Am i doing it right??

[justasiam]

I am new here..don't know exactly how I got here.:confused:..can relate to alot that I have read..

Spiritual abuse??I have come to believe what happened to me was God's way of saying "Suffer"--that which isn't perfect will be destroyed" I can understand dissociation ...it has been my life...I can say it has been only in the last couple of years that I have just begun to "see" that God is for me and I am now in my 50's ..

Being told by others I did not have a testimony and God didn't save me from anything...having to be voted into a Bible study..being told I was to young for God to use me ..being laughed at because I had attention seeking behavior..led to me getting into the occult but with all this said..yes I came from a alcoholic dysfunctional family..was raped by my brother when I was 5...just alot of painful stuff more me ..not any different than some..

Yada ..yada...:o God has opened doors to be in some Christian counseling..I struggle with who Jesus is...I am afraid to go to church ...my husband doesn't think I need counseling or it is all about him..NOT ...I am so tired of being afraid that I don't measure up or am doing things with God wrong..Like my thoughts are of the scripture that (don't know where it is at) so and so sought salvation with tears and couldn't have..

I sense the pressure of not to forsake the gathering of believers..I haven't gone to church for about 10 years..I do pray for the church that they will quit wounding the already wounded..I say alot of things hoping they will connect to my personhood..like "I am saved".."I am loved" The inward crying that goes on but I am afraid to really open up for fear of rejection...

It is like I want God tot be my all in all and from my life it is like "I am a liar"..get in the prescence of Christians or so-called and I fall apart especially if sense the reality of the risen savior in their lives..but in reality it is so painful...my war is God this can't be right?' Yet I yearn for fellowship..like damned if i do or don't....

I don't want to be overbearing ...I just am having a hard time..maybe I wasn't suppose to share like this ...just alot of past crap...

[Jerry]

Welcome justasiam,,,,
Wow sure looks like the church did a number on ya......You measure up with us just fine ;)


Love Jerry

[Ellen]

Welcome justasiam,,,,
Wow sure looks like the church did a number on ya......You measure up with us just fine ;)


Love Jerry

Ditto to what Jerry said. Welcome! Please know that you are not alone in your experience, your feelings, or your woundedness. Virtual hugs to you.
Ellen

[Honeybee12]

thanks justasiam.

thanks for sharing your heart, your burdens, your past. your yearning is something i can relate to. i have felt the same thing lately, but am so afraid and cautious to open up.

I pray you find safety and healing here. You are so welcome here.

This place has been such a safe place for me to share. I hope it is for you too.

[justasiam]

Thanks for the warm welcome:cool: I am not in a good way this am,,,I have to go to counseling today..and my husband is not ok with..Yes i am unequally yoked...so it makes it harder...I thought he was ok and then last night he ssemed disgusted when I told him I had the appointment...yada yada about the money..it is like I am paying for it ...and really i don't care anymore about anything..scarey ground..I am so sick and tired of my life .....don't get me wrong about my husnband ...probably the reason I am here is that this is probably the most stable relationship I have been in and that is also sic:rolleyes: What a mess ole girl you are in!!!!

Do I like abuse is that why I have allowed and believe all that i have recieved i deserve? I honestly don't feel I deserve anything nice or good...:( I just am not able to be "perfect" or have the "faith" to overcome...I don't know how to overcome myself:o

Anyway i look forward to the jopurney of whatever with you and getting to know all ...I hope I will return the kindness you have shown me so far...:)

[riverdove]

justasiam,

I can definitely relate to your post. My first SA happened more than 10 years ago. Through the years, I've experienced more ... and been wandering in the wilderness, so I can understand your feelings about church going and related. I'm glad that I'm not alone in here, but I'm also sad that the people who run church don't get it. It's like the doctors who are running the hospital and have no clue what kind of illness the patients suffer from. Very frequently, they'll say it's all due to sin and that covers everything, yet when one of Jesus' disciples asked Him why was the man born blind. He said the man born blind wasn't due to sin. I'm not denying that there's the sin factor involved in all of us human kind, but the sin diagnosis is commonly used so as to judge and not to help. So, either way, the injured will remain more injured .... Today there are so many people hurting .. and there's a gap between the mission of the church and the real needs of the world. Unless today's church leaders will see the church as a hospital ... all their reconnecting and church expansion programs will not see real recovery in people's lives ... sad, but true.

