Just writing for therapy

[Ellen]

Several months ago, I started realizing that no matter how good of a mood I am in, when I get to church, it doesn't take long and I experience sadness to a greater or lesser degree. My church has about 2500 people attending on any given Sunday, but I regularly see (either passing in the hallway, or from a distance) people who have made it clear that I am a "lesser than."

Since my church is huge (building and number of people), with 4 services on Sunday mornings, when my husband is scheduled to serve coffee, he has to be there at 7:30 a.m. and stays until noon. I often go along and use an hour of this time to walk the building (I lost 65 pounds a year ago and am working hard to keep it off), then attend the 9:30 service, then visit with friends, etc.

Anyway, last Sunday started out fine, but by mid-morning, I was just incredibly sad. It stayed with me all week and when I went to the Maundy Thursday service, I couldn't bring myself to stand and sing, or to take communion, or to participate in any way beyond sitting in the back pew and writing in my journal.

I have struggled for years with the knowledge that there are several people in my church who have turned against me, sent me hate mail, made phone calls to drum up negativity towards me, etc. They have never told me what I have done that is so terrible except to say that I "looked at" them the wrong way. I was involved in music and worship leading for a time, but there was so much jealousy and back-biting and jostling for leadership that I finally had to step away from that. I have a music degree (I am a high school band director) and am somewhat proficient in music, so this was an especially touchy area because many people apparently felt threatened by my education and abilities - and were appalled that someone who didn't have the right pedigree, live in the right neighborhood, have the right last name, etc. should be gifted in something so "up front." :eek:

Anyway, to make a long story even longer: I was out walking on Saturday and thinking about all of this and how in my mind God, who is a pretty big God, has allowed these people in whom he supposedly dwells to be so unforgiving, judgemental, unreconciling, and unrestorative. I have, for a long time, taken this to mean that since this God dwells in them, works through them, and has elevated them in the church, he must agree with them about me - that I am unworthy, unwanted, undesirable, etc.

Suddenly it hit me - since I see these people nearly every Sunday, I am either going to have to forgive them for their unforgiveness every week, or it is going to kill me - I could tell that it has been killing me spiritually for years now.

And, I'm going to have to (can this be possible?) forgive God for allowing it. Every week. Every time they walk past me and refuse to look at me or to acknowledge my presence, or make sure I am not allowed to participate in ministry activities, etc.

I am going to have to forgive their unforgiveness. Every time I am there.



Ellen

[kodee]

Hi Ellen,

I do understand and have felt the same as you, Jesus showed me that there is a BIG!!! difference between people who go to church and those who follow Christ, Big and flashy is not where I find Jesus, Sure it gets all the attention but It is in our hearts that christ reigns! What others thing is not what god thinks of you, it is not in his charector to be spitful or unforgiving. Forget them! I keep thinking of the scripture that in the end Jesus will seperate the sheep from the goats, and to the sheep he will lead them into eternal life and to the goats it will end in torment, he is not talking about the world he is refuring to the church. focus on Jesus and love him, build on your relationship with christ and forget the games they play. I tend to be a cage rattler! LOL I would tease them in any way I could. But thats just me! take care


Kodee

[Jerry]

Every time I am there.

Dear Ellen,,,,
Reminds me of a story... There was this guy I used to walk past on the way to work...He just stood there at the bus-stop , hitting himself in the head with a hammer....We all stood at the bus-stop pretending we didn't notice what a "Nut-Case" he was .........Finally I had all I could take.I grabbed his arm one morning,stopping the behavior,and asked ,,,,"Hey ! Why are you hitting yourself in the head with that hammer ?????" He jerked his arm free and looked at me as if the answer should be obvious and replied "Because it feels so good when I stop" ..........................................Selah ;)

Love Jerry

[Honeybee12]

Kodee, you just have some great encouragement in you! It's a gift!

Ellen, thanks so much for sharing.. there's a group of people at my work who shun, mock, bully..etc those who they feel are inferior... when actually, they really feel so inferior themselves. but apparently gossiping and slandering make people feel better. they are people who have been disappointed in life, have been burned, who are EXTREMELY bitter and angry and hurt and they lash out on others.. it's pretty awful.

Sounds like within a church or outside of a church, people will be people will be people. I'm sure it's easy to say don't take it personal.. but their behavior and character flaws have more to do with them.. than it has to do with you.

It's hard to continually forgive, but my prayer would be that God would show you the utter misery these women appear to live in.. that their wounds are not healed.. and that God would actually give you a heart of compassion on them.. and not that you have to be best friends with them at all.. but that's how I deal with the people at my job. God shows me the deep pain they're struggling with, their hurts and wounds and how lost they really are.. and this gives me continuous compassion for them. This goes against the worldly attitude, which is really what Christ is all about.

Healing on the Sabbath man.. It would probably freak the women out at your church.. or.. dare I say it.. inviting a hooker over to dinner to love on!!!