How do you fare with the holidays

[ex-shep]

I am going to toss out a topic and see what happens. This is your forum. Many of us do have a fun time coping with time of years. Feel free to share what is on your heart and mind.

What challenges do members experience? How have been able to find serenity or other coping skills? The floor is open.

[KSM]

For the most part, Christmas is a major celebration for me now because I left right before the holidays two years ago. So it's an anniversary as well as a major holiday. I celebrate by going to holiday community activities, watching the Christmas movies that had always been banned, putting up all sorts of lights and decorations, etc.

Going home to see family isn't so easy. My parents don't really know that I've left, though I'm sure they have their guesses. They aren't in that group... they come with emotional baggage all their own. I'm trying to set some healthy boundaries with them and keep in perspective that I can celebrate for four weeks and just deal with them for a few hours.

[ex-shep]

For the most part, Christmas is a major celebration for me now because I left right before the holidays two years ago. So it's an anniversary as well as a major holiday. I celebrate by going to holiday community activities, watching the Christmas movies that had always been banned, putting up all sorts of lights and decorations, etc.

Going home to see family isn't so easy. My parents don't really know that I've left, though I'm sure they have their guesses. They aren't in that group... they come with emotional baggage all their own. I'm trying to set some healthy boundaries with them and keep in perspective that I can celebrate for four weeks and just deal with them for a few hours.

Sounds as if you have a good handle on things. I never went home for the holidays for the reasons you mention. I could not stand the drama. Sadly that was the reason they were never invited to our wedding.


I always go to AA meetings or gatherings during the holidays. My wife's aunt has a nice homey affair the weekend before. It is two hour drive away. My mother in law goes wildly overboard for the holidays, so I stay home.

[Victorious]

OK so any suggestions? I am facing Christmas for the first time in a few years with family (at least we are getting together) and its the first time for me being out of the cult...while family are all in there, its also a breakthrough that I am invited. Because I am moving away, I feel like its why some members of my family will allow me to spend time with them and their families. I am feeling, a lot of pain and dont quite know how to make things normal....or what to say. Am emotional, and feel like I keep getting strips torn off me emotionally, even though I am no longer part of it. I do love my family. I do feel incredible grief at this time though. Any thoughts?

[KSM]

I don't have any family involved in my former unhealthy group, but some things I've heard suggested on various SA boards in the past are to limit time alone with family, make some plans of your own to do things you enjoy and take a break if necessary, make note of some very non-committal or dismissive statements you can use if they start in on you about anything (ie, "ah, it's Christmas. Let's just enjoy our time together." "This is a special time. I don't want to discuss that this weekend."), and plan for a motel if nights are especially difficult and you considered staying with family.

You may be surprised to discover that you may have some family members who may indicate they respect your decision and may even be facing the same decision themselves. If those ask any questions, stay positive (don't say too much negative about the group or call it a cult unless they refer to it that way), listen to them, and encourage them, or offer to talk to them by phone or e-mail at a later time.

[ex-shep]

I don't have any family involved in my former unhealthy group, but some things I've heard suggested on various SA boards in the past are to limit time alone with family, make some plans of your own to do things you enjoy and take a break if necessary, make note of some very non-committal or dismissive statements you can use if they start in on you about anything (ie, "ah, it's Christmas. Let's just enjoy our time together." "This is a special time. I don't want to discuss that this weekend."), and plan for a motel if nights are especially difficult and you considered staying with family.

You may be surprised to discover that you may have some family members who may indicate they respect your decision and may even be facing the same decision themselves. If those ask any questions, stay positive (don't say too much negative about the group or call it a cult unless they refer to it that way), listen to them, and encourage them, or offer to talk to them by phone or e-mail at a later time.

Good pointers indeed. I have used them myself. Next latte on me. :)

[KSM]

Good pointers indeed. I have used them myself. Next latte on me. :)

Thanks! I'll enjoy that latte. :)

I've used most of them, too. Everything but the motel, though I do have one in mind should I ever need it.

[ex-shep]

OK so any suggestions? I am facing Christmas for the first time in a few years with family (at least we are getting together) and its the first time for me being out of the cult...while family are all in there, its also a breakthrough that I am invited. Because I am moving away, I feel like its why some members of my family will allow me to spend time with them and their families. I am feeling, a lot of pain and dont quite know how to make things normal....or what to say. Am emotional, and feel like I keep getting strips torn off me emotionally, even though I am no longer part of it. I do love my family. I do feel incredible grief at this time though. Any thoughts?

Sorry to get the post after the holidays. I just it. For future reference, be sure to seek out counsel with those in recovery. The sage advice is to give it a try with a means of leaving if overwhelmed. My wife and drive ourselves to events and leave when we have had enough. If you want to check in and let us know how things turned out, feel free to check in.

[KSM]

LOL well I thought I was doing well, but the closer I get to going home, the more I seem to be gritting my teeth.

My parents are a little different. Dad pushes to know something about me, then tells me I should be different, do different, or whatever. He forgets that I'm an adult, or appears to. Especially in one very embarrassing/humiliating way.

