Adaptive Narcissism Resulting from Spiritual Abuse?

[Voyager]

They are several types of narcissism, both healthy and unhealthy. I have been studying this topic lately because I see the signs of it in many people who have left spiritually abusive groups - including myself.

Adaptive narcissim can occur when an human being receives such a horrific emotional wound that they cannot even imagine what it would take to heal from it. This wound so damages the "self" of the victim that they regress into a state of adaptive narcissism. Here are a few of its symptoms:

• Intolerance for criticism and shame

• Self-loathing and self-destructive behavior

• Constant need for approval and affirmation

• Demanding and pushy

• Lack of empathy

• Fear of true "unworthy" self being exposed

• Tendency to avoid potential relationships

• Deep-seated lack of trust

• Poor self-esteem coupled with delusions of grandiosity

The process of adaptive narcissism is intended by our systems to defend against further pain and wounding stemming from broken relationships. However, left unchecked it can be somewhat destructive. The need to find a balance between healthy and unhealthy narcissism becomes paramount for recovery.

Here's an excerpt from an article that I found which sheds some light on how we can incorporate a "mixed" form of narcissism to bridge the healthy and the unhealthy aspects of this condition:

Healthy Narcissism as Asset

Unhealthy narcissism, whatever its root causes and however it is conceptualized, is a reality in the lives of creative individuals. But it is also important for therapists to look for that reservoir of healthy narcissism that may also be present. The literature on narcissism regularly fails to credit individuals with this asset and paints too one-sided a picture of the selfishness of creative persons.

For instance, Hamilton presents the case of an actor with so many narcissistic deficits that we have no reason to assume that any change is possible. Hamilton writes, "He strutted on to the ward, bragged of his movie role, sneered at the other patients as 'sickies,' set out to seduce the nurses, and condescendingly humored the psychiatrist. Even empathic comments he considered an affront to his dignity--he did not need coddling. When the psychiatrist looked at him during the interview, he felt challenged and had to do battle, proving his superiority."

But in no time, a remarkable change occurs. Hamilton describes his own role: "The analyst primarily listened and commented infrequently. The patient consequently did not feel discredited by attempts at help or by the offer of new insights. He did not lose his sense of himself or confuse his boundaries by projecting excessively onto the analyst. His unobtrusive analyst served as a self object, as another person who serves the self's function of soothing, confirming, and regulating self-esteem." Granting that the therapist served a useful role here, who actually was doing the work? Wasn't it the client? How much could a person without significant strengths be expected to improve if his or her only help came from a silent, invisible therapist?

Hamilton concluded, "Over several months, D. C. was able to begin integrating his grandiose self with his hurt and devalued self. He slowly gained the image of himself as a talented young man who needed to work hard at his chosen profession. The realization that he needed rest, orderly living, companionship, and compassion helped him become empathic. He no longer needed to project his devalued self onto other patients. He could help them build self-esteem instead of ridiculing them." If, after only a few short months, this actor had become empathic, compassionate, and more, I think we are bound to conclude that he came equipped with strengths as well as liabilities as he began therapy.


There is a lot more to this article, but this portion focuses on what I believe to be the most important issue. If we can harness the good from the narcissism that resulted from our wounds, we can use it to our own advantage. I am still working on that one. But, it helps me just to really understand why (from a psychological standpoint) I reacted the way I did when exiting my spiritually abusive group. The lack of trust, the introversion, the isolating tendencies, the hyper-defensiveness to criticism, the need for approval, the low self-esteem issues - all point to traits of adaptive narcissism (which many of us may have been suffering from even before we even entered our spiritually abusive groups).

Some have speculated that there are also symptoms of PTSD in most spiritual abuse victims, and I am not denying that - some of us may actually have been "shell shocked" due to our experiences. But for me, the adaptive narcissism seems to make more sense. Plus, by learning to understand it and find the healthy balance - it gives me hope for coping with this condition until I recover from it.

Many great artists and leaders such as Abraham Lincoln, Benjamin Franklin, Vincent van Gogh, Mick Jagger, Mel Gibson, etc. have all overcome their narcissistic tendencies to go on to perform great accomplishments in spite of their condition. Hopefully, many of us will be able to do the same.

:cool:

[Voyager]

I think I ended the post above on a wrong note. Most of us are probably not concerned with performing any grandiose accomplishments. If you're like me, you just want to make it through life with a little peace and contentment.

