What do you think?

[hornblower]

I felt so forlorn in my grief share group at this church Im going too the one where I go to the Stevens ministry. I found out (which I guess should be no biggy deal) that every single person that was at Grief share attends this church. Once the bag was opened that they all went except for me I am feeling totally left out and once again very lonely (sa issues creeping back in). Now I am realising that I am 'grieiving' losses from the SA at my former church since Ive not been able to go anywhere again for going on six years now. So since it is grief I shared about it in the now once a month group. The leader and I dont hit it off much. Shes not the leader now really but in any case she shoots me down on a regular basis. Its a personality thing I know it is, but I dont know what to do about it. She tries to shut me up. I dont let her I just go ahead and finish what Ive started saying. Its later on that I freeze up and go into my little hole and cant seem to retrieve myself. This last Monday night I cried all of the way home.
This time she loudly proclaimed "Well this is what you need to do about that situation you say 'get thee behind me satan' and you go on and you dont let those people bother you!" After I told them part of what had happened to me at that church.
In grief you are not supposed to 'fix' people.
Im supposed to be making friends but either Ive never known how to make friends or they dont want me as a friend. They all are doing a fantastic job of fitting in..........rave reviews of everything going on in that church .........YIPPEE!!!! Come to the services I will sit with you but they NEVER CALL ME NOT ONE OF THEM! I dont want to call people. I have called the previous leader the first time I went to this class, but she doesnt ever reciprocate. "You should have called me to go eat lunch with you?' she says, why didnt she ask me to eat with her first?
I shared much of this all of it really with my Stevens minister she suggested I go to a pastor there and talk to them, totally scared to do that like freaking out inside completely!
The group says you've got to go to church to worship, yes I do miss that but like I shared with them.....if I cant be myself and ever talk about my home life, my problems about my daughter, and not be talked about behind my back, why go anywhere at all??????????????
My Stevens minister says you should go to a councelor. Yeah well we've been down that road many times.
Pray she says.
Ask God she says.
"You should be 'led' one lady said. I replied I think my 'ledder' is broken.
Everything they say and do offends me. Im a mess! They get 'chills'..............blah!
"goosebumps' (?) blah blah blah! or is that bah bah bah?
One lady was running down her daughter in law and another was running down her in laws. I wanted to scream what if they were the ones that were now dead how would you feel then?
Everything a person says around me is under my scrutiny all because of those women at that church so long ago and all we experienced together and now its all, excuse me, but its so much bull..................oney? Im trying to be good here.
The thing is I felt so good Saturday at my beading class where those women were just themselves. It was shocking to me the lack of boundaries they had, some of them anyway. They were all over the place. Much of it was new age I know.......I personally loathe new age crap but the thing is..........I like the people that are into it. They are artistic and they dont really care who or what you are, rich or poor, you can gripe about your husband or your kids or anything its ok to do, they are in a league of their own and its all about being creative and whats next and isnt life exciting?
Funny but take church out of the equation and im good to go. But then one lady seemed interested in me and what I am doing..........she encouraged me in my work. It felt so awesome!
I go to this church I sit alone! I dont know anyone so they speak at first but then they have their friends and so when they come thats it........off they go.

I remind myself about a woman I saw at that SA church I went too. EVERY single Sunday she was there and very sad very depressed looking she never smiled. I was so drawn to her my heart just longed to get to know her..........not because of a ministry! D****** THAT STUFF! Because I dont know why I just loved her. She never spoke one word to anyone and nobody spoke to her either excpet for me.
I know this is one of the reasons I was shunned.
I included a very poor woman that danced and sang in our church. Nobody ever said anything but Im pretty sure they didnt want her in their group...........maybe anyway, cant say that for absolutely positive but this is what I believe in and its my heart to do these things.
Im drawn to the poor people and the lonely people but where Im going I dont see this too much.
I dont know what to do about the way I am.
Im way too picky now.
I really loathe this BSF stuff.
All of the rules.
They all dress the same, real lady like.