My sister and I discussed that, and she may have thought I was overreacting a bit. Then at Thanksgiving he literally took a handkerchief, pretended to blow his nose on it, and then wiped the handkerchief on me. When I asked why he would even consider such a thing, he responded that my (two year old) nephew laughed when he did the same to him. I told him perhaps he would do well to remember that I was not two. Everyone was quiet for a minute. My sister latter admitted she was shocked. It's just his typical way with me, but neither my sister nor I understands why. (I'm oldest.)

I'm mentally prepping for a major battle when I do go home, it seems. I don't want to go, don't want to deal with my parents again, and wish I could see my sister's family without seeing them. On the other hand, I feel guilty for wishing that. Not because it isn't reasonable under the circumstances, but because it shouldn't be necessary. Mainly, I just feel angry at Dad for his lack of respect, at Mom for justifying some really wrong things over the years, and at myself for not knowing how to end them. My sister has been able to stop it somehow. I don't know why I can't.

:(

[riverdove]

KSM,

Thanks for sharing about your family situation ... I know it hurts when it's coming from family members ... people who you love so much and who you want to continually love them ...., but their unhealthy behaviors make it so hard ...

As for my story ... it's a sad one too. I only came to see the real dysfunction of my family after I left the group. Instead of receiving support during my most painful times, they were for the most part judgmental. As for one sibling, it was not just about being judgmental, it was outright sibling rivalry at play in a dysfunctional situation ... There has been a lot of pain in relating to them post SA and I finally thought the best way is to stay away from the emotionally draining relationship. Still the accusations go on. Either way, I continue to suffer. In an emotionally unstable and hurtful relationship, it's a lose-lose situation. There's nothing I could do that will be right for them .... I was accused of detaching from them when I keep a safe distance. I figure out that either way I will get hurt, but the wounds inflicted would have been much deeper if I chose to open myself up to them. So, I pick my choice and stand my ground. We are not responsible for others' action, only our own. I have learned to fend for myself when others aren't looking out for my interest and emotional well being. It's easy to forget all of these as sometimes family members have a way of guilt tripping me into doing the things they want.

I'm sorry that your Dad has behaved in a way that would embarrass and hurt you .... I'm glad you stood up to him and told him that his action. I do hope he'll take the hint and stop doing what he's doing. If he cares for how you feel ...., he should be mindful of your comfort level around him and your emotional well being in general. When it comes to parents, it can be very hard ... On the one hand, we all want to honor our parents, on the other, if they are immature and lacking in wisdom .... it can be rather complicating. I find that with my Mom .... she has the habit of comparing us siblings and playing one against the other (not consciously ... more out of ignorance and for having been hurt herself through an unhappy childhood and abusive marriage to my father). It has created a lot of chaos in the family and all I can do is to pray whenever I'm troubled. One of the AA recovery slogan is, "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it, so let go and let God." Besides prayer, I'll do what I can to protect myself from the spilling over to get to my side ... because people can't change people, only God can.

Thanks for sharing your story. This holiday season hasn't been easy on me also ...... a lot of things going on ...., but I'm glad we all can safely share our feelings and be understood here ... Thanks for the hugs, KSM :) It's comforting and here's one to you too. Take care and have a wonderful new year.

[riverdove]

Victorious,

I do share your grief and pain at this point in time. It has been many years since I've left the group, but the dysfunction has continued to play out in my family more than ever before. Why, I have no idea, but I think that in a dysfunctional family situation, sometimes all it does is for the thing to wait for the right moment to explode. Often, the dysfunctional pendulum will be in full swing when there's a crisis in the family. As in my case, it was the SA .... because my life has been completely turned around.

Whereas in a healthy situation, the support will be in place ... In an already unhealthy situation, bad things seem to accentuate ... at least in my own personal situation. My coping skill is learning to detach and continuing to love the people I should love only at a distance ... I'm willing to go closer only if they will learn how to relate healthily again ... Also, I'll do my best not to aggravate the situaton ...., but sometimes the ball isn't always in my court. My struggle is ongoing and sometimes I feel lost myself. Some of the members here have been in recovery for quite a while and I can learn a line of wisdom here and there and find some hope for a hopeless situation.

What you're going through is your normal response to an abnormal situation. Is there's anything that will be more enjoyable for you to do ... like doing a favorite hobby, or going out with people who are supportive of you .....? Itt might be a good distraction from your pain and struggle. Take care of you most of all.

[KSM]

When it comes to parents, it can be very hard ... On the one hand, we all want to honor our parents, on the other, if they are immature and lacking in wisdom .... it can be rather complicating...

Thanks, Riverdove.

I have mentally arrived at the conclusion that I honor my parents by doing the right things, not necessarily by doing what they want. My heart just isn't quite in line with my head yet. ;)

[ex-shep]

I only came to see the real dysfunction of my family after I left the group. Instead of receiving support during my most painful times, they were for the most part judgmental.



I got the same thing from my parents too. The abuse was so bad that I ceased all communication with in 1991. I forgave them and worked through the resentment years ago. They did the best they could. My mother was extremely critical of my involvement in my groups. Before I transferred to "Midwest State", my mother said as I was packing, " you can get into a fraternity, join the ROTC, and hang out with the jocks. Don't get involved with any Jesus freaks". It then evolved, after I got out" "how could a smart guy like you do a dumb thing like that". I have heard the same retinue in former group recovery meetings too. It is sadly typical.