:cool:

[Willow]

I wish I had a small infusion of confidence... not narcissism, but something that would level out low self esteem. Low self esteem cripples me and I can't see my value and my talents without constant praise from others. I wish I could see what I was capable of. Maybe I wouldn't stay stuck in jobs that are below my ability, but within my confidence level.

Thought provoking article... thanks :)

[Theodora]

They are several types of narcissism, both healthy and unhealthy. I have been studying this topic lately because I see the signs of it in many people who have left spiritually abusive groups - including myself. (snip)



Just scanned what looked like a "solid" article which you found. Thanks so much for sharing the information and also, for relating it to your own experience.

Busy times/"intense" times for me and my family as my Marine son is being deployed to Iraq today. Will be in touch here as/when I can....but---if you're inclined to do so---your prayers are appreciated for him, his wife, his family and friends...and, of course, for ALL involved with the military AND all in Iraq as the struggle continues for "better times."

Grace and peace to you and yours this day.

Theodora

:)


--

[Voyager]

I realize no one would want to be labelled a "narcisssist" because of the stigma attached to it. However, the condition has probably gotten a very bad rap because most people who are narcissists come across as very haughty and arrogant.

Here is a link to the entire article referred to above:

http://www.ericmaisel.com/therapy.html

:cool:

[Voyager]

I wish I had a small infusion of confidence... not narcissism, but something that would level out low self esteem. Low self esteem cripples me and I can't see my value and my talents without constant praise from others.
I know what you mean Willow. I think the "grandiose fantasies" that I had about myself were all destroyed when I left my former abusive church. I used to have this sense that God was going to use me in a great way... like I was very special to Him or something. Now that fantasy is gone, and after losing it I found that the only thing left was the other extreme of narcissism - the very poor self-esteem. However, as I begin to understand WHY my self-esteem was destroyed (even as a child), I can see that it was all based on lies. I am a good person. I am not a rotten sinner unworthy of love and acceptance. I will never be perfect, so I am slowly learning how to let go of my perfectionist traits.

It's amazing how rejection can cause symptoms of adaptive narcissism. It may not be a severe case, but if you look at its symptoms, you'll find that it is one of the most under-reported personality disorders known to the human race. However, no one wants to admit it because of the stigma attached to it. It is simply a condition that our system implements as a mechanism of defense to combat debilitating rejection(s).

Famous Quote:

"A narcissist is anyone who is better looking than you are."

:D :D :D

[Florence]

I read the list of symptoms and my first thought was "This describes just about everybody I know!" I guess that makes us all "normal"! :D
Florence

[dwilliams]

Willow Said:
"I wish I had a small infusion of confidence... not narcissism, but something that would level out low self esteem. Low self esteem cripples me and I can't see my value and my talents without constant praise from others. I wish I could see what I was capable of. Maybe I wouldn't stay stuck in jobs that are below my ability, but within my confidence level."


I'll let you all decide, but I think that the following applies here:

http://www.envisionsoftware.com/articles/Peter_Principle.html
and
http://home.earthlink.net/~denmartin/ula.html


"Maybe I wouldn't stay stuck in jobs that are below my ability, but within my confidence level."

Corrrect me if I'm way off here... :) But, I feel I can relate to this....and forgive me for deviating from religion, but I think that the Peter Principle defined in the links above definitely apply to religious hierarchy as well...
When I was in the military, I absolutely HATED being the lower enlisted soldier...ie, the peon, grunt, manual laborer taught to DO, not to THINK. I honestly felt that I could do things far more effeciently than my supervisors...continually felt that I was stuck at a lower level than my capabilities. At the same time, I LOVED recognition for a job well done and actually fed off the experience, using that possible recognition as an incentive for quality acheivements...
Well, I moved up the ranks pretty quickly and eventually became the supervisor. I was a 92Y...or in english, a supply specialist. :)
I was sent through the promotion board, shipped off to PLDC and promoted to Sergeant after completion. I was given my own supply room, put in charge of millions of dollars worth of equipment, handled a unit budget of around $500,000 annually and had 4 soldiers placed under me. All this as a Buck SGT.
I fell subject to the Peter Principle by being promoted through the levels of my compitence, then promoted to the next higher level to incompitence...
I could do my job, I made things happen and succeeded, but experienced extreme stress. I found that I was only barely able to keep my head above water(though I must have been doing something right, because usually everyone thought I was the MAN.) :)
However, the praise I received before coming to the level just above my compitence, was no longer as fulfilling...
And honestly, if "upper management", meaning our Garrison Command SGT Major, or even lower than that, my Unit Commander or even Operations would have recognized this process, they could have stepped in and performed Percussive Sublimation or Lateral Arabesque to not only raise unit readiness, but allow my specialized gifts and talents to be used at an optimal level...

