Anyone else read Soul repair???

[Malinda]

Last wednesday at church was kinda strange. My new Pastor had a call specifically for those who had been hurt or abused by a leader or ministers in the church. He was talking about forgiveness and letting go. I wish it was so easy.
Then thursday I got the book "Soul Repair" by Dale and Juanita Ryan in the mail and started reading it. I couldn't get past the first 40 pages before I had to set it down and take a couple of days away from it.
I was underlining stuff like crazy and even wrote the names of abusers in the margins. What got me though was I had to put my own name in the margin a number of times.
I was kinda shocked to see how judgemental I am. It bothers me and has all week. That I expect grace to be given unconditionally to me but I can't give it.
I always thought growing up that my mother was the most judgemental person I knew. When I was dating my husband she spread rumors throughout the church that was going to bars every weekend, having sex and even experimenting with drugs. None of that was true but when I found out I was so hurt by her lies that I did go party and start having sex. Never the drugs though.
I knew by experience that judgement could seriously wound an individual. I always prided myself on being "better" than my mom.
I got so angry a couple weeks ago that I posted on here her judgemental comments about my parenting and me condemning everyone to hell if they didn't go to church. Which reminds me, it's april now. I should get my monthly call out of the way.
The portion about Simon and the woman who poured the alabaster box on the feet of Jesus is haunting me. I always thought I was the like the woman and not like Simon. It turns out I'm more like Simon. How many times have I had that air of superiority over someone else? Even now I think I'm better than my abusers. They could be weeping at the feet of Jesus and I'd still think, just like Simon, that I was better than them. "Don't you know what kind of person that is?"
My grace seems to be very selective. I can show so much grace to the unfortunate and those who don't seem to know any better. But to those who I deem to know the "truth", I have no mercy.
Pretty much this book is whooping my butt and it's pretty painful to read about myself in it's pages. I've begun to realise my judgemental upbringing has conditioned me to join a judgemental church where I was judged and I baulked at that judgement of myself screaming " wrong, wrong" when all the while I was dishing out my plate of judgement for others.
It's going to be a lot longer road to true forgiveness than I realised.
Anyone else been whooped by this book?

[Ellen]

Malinda,
I have read "Soul Repair" and thought it was a wonderful book. I even gave it to my pastor and after reading it, he met with my husband and me and from what took place in that meeting, I believe it had a significant impact on his position/attitude toward me. Not that everything is wonderful now, but it has improved. He was able to see how he and others in the church have misrepresented God by the way they have treated me. He and I are working on our relationship and he is very careful now to extend grace at every turn with me instead of judgement. I am not "restored" at this point, which is still very painful, but without that book, I probably would have rejected Christianity altogether by now. Thankfully, my pastor has been teachable through the reading of this book. I think that is probably rare as pastors go.

Finish reading the book. Another good one for you might be "the misunderstood God" by Darin Hufford. Because of the constant messages from Christians that I am unloved, unnecessary, undesirable, etc., I still have a hard time believing it's message but I am hopeful . . .

Ellen

[ex-shep]

It is a great read. I bought it as soon as it came out. It really does speak to the pratfalls of spiritual abuse. Ken Blue wrote two books on spiritual abuse and church discipline. Both are also good reads.

[Gayle]

Hi Malinda, my sister reacted the same way to accusations of being a slut and a whore, party goer, even though she wasn't doing these at the time. Eventually she told herself - well, if that's what he thinks I'm doing I might as well do it. He can't think any less of me now.

I haven't read the book but I understand about judging our abusers there's been times in my life when I was also abusive. The judgment I was served by my abusers - I wouldn't want that put on my worst enemy even though I'd like them to understand that what they did was wrong and painful. Then on the other hand sometimes I'd like to retaliate and hurt them back - tried that but nothing fazed them, I hurt all the more and felt guilty for it.

When I read some of the scriptures on God's Anger, posted a few days ago (no offense Reg) I cringed and thought - if I judge my abusers I might meet the same judgment. I'm not able to find comfort in this concept of God's judgment of them. I still have a strong dislike moving towards hatred for my abusers, knowing I do not feel any love towards them. I am just totally repulsed by them and glad not to have to see them any more.

Something I've learned in my process though is that people who have been abused tend to seriously internalize judgments of others and often take double dose of self punishment to try to pay for perceived wrongs. We put ourselves in purgatory but never seem to pay enough.
The harder I am on myself the more judgmental I become of others. If I go on a day to day basis and try to be kinder to myself, it makes it easier to accept other people. Now this does not include my abusers - there's a definite line there.

[Jerry]

Dear Malinda,,,
We all were participants in abusive churches . We all are former abusers to some degree or another....The difference is that those of us posting here finally figured it out.... If reading Soul Repair is turning you Topsy-Turvy and messing with your head GREAT !!!!!!!! keep up the good work ;)

Love Jerry