Ellen
03-28-2010, 07:52 PM
My church has started a new program of sorts and asked folks to fill out a questionaire today. We didn't have to turn it in - it was a spiritual life assessment to show us where we are spiritually and then we are supposed to think about the results and pray about the ways that God might be calling us to grow.
The assessment had questions about how connected we are to God - through worship, prayer, Bible reading/study; questions about our relationship with God and questions about our service. We were supposed to rate each of the statements on a scale of 1 - 5 and then chart our score. There was really no option for answers outside of the the 1-5 scale, but I found myself writing short answers instead of putting in a number.
For most questions, I wrote "Not any more." Those were the questions about how much I pray, read scripture, and worship. Questions about service, I wrote, "I'm not allowed" for any that pertained to service in the church.
At the end of the questions, there was space to write in paragraph form what we ascertained from the assessment and how we felt God was calling us to respond. Basically, I wrote that my experience tells me that "many are called, few are chosen, and some of us are only tolerated" - that this has been my experience with the God who dwells in Christians. He tolerates me because he is obligated to do so, but He has made it clear that I am "unclean!, unclean!" and that I am unwanted, unnecessary, undesireable, etc.
In the area of service, I wrote that since my own pastor won't speak to me without a witness, I can't imagine anyone else being willing or able to serve with me or to be a recipient of any ministrations offered by me.
There was a question about my relationships with family, friends, and co-workers and I wrote honestly that I have great relationships with everyone in my life except Christians - that I am the favorite person in my family (the only one no one ever fights with), have wonderful friends, and am well respected and esteemed by my colleagues.
I found myself in tears as I answered the questions - realizing just how wounded I am still and how hope-less. I have learned to put on a good front and pretend that I am happy and have moved on, but answering those questions made me realize anew that the thing I hold most precious has gone dark.
Ellen
The assessment had questions about how connected we are to God - through worship, prayer, Bible reading/study; questions about our relationship with God and questions about our service. We were supposed to rate each of the statements on a scale of 1 - 5 and then chart our score. There was really no option for answers outside of the the 1-5 scale, but I found myself writing short answers instead of putting in a number.
For most questions, I wrote "Not any more." Those were the questions about how much I pray, read scripture, and worship. Questions about service, I wrote, "I'm not allowed" for any that pertained to service in the church.
At the end of the questions, there was space to write in paragraph form what we ascertained from the assessment and how we felt God was calling us to respond. Basically, I wrote that my experience tells me that "many are called, few are chosen, and some of us are only tolerated" - that this has been my experience with the God who dwells in Christians. He tolerates me because he is obligated to do so, but He has made it clear that I am "unclean!, unclean!" and that I am unwanted, unnecessary, undesireable, etc.
In the area of service, I wrote that since my own pastor won't speak to me without a witness, I can't imagine anyone else being willing or able to serve with me or to be a recipient of any ministrations offered by me.
There was a question about my relationships with family, friends, and co-workers and I wrote honestly that I have great relationships with everyone in my life except Christians - that I am the favorite person in my family (the only one no one ever fights with), have wonderful friends, and am well respected and esteemed by my colleagues.
I found myself in tears as I answered the questions - realizing just how wounded I am still and how hope-less. I have learned to put on a good front and pretend that I am happy and have moved on, but answering those questions made me realize anew that the thing I hold most precious has gone dark.
Ellen