Have I become worldly????????? The bible warns about this and it bothers me a lot. "Dont love anything in the world or of the world"
I do love my beading. I love my art. I love my doggy. I love some fabrics at the fabric store. I love my artsy people. I love the beading store people.
Theres a lot I hate about this world too especially the cement jungle its vastly becoming.............I know the word isnt talking about nature its ok to love the earth I know nobody loves the earth more than God does after all He made this place............
am I of this world now because I dont like church?

[ex-shep]

Obviously the group is not working for you. The training of the leader does leave something to be desired. It looks like the grief recovery group is causing more grief. Remember you deserve to be around healthy people. This just does not seem to be it.

[Elisabeth]

HB,

It doesn't sound to me like you are getting worldly; it sounds to me like you have been hurt, and you are now in a place that doesn't "click!" You don't have to dress all "ladylike", artsy is good, and you don't have to be in a church to worship! I don't like it when church or church groups get too many rules; where there is a lot of rules is where I don't care to be!

You are right; you are not supposed to try to "fix" people when they are grieving. And you know what? This is not a "get behind me Satan" type of situation. Honestly, some people think that if you don't fit into what they think you should fit into, Satan must be tormenting you. It's not true! We are human beings, and when we are hurt, we hurt! Never feel guilty for hurting, and also, don't feel guilty that it's hard for you to go to church. Don't stop trying, and don't stop looking for where you fit in, but independant Bible study, listening to Christian music on the radio, TV preachers, etc; also help people to learn and to draw closer to God.

[hornblower]

Thankyou so much Elizabeth. When I come here i always feel so safe, when I go there I always feel so vulnerable and so ill at ease. I went to the BSF thing anyway today and I felt better but I think its because I posted and I took time for myself before i went and I DID dress artsy to heck with their stares, ...........
Im not the only one who is daring but there are few of us thats for sure. If you dont mind Id like to at least be able to tell you Elizabeth that Mothers Day for me includes a grieving over church.
Here I am getting old, Ive lost my Mother, who treated me most of my life the growing up years like a second class citizen. I was a total bother to her always. My artsy creative talkative funny adventurous self was way too much for her. She was painfully shy and although she would have always denied it, she was so abused herself that abusing me was just ordinary living to her.
All of that changed for me once I became a christian though. She and I were basically the only church going members of our family. It bonded us in ways I cant explain to this day. When she got alzheimers she got even quieter and so much sweeter than she had ever been. Basically I think it was because she didnt have to work so hard any longer to keep her house and cook and constantly owoprry over every single tiny thing.
I miss my Mothers presence so much.
Women understand women or at least you would think they would. Its interesting to me and I often think of this that in Revelations I think thats where it is, it states that the New Jerusalem that comes down from above which is the saints, 'us', the church of Christ, is our Mother????????????????????????????????????????
You are so right Elizabeth I am so hurt. Those women took away my soul. My new found soul the one Ive always needed to have the one Ive been looking for forever.........they nurtured me, hugged me, I thought they cared about me.
They left me, abandoned me, it felt like I was dying again just like when my daughter was attacked in that church so many years ago.
People in churches are nice to me but they always keep their distance, never get close, like it might be catching, my pain, my heartache, my 'daughter'. They dont want to hear about violence in this world especially in a church. Just leave me alone and let me be! Let me stay in my own little world full of fantasy where its nice and safe.
I end up feeling like I have a plague.

Someone on here has a saying that their consolation is this and that.........its so beautiful.
I often think of Jesus outside the camp, bleeding, suffering for all of us, and then the word says something like 'are we going to go out there to join Him?'
Everything I shared in the group this morning the lecturer then expounded on when we got through with our group studies. I felt justified. If they dont accept me its their own problem not mine. Im trying, its all I can do. I would love them, I do love them, if only they could see past themselves into my heart and understand what its like to be me.

[Ladybug]

Hi,

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time with BSF. But they do have rules and a schedule to follow as far as getting there on time and leaving on time. I've done several of their classes.

I'm glad to hear that you had a good time with your beading and for the lady who encouraged you!

Said, but true, sometimes those in the world are more acceptive. Like those in your beading work even though it's New Age and I don't agree with their thinking. But at least you seem like you are accepted there and can express yourself. That's good.

Praying for you.