you can take the time to gauge your own worth(because you have SO MUCH) and know that just because you aren't in your twenties, it doesn't mean that you need to lower the standards!! You deserve to be Loved and Romanced by a man who is willing to make you the ONLY one in his life!!

I hope that is encouraging!!

also, I have some wonderful single girlfriends, some in their twenties, some thirties, some even forties, they Love the Lord so much and have been so hurt by our old cult (one of them also spent away her youth working for the church and is now in her forties, single, and hurting very bad)

But I know that they have always said "Its better to be single, than to wish you were"

=)Good advice, it definitely kept me from the wrong men before I met the right one!!