...OK...
:)
Hope I wrote that so at least SOME of you could understand what I'm trying to say...sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying. :D

I guess, in closing...
Sometimes, it's not about finding something that matches one's perceived ability...I was constantly told that I should be preparing for the next promotion board because everyone perceived my abilities as higher than they were and figured I should shoot for Staff SGT. I know I was certainly capable of doing that, but by all accounts, I should not. Indeed, I did not. Personal levels of comfort aren't necessarily a bad thing. If you are capable of executing your current tasks, comfortable doing so and confident in doing just that, there is no reason to move forward until your level of education and experience have naturally raised your confidence and motivation to seek higher positions...
If that makes sense...'course, you could have been talking about something else altogether anyway, but this is my two cents...

Might be profitable for you to step back and really analyze what WOULD make you happy, whether it's at a LOWER position than you are currently at OR a higher one....
That's what I did, and for me the answer was to get out of the military and redefine my idea of success and accomlishments and push towards new objectives based off my own choices...

[oneday]

Here is what I am learning:

I have started with this quesion: do you know anyone, anywhere who has ever said, "Boy that (my name) is a jerk."? Universal answer---No. How can that be? The answer is that I have taken great care to create and mantain an image that is kind, witty, altuistisc, noble. Strong, decisive but open, firm but just, intelligent and articulate.
I can relate well to the guy with the pickup truck and gun rack, the academic, the blue-collar, the professional. I can converse intelligently child rearing, art, fishing, cars, travel, history, or even the finer points of cigar smoking. What I don't know is what I choose not to know.

I don't ogle women, I have compassion for the less fortunate (everyone is less fortunate than me) and understand what is right and what is wrong with American public policy and the world in general.

The problem is it is all an image. I have taken the raw materials of the world around me and clothed myself in them to hide my shame and feelings of inadequacy. This image is like a solitary confinement cell that is made to elicit praise, encouragement, acceptance, and affection from all. And then I feed myself on the morsels of 'love' that come in through the feeding slot. I will not interface with others directly, they must relate to me through this wall.

This system works phenomonally and I recommend it to anyone who has my skills and abilities---unless they want any intimate relationships and are willing to sacrifice their authenticity and personhood.

Of course (my wife) has been saying, "I don't want to work on our relationship anymore." I have never been a 'person' for her to relate to. I have given her an image to have as a husband. One that everyone else just loves. What church or business would not want someone who has no problems themselves yet solves lots of problems for everyone else? All it costs is a few scraps of approval from time to time. And what kind of miserable person and malfuntional woman is she if she is the only one who can't admire me?

This is narssisicm. This is self abuse as a lifestyle and art form. This doomed my marriage from the start. I have dedicated my life to protecting a little bed-wetting lost boy who no longer exists at the cost of all I hold dear.


The bad news is that this is very hard to impossible to "fix" as a neurosis or disorder. Having this self knowledge isn't a cure. Anymore than you can put a blue print against a blizzard and have it serve as a home. Or waking up in a hospitable learning that your arm was broken and your foot has been amputated will mend the bone or restore the limb.

[Willow]

Oneday... this is very profound self knowledge. I like the honesty with which you have uncloaked yourself here. The little bedwetting boy is what strikes me as the key. Do you suppose you can get to know him? What if he was allowed to grow up? I surely don't have any answers for you... but these are the questions that struck me. I started with buying baby bottles and nuggies. It was kinda silly, but no one at the store knew I wasn't a mother. Maybe something in this is something you can take away with you. Hang around... let us get to know you :)

Willow

[Kerrin]

Willow Said:
"I wish I had a small infusion of confidence... not narcissism, but something that would level out low self esteem. Low self esteem cripples me and I can't see my value and my talents without constant praise from others. I wish I could see what I was capable of. Maybe I wouldn't stay stuck in jobs that are below my ability, but within my confidence level."



