Honeybee12
03-23-2010, 11:51 AM
Hi all,
Haven't posted here in a while. I'm hurting lately.
Easter is coming soon. I've decided to decline spending Easter with my relatives and have decided to spend Easter with some good friends.
My relatives, who are mostly conservative Christians.. have never really been there emotionally for me. My experience is that they are there for me when I need them.. be it for moving, financial help or food. However, I've never been able to emotionally connect with them.. some of my cousins I am able to talk to, but not all.
While my parents (who both passed away over 5 years ago)were in the depths of their dysfunction.. ie: adultery, depression, alcoholism, illness, poverty, denial.. you know, the 'norm'.. My relatives weren't there for my brother and I.. we also lived an hour away from them.
We're all messed up, we've all got issues.. but I feel I've made an effort to reach out to them, and feel that most of the time they're blind to how much I am alone. My only sibling is married and they're both always traveling.
I do know, that it's hard to see other's needs when all of your needs are met and everything seems fine. Most of my family hasn't seen true loss or severe dysfunction.. at least, if they do.. they don't talk about it. That's another thing, no one communicates about anything.
Suffice to say, I'm walking around feeling fairly slighted by their lack of initiation. I'm hurting and feeling so alone all of the time. It's so hard sometimes.
I think, that somehow their influence (legalism, do everything right mentality) led me to think that my SA experience must be the right way.. because there was certainly some uptight and rigid expectations for my cousins from their parents.
Stoic northern Europeans.
I'm grateful that my experience with loss has given me the eyes and heart to reach out to others. It's just hard to spend time with family when we don't speak the same language.
Haven't posted here in a while. I'm hurting lately.
Easter is coming soon. I've decided to decline spending Easter with my relatives and have decided to spend Easter with some good friends.
My relatives, who are mostly conservative Christians.. have never really been there emotionally for me. My experience is that they are there for me when I need them.. be it for moving, financial help or food. However, I've never been able to emotionally connect with them.. some of my cousins I am able to talk to, but not all.
While my parents (who both passed away over 5 years ago)were in the depths of their dysfunction.. ie: adultery, depression, alcoholism, illness, poverty, denial.. you know, the 'norm'.. My relatives weren't there for my brother and I.. we also lived an hour away from them.
We're all messed up, we've all got issues.. but I feel I've made an effort to reach out to them, and feel that most of the time they're blind to how much I am alone. My only sibling is married and they're both always traveling.
I do know, that it's hard to see other's needs when all of your needs are met and everything seems fine. Most of my family hasn't seen true loss or severe dysfunction.. at least, if they do.. they don't talk about it. That's another thing, no one communicates about anything.
Suffice to say, I'm walking around feeling fairly slighted by their lack of initiation. I'm hurting and feeling so alone all of the time. It's so hard sometimes.
I think, that somehow their influence (legalism, do everything right mentality) led me to think that my SA experience must be the right way.. because there was certainly some uptight and rigid expectations for my cousins from their parents.
Stoic northern Europeans.
I'm grateful that my experience with loss has given me the eyes and heart to reach out to others. It's just hard to spend time with family when we don't speak the same language.