Thanks for sharing your story and keep sharing your feelings. They will be heard here. Take care.

[justasiam]

Survived therapy..half the time I checkout..meaning I am, talking but can't remember what I am talking about..I really am not as crazy as i sound..I was pissed off when i left and inwardly was not going to return..I have about an hour drive home and was able to reflect on why I am there..I somehow am believing God is wanting me to be there..and I am so tired of my life ...I have a question and i would like some feedback if ya understand what i am asking ok? I really checkout with any conversation with Jesus...I have no problems with God per se..driving home I wondered about if I am not doing some transference in regard to him?? It just messes me up and i can't get any peace...I really feel ashamed of my self and jealous of him and angry...just alot of emotions with it...I have tried to talk to others about and they look at respond like I am crazy or in need of an exorcism?? :(which adds to everything and it sends me deeper in despair...I can't really explain what goes on except that I get so frustrated and pissed off because i can't seem to get...am I making sense..???I hope it is ok to ask?

[Jerry]

..I can't really explain what goes on except that I get so frustrated and pissed off because i can't seem to get...am I making sense..???I hope it is ok to ask?

Dear Justasiam,,,,
Sounds like lots of stress to me ,,,,,,,"Sensory Input Overloading" is the tech term for it .....Loose track of conversation in mid sentence ??? Lots of conflicting and confused thoughts ??? You are not crazy,,,,your exhausted ;)

Go rent a crappy movie,,,,,,go to a comedy club,,,,,,go spend a day at a spa,,,,,,drink some wine,,,,,,find a way to distract yourself and give the brain a rest ;) It is true,,,,you can't escape the problems,but a little vacation may be just the thing ;)

Love Jerry

[Honeybee12]

justasiam.. I couldn't have said it better than Jerry.

Take some down time to decompress!! I've had to learn to allow myself to do simple things.. like play a silly internet game while listening to jazz.. or read a magazine, do a crossword or even take a drive with a camera to go take photos.

I had to get it out of my brain that just because these things weren't seemingly God-glorifying that it's okay to do them!! because they kind of are God-glorifying because He commands us to REST. And rest is awesome!

A few mindless movies that I enjoy watching.. they're French, quirky and there's very little drama or dialogue by director Jacques Tati. The films are 'playtime' 'monsieur hulot's holiday' and 'mon oncle'. I highly recommend these films!

[broken_hearted_sheep]

Try and remember one thing that really brings you joy...and then go do it! It's ok, you will get through this...my heart goes out to you. Its tough but you are safe here. Welcome.:)

[Hope 98]

Rest is a good thing - and oddly enough I've noticed a lot of God's commands in the Old testament make a big deal of it. Funny how legalists overlook those things.

Yup - that's the thing to do - rest!

I think I could use some myself.:p

[Spiny Norman]

Yeah, take a break, sounds like good advice to me too. My wife and I worked ourselves to the point of exhaustion, trying (without realising it) to be people pleasers, always saying "yes" to more responsibility in the church. One day my wife physically collapsed from the exhaustion and the stress of it all. Nowadays we do very little church-wise. Strangest thing: I've discovered that God still loves us; it never was dependent on how much we did. We were always trying to meet someone else's imaginary performance standards. We live one day at a time, one step at a time, just one stress at a time ... and when necessary, we just "stop" doing anything and rest. It makes life more bearable.

[Reg]

Also agree with Jerry.

Lately there have been a number of daily meditations about REST...


