What kind of fool am I?

[Ellen]

I just found out that the pastor of my church has his secretary read every email he receives. I have sent some very, very, very personal emails to him over the past several years regarding abuses I have endured, my spiritual struggles because of that, our relational difficulties because of his own abusive tendencies, etc.

I am physically ill from what I have learned. I feel betrayed and humiliated. I was just starting to build a more trusting relationship with this man and then I find out that all along, there was no confidentiality.

As I have thought about it, I am remembering a meeting I had with him two years ago in which the secretary was present and he would make comments to her to "fill her in" on what we were discussing. Now I know that all along, she was very aware and this "filling her in" business was simply to make me think she was clueless.

HE LIED TO ME!!!!

Is there no one who is trustworthy?????

Ellen

[Gayle]

Too many pastors/christians, in general, feel its important to share information of others, under the guise of "prayer requests and concern, assistance" without the request or direction of the concerned individual - gossip. Reading the pastors emails might be part of the secretary's job description - considered justified to be informed at their prayer sessions? I don't think there's a confidentiality law where pastors are concerned. Maybe in a counselling relationship but outside of that, I doubt it. Is confidentiality even in the church vocabulary? Maybe the confidentiality issue needs to be raised in church meetings. Not saying you should - just throwing it out there.

[Jerry]

I am physically ill from what I have learned. I feel betrayed and humiliated. I was just starting to build a more trusting relationship with this man and then I find out that all along, there was no confidentiality.


HE LIED TO ME!!!!

Is there no one who is trustworthy?????

Ellen

Dear Ellen,,,
"Common Sense" should tell a pastor what is "confidential" and what is not with errors on the side of "confidential"....A properly set up church has a "Church" E-mail for General Business.....with the "Pastors" E-mail being separate and private for his eyes only.This man obviously knows he is wrong or he wouldn't have tried to cover his tracks ;)

Love Jerry

[Ellen]

Here's "the rest of the story":

I was talking to the church secretary one day on the phone and she commented that she had seen my email to the pastor. I didn't even think much about it at the time, but later what she said popped into my head.

So, I emailed her and asked if she reads his emails. She responded by trying to dodge the question, which I pointed out to her. Then she responded and said that, yes, she does read them - that he has asked her to do so for his "protection."

This was my reply:

"The words I am thinking right now are 'humiliation,' confidentiality,' and 'betrayal.' I guess I would have been okay with it if I had known this was the situation from the beginning, so that I wouldn't have revealed so much.

I share very, very, very personal things that I would not have shared had I known.

Please tell [Pastor] to not respond to any of my emails and let him know that I will no longer be emailing him. I think an apology is in order - he has my number.

Also, he might consider letting everyone know that emails sent to him are not confidential - to keep this from people exhibits a lack of integrity.

And, if you are typing his responses (which she had said she was), you should indicate that under his 'signature' just as you would in a letter or a memo."

Later in the day, I received this email from the pastor: (note I had requested that he NOT email me)

"Ellen, you invited me not to respond to your most recent emails. However, I think it would be significant to do so.

As you can probably imagine, I receive many emails each day. The emails have many purposes and often include requests. Some of the emails include questionable content, some inappropriate language and desires, some threats, etc. Years ago it was determined that [my secretary], would have access to the emails coming to me and the responses I gave. This was initiated for reasons of security and accountability.

[She] has been a person of integrity and confidentiality throughout our working relationship. She has handled very important needs, concerns, requessts and conversations with a prayerful, grace-filled attitude. I do not question her love for, and commitment to, this Body of Christ."

My immediate response was to call the church and ask that the pastor call me back. He has not done so.

As I pondered his email, it was apparent that he felt no apology or acknowledgment of my embarrassment was necessary. Also, he seemed to be defending the secretary. I had made it clear in an earlier email to her that I did not hold her responsible for doing that which had been asked of her in her job.

I see this as an integrity/trust-worthiness issue with the pastor. What if someone emails (and I'm sure they do, in our very large church) about rape or incest or abortion or molestation and they think only the pastor is reading their story? How would they feel? I'm sure they would feel betrayed, humiliated, embarrassed.

