abandonment issues

[Malinda]

This morning, on the way home from dropping the kids off at school, the same old internal dialogue started playing through my head, reliving and rehashing the abuse. But this time I began to realise something.
The whole rehashing, reliving began because in dropping my kids, I have the opportunity to possibly run into an old "friend" from my SA church.
This is one of those "friends" that abandoned me when I left. They chose them, the abusive church, over me. Even after they learned some of the truth, and that they too were being used and abused.
I pray that I don't run into my old SA church members because, to be completely honest, I can't say anything nice about my old pastors and that church. I want them, my old "friends", to choose me instead of my abusive Pastors. I'm so incredibly angry at the people who abandoned me. The "best" friends that have never bothered to write, or call, or stop by. I think I'm more angry at those "friends", which then fuels my anger towards my SA Pastors. I feel like my SA pastors stole my friendships from me too.
Pretty much, I want my SA pastors to fall. I want to be right and them wrong and have all those who turned their back on me, see it.
I guess I'm finally just getting to the part to where I grieve my lost friends. The hard part is though, that their ghosts are lurking around every corner and at any moment, I can come face to face with that apparition of who they once were to me.
I poured myself out for them and one by one, just like Ceasar, punched me full of holes.
Guess I'm just having a lonely day.
I'm on my way on the road of forgiveness for my SA Pastors, but I have yet to begin the journey on that road for my "friends".
Any one relate?

[Honeybee12]

In my experience, I'm usually terrified of running into anyone from the SA church. I have in the past, and they usually try to persuade me to come back which makes me feel like a cornered animal/deer in the headlights. I even once had to take a phone call at work from someone from the SA church regarding one of their accounts. I took a deep breath and decided to be brave.. the person did even mention anything about it. Thank goodness.. I'm such a co-dependent people pleaser I wouldn't have been able to enforce boundaries.

I definitely have abandonment issues as well.

It's really hard to work it out on our own. I hope that you know that you're free. That they don't have power over you and that your relationship with God will continue to grow and flourish..

:)

[Jerry]

Dear Malinda,,,,
A little song for your friends ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLtZszne8Sk&feature=related

Love Jerry

[Lori]

OH MY GOSH!! I almost made a new thread asking this same thing! We went to our first Tea Party the other day. Right next to us in the crowd were 4 leaders from our old church. The church uses a hierarchy of leadership. You have the senior pastor, presbyters under him, leaders under them, and down through the ranks. These are "personal pastors". They call them your "spiritual parents" and even joke about having "spiritual grandchildren". Anyway, I got so weirded out! My heart was beating fast and I could hardly focus on the speakers. When my husband went to the bathroom, I practically had a panic attack. I had to pray, HARD, for God to let me focus on the speakers and not worry about what they were doing or thinking. I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking which is so silly because it really doesn't matter. I don't have to please them, only God! They were very friendly, thank God. We live in a small town so running into someone from the church happens a lot. Most are super cold which hurts. We were there 14 years and I thought they were friends. Oh well, I do totally relate!