Honeybee12
03-30-2010, 06:56 PM
Wow. So I started reading the ACOA book. I'm already noticing how having alcoholic parents affects me to this day! I just recognized on characteristic tonight and I was totally blown away.
I have two Christian friends at work. One goes to a contemporary rock n roll church in a small city and the other goes to a pentecostal church in a poor area. I go to a church with artists and beatniks who love jazz, coffee and Jesus.
Anyway, both friends have suggested books, sermons, essays, music etc for me to listen to that they think I could identify with. I rarely ever make suggestions to them. I've often found myself feeling very cornered and uncomfortable when they've made these suggestions. I start to feel afraid and without choice. It definitely triggers some stuff.
I've had to express how I feel to the both of them and how my SA experience has really made me skittish. They've both backed off.. which is a relief.
It was the end of the day and the one who goes to the pentecostal church asked me if I was going to my small group tonight. I said no.. I've had a nasty cold and don't want to spread germs to my friends and their infants. So she said her church was having a deliverance service (inferring that I was invited).. I immediately froze and felt like a door slammed on the inside of me and all kids of flags were flying. Not that I think her church is toxic.. but there was a recent abuse issue that they seemed to want to sweep under the rug and handle between the families and not bring to the police. I strongly disagreed with how it was handled and don't want to go back because of it. I also feel the pastor and his wife are authoritative, and it seems as though they are feared and worshipped there. I don't want to make assumptions... but after being in a SA environment.. my radar is on full alert and anything weird is magnified.
Suffice to say, being a child of an alcoholic and being terrified of unknowingly getting sucked into a toxic church environment, I immediately knew in my soul that I definitely without a doubt did NOT want to go. That's valid enough in itself.
But the way I handled it was so typical of an ACOA. I told her "I'm not going to my small group tonight because I'm sick and have been for a while. I'll pray about going to you church and if I feel led to go then I'll go.. otherwise I'll just see you tomorrow. Thanks for inviting me though". When I asked what time it started, I was told 7pm.. it was 6pm at the time and I suggested that 7pm was pretty soon.. and it seemed as though she blew off how I felt about time constraints in a laughing way. Sometimes I can't tell if she's judging or being passive aggressive. I have often felt guilty for declining. Not sure if that's something she's causing or if it's my own guilt.
Is this a sticky web or am I super sensitive now that I'm discovering all of my own crap?
Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?
I have two Christian friends at work. One goes to a contemporary rock n roll church in a small city and the other goes to a pentecostal church in a poor area. I go to a church with artists and beatniks who love jazz, coffee and Jesus.
Anyway, both friends have suggested books, sermons, essays, music etc for me to listen to that they think I could identify with. I rarely ever make suggestions to them. I've often found myself feeling very cornered and uncomfortable when they've made these suggestions. I start to feel afraid and without choice. It definitely triggers some stuff.
I've had to express how I feel to the both of them and how my SA experience has really made me skittish. They've both backed off.. which is a relief.
It was the end of the day and the one who goes to the pentecostal church asked me if I was going to my small group tonight. I said no.. I've had a nasty cold and don't want to spread germs to my friends and their infants. So she said her church was having a deliverance service (inferring that I was invited).. I immediately froze and felt like a door slammed on the inside of me and all kids of flags were flying. Not that I think her church is toxic.. but there was a recent abuse issue that they seemed to want to sweep under the rug and handle between the families and not bring to the police. I strongly disagreed with how it was handled and don't want to go back because of it. I also feel the pastor and his wife are authoritative, and it seems as though they are feared and worshipped there. I don't want to make assumptions... but after being in a SA environment.. my radar is on full alert and anything weird is magnified.
Suffice to say, being a child of an alcoholic and being terrified of unknowingly getting sucked into a toxic church environment, I immediately knew in my soul that I definitely without a doubt did NOT want to go. That's valid enough in itself.
But the way I handled it was so typical of an ACOA. I told her "I'm not going to my small group tonight because I'm sick and have been for a while. I'll pray about going to you church and if I feel led to go then I'll go.. otherwise I'll just see you tomorrow. Thanks for inviting me though". When I asked what time it started, I was told 7pm.. it was 6pm at the time and I suggested that 7pm was pretty soon.. and it seemed as though she blew off how I felt about time constraints in a laughing way. Sometimes I can't tell if she's judging or being passive aggressive. I have often felt guilty for declining. Not sure if that's something she's causing or if it's my own guilt.
Is this a sticky web or am I super sensitive now that I'm discovering all of my own crap?
Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?