I believe it was in "The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse" that the authors said YOU DON'T HIDE WHAT IS APPROPRIATE! If this practice is appropriate, why isn't it made clear to the congregation? Why is it kept a secret?

As I said in my reply to the secretary, I wouldn't have had a problem with it if I had known this was the practice - I would simply have not shared so openly.

I will be at the church later today and if I haven't heard from the pastor, I will march into the office and see if he's there. I will not be allowed to be the problem for pointing out the problem!

Ellen

[Jerry]

[She] has been a person of integrity and confidentiality throughout our working relationship. She has handled very important needs, concerns, requessts and conversations with a prayerful, grace-filled attitude. I do not question her love for, and commitment to, this Body of Christ."

Dear Ellen,,,,
Being a Church Secretary can be a daunting huge job.I don't question her devotion to the congregation either,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I question his :mad:

Love Jerry

[Ellen]

Here's an update:

I did get a call from the pastor apologizing for any "hurt" this policy has caused. He said this is not unusual given today's "facebook" culture in which so many personal things are shared so freely. Apparently, because people approach him in very public places to share their very private matters (public restrooms, ball games, stores, etc.), he is of the opinion that confidentiality is no longer expected or even considered.

What I was also unable to get him to understand is that this issue is not about the secretary and her level of integrity. It is about the person who is sharing the personal information. Their desire to have their communication remain confidential should be honored in ordered to protect themselves or others - even if it's only their dignity that's being protected.

So, I googled this topic and from what I could see, this lack of confidentiality could lead to lawsuits if someone wanted to push it.

Needless to say, I won't be emailing the pastor any time soon and if I ever do again, there will be nothing of a personal nature shared.

Moving on . . .
Ellen

[Gayle]

This sounds very shallow on his part. That he would bring his work and his position of trust down to facebook level - I can't even imagine that a person in his job description would treat things people tell him personally and privately, so trivial as to place it on the same level as the internet's central gossip connection.

[Ellen]

Well, guess what? The secretary is on vacation this week. On Tuesday I forwarded a link to a blog to him by someone in the Peace Corp and yesterday I got a reply.

So, not only is his secretary "a person of integrity and confidentiality" but apparently so are any number of the dozen or so other secretaries in the church who fill in when she is gone.

This explains why over the years people throughout the staff have treated me with barely veiled disdain. This explains why I was told this summer that the pastor thinks I am "poison." He didn't have to say it. Whoever read my emails to him drew their own conclusions and assumed he would feel the same way - and they are probably right.

On the bright side, I've lost 4 pounds in the past several days because I just feel too sick.

Ellen

[setmefree77]

Well, guess what? The secretary is on vacation this week. On Tuesday I forwarded a link to a blog to him by someone in the Peace Corp and yesterday I got a reply.

So, not only is his secretary "a person of integrity and confidentiality" but apparently so are any number of the dozen or so other secretaries in the church who fill in when she is gone.

This explains why over the years people throughout the staff have treated me with barely veiled disdain. This explains why I was told this summer that the pastor thinks I am "poison." He didn't have to say it. Whoever read my emails to him drew their own conclusions and assumed he would feel the same way - and they are probably right.

On the bright side, I've lost 4 pounds in the past several days because I just feel too sick.

Ellen What an unfortunate lesson. I hope you are out of there. I think I would have left when I heard the pastor thought I was poison. Now HOW in the world is that a Chrisitian thing to do to a person? If you asked him to be confidential and he wasn't - the bible doesn't talk very well of those who betray confidences.

[LAKEL.AMBERT]

Hi, Good Afternoon to everyone.. I plan to cook some spare ribs in the oven.. But i have no clue how long it suppose to cook in the oven. I already put seasoning on it and bbq sauce. Whats next? How long and whats the temp to put the oven on? Any ideas would be helpful.. Thanks

[Jerry]

Hi, Good Afternoon to everyone.. I plan to cook some spare ribs in the oven.. But i have no clue how long it suppose to cook in the oven. I already put seasoning on it and bbq sauce. Whats next? How long and whats the temp to put the oven on? Any ideas would be helpful.. Thanks

Boil the ribs first,then smother with sauce,and bake in the oven at 350 for about 30 to 45 minutes