Is this abuse?

[standing still]

Help me out here, please. Isn't abuse when you confront a system that appears to be out of balance only to have those in that system point at you and say you are the problem.

As I have reread these posts I get the sense that I am being pointed at as the problem. Guess what? I don't think that is the case.

It appears there are personal attacks at me simply because I am giving my views. Tabling this is not the solution. We need to delve deeper, not run from the confrontation. Tabling discussions when nerves have been hit, or differences aired only leads to further cover ups, and further abuse.

Guess what, guys, I'm not going anywhere. What are you going to do? Run me off with your own form of abuse because I am new and airing things to you from a different perspective. Come on! That's ridiculous.

There appear to be certain "code words" here, and when they are heard the person using those words such as "pastor", "minister", or "disciple", that they are labeled as abusive and everyone needs to run and hide, or go to meltdown mode.

Our experiences should be shared, and if we have ways and methods that we think might help someone, we should share them. To me, if this "cafeteria" has something in the line that I know wouldn't necessarily fit my taste, then I might pass it by. However, just because I may not like broccoli or liver, it doesn't mean it's not good for me.

Best,
Pal

[Satscout]

Help me out here, please. Isn't abuse when you confront a system that appears to be out of balance only to have those in that system point at you and say you are the problem.

As I have reread these posts I get the sense that I am being pointed at as the problem. Guess what? I don't think that is the case.

*deep sigh*

Balance: The forum as a dynamic system is in balance when its members allow it to be. When anyone - especially someone new and unfamiliar with the dynamics of the system - tries to point at the system and say it is out of balance, it BECOMES out of balance.

To restore balance:

1. Allow cooling off, especially when emotions are running high (as they are right now among many forum members), and allow those who feel unsafe to lurk without feeling punished for doing so.

2. EVERYBODY stop pointing fingers at each other long enough to allow #1 to occur.

3. Allow said newbie the opportunity to learn the system before ANYONE "attacks" anyone else again.

I don't think YOU or what you said is the "problem"; what IS the problem is that instead of letting the water calm down, everybody in the pool is splashing as hard as they can.

If you see something in the forum dynamics as "out of balance", then a gentle, respectful question or observation will be much better received than something using triggering terms - especially in light of the commonality of the triggers. And the polite (or as Theo put it, "charitable") thing to do when told you are using triggering words is - rephrase. Step back. Observe for a while. See if what you say is healing or stirring up a tempest. Then let response be a guide as to how to politely, respectfully proceed.

Peace

Sharon

PS The Meltdown Syndrome is what shut down the old SA forum and forced the move to the new software that is now shared with the NACR forum... and I'm sure nobody here familiar with the history wants to see anything like it happen again...

[Willow]

The excerpt from your book on your web site touched me. I'm sad that your father was not able to emotionally connect to you more. It's great that you had a mentor early in childhood at the Y. I've clicked around your web site quite a bit. The talent nights sound like fun. Do you already do those or is it still in development?

[standing still]

Hi Willow,

They are still in development. To really get a full grasp of where it is heading you need to take time and go through the entire site again. It's gets clearer the second time around.

We're looking at a March 1 launch. The site is not fully operational at this time.

Thanks for your comments and for taking the time to browse.

Best,
Pal

The excerpt from your book on your web site touched me. I'm sad that your father was not able to emotionally connect to you more. It's great that you had a mentor early in childhood at the Y. I've clicked around your web site quite a bit. The talent nights sound like fun. Do you already do those or is it still in development?

[Florence]

When I was growing up, my step-father had a way of always picking fights. He was forever arguing and fighting over any and every thing with anyone who was foolish enough to try to reason with him. I'll never forget the day my sister took us all aside and told us that the only way to get him to quit fighting was to simply not respond. So, whenever he would try to pick one of his fights, we would simply sit there quietly and respectfully and not say a word. When we didn't respond after his attempts at goading us, he would quiet down and walk away. It was amazing how that worked.

I'm all for hashing out differences, but by being "confrontational"? Go back to my post about "How to Handle a Tantrum" - if the behavior is unacceptable, just ignore it. Use the blocking feature if you have to.

On a side note: It wasn't until my step-father reached his mid-fifties and the testosterone levels :o began dropping significantly ;) that the attempts to pick a fight finally ceased altogether. Now he's a sweet, kind, gentle old man. ;)

Florence

[standing still]

Thanks, Florence. I'm beginning to see from both ends of the spectruum now. Thanks for sharing your views.

Best,
Pal

When I was growing up, my step-father had a way of always picking fights. He was forever arguing and fighting over any and every thing with anyone who was foolish enough to try to reason with him. I'll never forget the day my sister took us all aside and told us that the only way to get him to quit fighting was to simply not respond. So, whenever he would try to pick one of his fights, we would simply sit there quietly and respectfully and not say a word. When we didn't respond after his attempts at goading us, he would quiet down and walk away. It was amazing how that worked.

I'm all for hashing out differences, but by being "confrontational"? Go back to my post about "How to Handle a Tantrum" - if the behavior is unacceptable, just ignore it. Use the blocking feature if you have to.

On a side note: It wasn't until my step-father reached his mid-fifties and the testosterone levels :o began dropping significantly ;) that the attempts to pick a fight finally ceased altogether. Now he's a sweet, kind, gentle old man. ;)

Florence