please pray for me

[kodee]

My post reciently have shown my struggle, I know there is an accuser that harrasses us and I'm not sure what role if any he is playing. I know that I am deluged with self distructing thoughts and have for a few days now. I have resited so far but am really struggling. The pain I held in the center of my chest is back in full force, I feel like i'm having a heart attack and I just want to hurt some place else, I know that sounds strange but it has allways been a precurser to harming. I don't want to go to the Hospital ER and will call Ellen if it get's worst. God I am so tired of this, why can't just something be easy for me, I have struggled most of my life and you would think that there would be someplace where I could find peace, I pray consistantly and have been worshiping non stop while at work but don't find any releaf. Bruce is comming in on thursday for an overnight stop on his way home, i feel stressed about him comming, mostly because my home is a wreck and I have turned my house into a fortress. I think if I had a choice I would barracade myself in and never go out side. Need to go to bed. I would appreciate if you all pray for me, I need to feel God's presence

[Hope 98]

Prayers for you.

[Jerry]

Me too ;)

[riverdove]

Sorry to hear what's happening to you. Please take care and may God put His loving arms around you to help you through.

[kodee]

Jesus seems to be so far from me right now, Tuesday night I couldn't stand it any more and shot myself in the left leg with my .22 pistol, Ellen scolded me but saw me come apart on the phone. She backed off and we chatted for an hour or so. I did my field medic thing and stiched up the exit hole, just took 2 stiches so I was not hurt to bad. Since then I hit the wound if I feel myself going out of control. seems to be working. Ellen wants me to admit myself in the hospital but I won't go there. I have been struggling threw work, Really sore but that is the point, I'm hurting someplace else and is a relief to what is going on inside. I just don't see an end to this. please keep up the prayers, if Jesus is not listening to me then mabye he will hear you.

[Gayle]

Hi Kodee,

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly but I'm glad you weren't hurt too badly.

Sometimes I feel like there is no end to the thoughts and feelings inside myself either. Things have been this way for many years now - since I was an early teen. Much of my pain starts with memories and pain and anxiety. Other times I can't seem to tell where its coming from. The anxiety causes more pain. It is hard to separate anxiety from the memories - feels like no one understands sometimes. Like there won't be any relief - sometimes others can't fully understand. I can appreciate that but wish somehow it could all be taken from me. And I've learned that others certainly can't feel the degree of pain I feel in my exact situation. Its called anguish. And I've learned that what I've been made to feel about myself has been very ingrained into my inner core....I may never be able to change all of those messages....... is overwhelming. I turned to medical help to calm the storm inside. I would hurt myself when things got that painful......the longer the pain went on, the more I would hurt myself, the harder it was to feel peaceful again. The harder it was to make decisions that I could feel good about. I know you don't want to go into hospital but what if you started by just talking to a doc who can monitor meds for you? If you would accept small quantities of meds to help you through one day at a time? Please if you're hurting yourself, you need to get professional help.

[Hope 98]

Just putting in a good word for meds. I often HATE feeling that I can't function "normally" without them. But I also hate the way I feel without them, and functioning can become so difficult.

Struggling myself right now and thinking that I may need an increase in dosage. There is a point that I reach where I have to just do whatever works, and stop caring about what gets in the way.

for whatever it's worth

[riverdove]

If you can, please check in to the hospital and have the doctors look at your wound, Kodee. The wound might be infected and that may lead to further complications. My hubby just had his abcess drained. He had it for so many weeks and he kept thinking that it would get better by itself if he applied heat treatment on it. It got so red and swollen up to the almost the size of half an orange and he finally went in to the doctors. It was good he went on time for the doctors to drain out the abcess. I'm sorry for what you're going through and hope things can be easier on you ... but don't give up hope .... Jesus will never turn away from you because he understood pain no human person could ... for every stripe He took it upon Himself, He did it to heal us from our deepest pain and agony. I have had those days and know it is a painful process .... Please take care of yourself ... one day at a time.....

[kodee]

I can't get admitted into the hospital. I work for some real butt heads and if I go I will loose my job, they don't want someone who is "CRAZY" working for them. The wound looks a little red and is sore but I don't think its infected, I'm keeping it clean and dry with lots of neosporin. I am due to see my regular doctor next week. will show her and get her imput.

[Honeybee12]

Kodee,

I'll be praying for you. I'll be praying for your healing.. inside and out.

Take care of yourself, you're very special to God and to this community :)

HB12

[kodee]

I see Ellen on Friday, we have alot to talk about. I feel so dirty and unclean. Did some handloading this afternoon, got my mind off it for a while. need to med up and go to bed. chat tomorrow.


Tim

[justasiam]

I just want ya to know i am praying for you....

[justasiam]

Kodee--How are ya doing????

[kodee]

Right now just holding my own, feel like throwing up most of the time. Trying to sleep as much as I can and keeping myself busy when I can't. My wound seems to be healing well, Swolen and sore but I'm keeping it dry and covered with neosporin. thanks for checking in, i'll keep you posted

[riverdove]

I'm glad to hear that your wound is healing up. Keeping yourself busy is good and plenty of sleep is good too. Continue to take care of yourself ... Kodee and I hope your tummy feels better soon.

[justasiam]

Thanks for letting us know ...understand the extremes:(..I wish I could encourage ya more ...or take the pain away or somehow lessen ..) Will continue to pray.....

[kodee]

Saw Ellen tonight, she scoulded me prety good for not calling her before I injured myself. If it get's worst she will be forced to get my other doctors involved and have an intervention. Don't want that! I told her that it would have been good if someone would have told me that someday the feelings about the rape would connect with the memories, In alot of pain tonight, she asked if I were carring a fever, I don't own a thermomiter, but don't think so. its late and I have to be at work soon, chat tomorrow


Tim

[kodee]

Doing better today, Getting a good nights sleep and having a short day at work helped me get the rest I needed. I feel like i've disapointed Ellen, She really got on my case last night. She described our patient relationship as a marriage, I don't like getting scolded but I know I deserved it and it was good for me. Mostly she was upset that I didn't call her before I hurt myself, I don't know if she could have talked me down or not, I'm not battling thought, i'm fighting feelings and urges, its not like I can argue with them. I just took it to an extreme. I felt so dirty and unclean even after bathing I just had to "Empty" the feelings out (Crazy huh) I told her that even though I'm solidly pro life I would have made an exception if my mother would have aborted me like she wanted to. Would have kept alot of pain from happening. I also told her that it would be easier if I could see a light at the end and that someday I would get past this and that I would have been nice for someone to give me a heads up that one day the feelings would catch up with the abuse. It really did catch me off guard. Well now I know and will take whatever steps to guard myself. I do need to reconnect with a church, I will not tell them about my life, seems like every time I tell my story it comes back to bite me. I'm seeing my store as a priceless jem that I have to protect. Not everyone would be faithful with the information