Might be profitable for you to step back and really analyze what WOULD make you happy, whether it's at a LOWER position than you are currently at OR a higher one....
That's what I did, and for me the answer was to get out of the military and redefine my idea of success and accomlishments and push towards new objectives based off my own choices...

:( :)
Thanks,
Kerrin

[oneday]

and after losing it I found that the only thing left was the other extreme of narcissism - the very poor self-esteem. However, as I begin to understand WHY my self-esteem was destroyed (even as a child), I can see that it was all based on lies. I am a good person. I am not a rotten sinner unworthy of love and acceptance. I will never be perfect, so I am slowly learning how to let go of my perfectionist traits.

It's amazing how rejection can cause symptoms of adaptive narcissism. It may not be a severe case, but if you look at its symptoms, you'll find that it is one of the most under-reported personality disorders known to the human race. However, no one wants to admit it because of the stigma attached to it. It is simply a condition that our system implements as a mechanism of defense to combat debilitating rejection(s).



:D :D :D

From the reading and therapy I have done low self esteem is not the 'other extreme' of narcissism, it is low self esteem with a cardboard, false front.

A certain amount of narcissistic behavior isn't bad in and of itself, IMO, it is a defense mechanism for the abused and the non-abused. It is a tremendous tool for survival. It is just that 'normal' people seem to outgrow the need for it by adulthood and express themselves with authenticity instead. The rest of us can't seem to find what is real after a while because we are so comfortable and protected by our images.

[Voyager]

This is narssisicm. This is self abuse as a lifestyle and art form. This doomed my marriage from the start.
Are you sure? You sound like someone who has some empathy, and I don't think true narcissists have that capacity - nor would they admit being a narcissist.

Sounds like maybe you're just like the rest of us - an imperfect human.

:cool:

[oneday]

Are you sure? You sound like someone who has some empathy, and I don't think true narcissists have that capacity - nor would they admit being a narcissist.

Sounds like maybe you're just like the rest of us - an imperfect human.

:cool:

an imperfect human...I am that.

I am not sure about the other. I have just now gotten past some major defenses and resumed therapy. I am actually trying to find reality without labeling it so much. But there is such a thing as an inverted N. who out of taboo and training only performs in acceptable, even admirable ways.

Thanks, V.

For others struggling you may find a book as helpful as I am finding. 'The Narcissistic Family---Diagnosis and Treatment'--Pressman. It is written by therapists for therapists but there some good things in there for me. They claim that families with Alch. or sexual abuse, neglectful familys, those with poor parenting skills, disease, etc. all tend to foster this kind of behavior as a survival mechanism.

I am sure it is the reason I was so at home in an abusive church.

[Voyager]

But there is such a thing as an inverted N. who out of taboo and training only performs in acceptable, even admirable ways.

That would describe all 500 loyal followers in my former abusive church, including myself. I'm not sure that it has to do with narcissism. Actually, you and I are probably alike in many ways. Since posting this thread on narcissism I have ruled out that being a label that I can properly wear. Like yourself, I do a lot of self-evaluation - which I don't think too many narcissists do. Narcissists are constant liars who have no empathy and only think about themselves. Think about Scott Peterson - now there's a narcissist.

:cool:

[oneday]

Another component of a N. system is Echo, the other character in the mythic story where N. gets it's name. While N. was obsessed with him own image Echo could only say the words that N. said. When N. looked at his image and said, "I love you." only then could she say to him, "I love you."

One thing that is typical of people affected by this type of system is that they cannot be decisive. We tend to need to reflect the opinions and values of the dominant. All non-conforming viewpoints, feelings are taboo.

And here is an interesting thing: usually we find pleasure only in reflection, be it home or church. If something is fun or inspiring I want it to be shared or I want to write a song about it and perform it. One interesting exercise I am trying is to find pleasure in some small thing and savor it, and not tell anyone else about it. (I refuse to let it be TV, video games, movies, anything passive. But I will allow it to be art.) Something like a walk, a small purchase or find. To notice the grace of a bird or the beauty of a vista. And just to enjoy it, not tell someone else about it.

(Of course I post the idea on a board rather than just enjoying it :rolleyes: )