NACR Daily Meditation for Sunday, Apr 18, 2010
http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/2010-April/002741.html

NACR Daily Meditation for Saturday, Apr 17, 2010
http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/2010-April/002740.html

NACR Daily Meditation for Friday, Apr 16, 2010
http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/2010-April/002739.html

NACR Daily Meditation for Thursday, Apr 15, 2010
http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/2010-April/002738.html

NACR Daily Meditation for Wednesday, Apr 14, 2010
http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/2010-April/002737.html

NACR Daily Meditation for Tuesday, Apr 13, 2010
http://two.pairlist.net/pipermail/nacrmed/2010-April/002736.html

[justasiam]

Thanks for the input ..to rest..Counselor changed jesus to Yeshua...changed the realm .now i feel so lost....:confused: envisioned me having been washed up on an island...outstretched with my face to the side...unable to move..see a figure coming toward me.the name"Yeshua" goes off wthin me..I feel safe.....

I don't know what I know anymore..just having a hard time..I did have a so-called nice weekend with my spouse,,,,,,had a campfire in back and did have a couple of drinks..listened to some music..tried to give it a break..

I hope God understands where I am at cause right now picking up the Bible turns my stomach...when one feels crazy yet ya aren't.. noone knows what is going on within....how does one explain the tears?

My heart goes out to the guy who shot himself..when ya can't say with words the pain ..the heart cries of one soul...the woundedness..it is so hard sometimes to even take things a day at a time sometimes it is minute by minute..and that is hard...but what courage he has to share...I really admire him for his bravery to be honest where he is at..I guess it is helping me to connect to "real " people..

Not saying others aren't real..I just haven't had such a blessed life as they..I don't "hear " from God as they do.. they have made me feel as i have utterly missed the mark...so with that "feeling" I have my more bad choices to solidify my belief... I am so sick and tired of this and the performance rabbit trail...it is like "grace take me away" ..

Thanks for letting me share...

[Jerry]

I hope God understands where I am at cause right now picking up the Bible turns my stomach...when one feels crazy yet ya aren't.. noone knows what is going on within....how does one explain the tears? .

Explain the tears ?????? I always thought they explain themselves.......

Love Jerry

[justasiam]

I just need to talk ..trying to rest/be kind to myself...did go gambling before therapy as i was a wreck and wantd to quit crying:eek: Luckily I came out ahead...:cool: Maybe not healthy or godly but had to disconnect and not think...nor feel for awhile.

I erased a couple of comments I wrote on a dicussion board on spiritual abuse.on a link in Facebook..from my past...I shared some things ...I guess needing a response and got none..I guess the past overtook me again... I feel guilty for doing it ..yet it is like that "special" group and you don't belong....we're blessed and your not...if your not one of the 5-fold ministries..well your nothing.. I wish i could say..it doesn't affect me...but right now..I need support and I am afraid to go to church..any church....my support person i thought is not answering emails ..and really I don't know what else to say...My husband says I should maybe go back to drinking.....(like him) Ican't live withmyself when I am drinking either...the condemnation is bad ...:confused:

[Lori]

Hi Justasiam

I haven't been on in awhile. I do understand how you feel. I couldn't agree more with everyone else telling you to rest and just take it easy. The Bible used to turn my stomach too. I was so AFRAID of what I'd read there! I was so afraid it would be filled with condemnation and the lies of the spiritual leadership at my old church. What got me over that hump was a Bible study. I was only reading what the author told me to read and answering questions. It made me see God's Word is full of truth and healing, NOT condemnation. No words jumped out of the page at me, I saw the words of life they are meant to be. We are nearing our one year anniversary of being out and it is still hard but getting easier. I look forward to the day I don't hear my old pastor's voice giving criticism when I do something less than stellar.

I know it sounds so incredibly cliche but time really does heal wounds. I just keep telling myself "this too shall pass" and lo and behold, it has!

Blessings,
Lori