Hello again

[Worn Shoeleather]

Hi,


I'm in a very dark place right now. I found out something yesterday that has in esence wiped out the last 10 years of progress I've made and set me back to step one.

Just like that, "poof", it's all gone.


I wasn't expecting this at all.

On top of this, I'm still recovering from the outpatient surgery I had 3 weeks ago.

I'm sitting here alone in the semi-darkness of my living room with just the cats for company. I'm not looking forward to when my husband and daughter get home because then I'll have to deal with their presence.

Oh yeah, I sobbed uncontrollably when I read about Theodora's passing. I didn't even know here that well.


I didn't go to church today. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to any church ever again.

I seriously feel like giving up on church and anything having to do with religion at all.

There's just been so much pain associated with it and my family.


Sorry for the cryptic quality of this post.

Great, they're home.

Bye


Shoe

[ex-shep]

I am in a similar spot myself. I had an entanglement that had its cultic moments. I doubt you would loose 10 years of recovery. Remember is the quality not quantity in the long term scheme of things.

I have been feeling a bit withdrawn and despairing. It happens to all of here at one time or another. We are here for you whatever the situation. Virtual coffee pot is always brewing. I getting the tea and biscuits from the cupboard as we speak. Hangeth on in there. Glad you are here. :)

[Worn Shoeleather]

Thank you.

My husband and daughter left to go get take out so came back here. I wasn't expecting a quick response, I appreciate it.

I'd like to just "hang out" for awhile. My emotions are too close to the surface right now and I don't even know where to begin.

Maybe I haven't fallen that far but it sure feels like it.

Shoe

[riverdove]

That is really a sad thing ... for 10 years .... It must have been a very heartbreaking experience for you ... They say recovery is one step forward and two steps back, or two steps forward and one step back. Whatever it is, it's a dance and I'm nodding my head to ex-shep's comments on recovery. What you're going through now is certainly very painful and disheartening. Thanks for sharing your story. Be gentle to yourself and take care of your needs in this very tender moment.

Ex-shep, sorry to hear of your current situation. I can relate to those feelings ... It must have been a confusing time ... I'm too in some rough spot lately ... , but to bring back a slogan I've heard you said, "This too shall pass." has helped me console myself that I'm not going to remain in that rut forever. Hope you'll feel better soon and keep the virtual coffee brewing.

[Jerry]

Hi,


I'm in a very dark place right now. I found out something yesterday that has in esence wiped out the last 10 years of progress I've made and set me back to step one.



Hi Shoe,,,,

I believe you feel that way right now,,,,but I don't buy it ;) When I have had setbacks I've had that same internal dialog ;) We are here for ya kiddo ;)

Love Jerry

[ex-shep]

Hi Shoe,,,,

I believe you feel that way right now,,,,but I don't buy it ;) When I have had setbacks I've had that same internal dialog ;) We are here for ya kiddo ;)

Love Jerry


Being a recovering alcoholic of 25 years, when I get into set backs, I have to avoid resentment and self pity like the plague. It only magnifies the problem. There is also the slogan "When I am in my head, I am in a bad neighbourhood". I have been going through an awkward struggle myself.

In my freshman year of college, I learned that I can never grade my own paper. I need somebody to proof and offer feedback.

Of course you have to share when you feel ready. It is wrong to force the issue. The forum is a safe place to vent. If you wish, find a member whose posts you like and send a private message off forum.

As Jerry said, we are here for you and we will see what we can do to help.

[Reg]

Hi Shoe,

Welcome back. I remember you.

I've been where you have. I posted here the difficulty I had with a church leader in the church I now attend. I was vulnerable thinking she could be trusted. After all I had such a good experience in it thinking it was healthy and safe. I just posted how one church leader I was involved with had helped me so much. So here was another one in the same church who was also the church counselor. Now wouldn't anyone think she also had our best interests at heart and could be trusted? I felt this church was healthy and a relatively safe place. Although right about that I was wrong about her. The bad experience I had with her almost caused me to leave the church. If it hadn't been for one church elder who asked me how I was feeling one day I well could have. I replied terrible. He then asked if I wanted to come over to his house for lunch and talk about it. He was also someone I could talk to and really listened. I went over to his house and told him the whole story how much difficulty I was having with the church counselor.

(I was involved with the leadership of the new ministry we set up called Celebrate Recovery for two years. It was during this time she began to trigger me a lot. At the time I didn't understand how deeply SA had affected my life. I thought I was over a lot of that. I was wrong. I was learning more deeply how I was affected. It was about that time I found out about this place. I learned a lot here and found out I suffered from PTSD. I knew I had times when I sort of zoned out. I didn't know what it was at the time. She was the cause of those episodes.)

That was like a relapse in my recovery. I withdrew from being involved with anything to do in the church again. I was content in just attending. I was again super-cautious of any in church leadership there.

So here I am now, ready to step out again and be vulnerable. It takes courage but I believe God has my back.

[Worn Shoeleather]

Hello and thanks again to everyone who's responded.

I'm feeling slightly better at the moment even though the situation that "triggered" me hasn't changed.

I sent a pm to Ex Shepherd and just the act of writing helped me purge the worst of my "fight or flight" reaction. (Sorry for the long pm Ex Shepherd - you don't need to respond to it.)

Folks, normally I'm the one offering advice to others. I belong to a depression support forum where I have a lot of friends and enjoy a good reputation as a "go to" person.

I'm still not happy about the situation that happened this weekend but I think I now understand some of the reasons why I reacted so violently to it.

Last year, my aunt was diagnosed with non-hodgekin's lymphoma. A month later, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with a type of bone cancer. My aunt stayed on track with her treatments until she felt better but now she is refusing to finish the last round. My mil is responding better than her doctor's expected but there is no cure for her type of cancer.

I mentioned before that I had out-patient surgery 3 weeks ago. Part of that involved a biopsy on a small lump. Thankfully, it was benign. The incision hasn't completely healed yet and last Thursday I had to call the surgeon's office because my body has this bad habit of rejecting stitches before they dissolve.

In addition to this surgery, I might have to undergo a more serious operation to remove a larger tumor from another part of my body. I've been going through treatments for severe anemia and need to be re-evaluated to see how I'm doing on that.

I've got a lot of other health issues to deal with too. Some of these may be related to early chemical exposure from growing up near an active oil field. For the past year, I've been working as a volunteer with an environmental group and just last Friday, I hosted a free movie night/Q & A forum held in our City Council chamber.

This was a HUGE victory for our little group and it was far more successful than I had expected it to be.

I guess that's another reason why this latest "blow" hit me so hard: it came right after a "high."

I've been through so much, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Saturday night, my sister goodnaturedly joked that I was starting to resemble a patchwork quilt. I don't think she knows how close to home that comment is.

I'm not happy about my current circumstances but since it involves other people and their choices, I have to just "let it go."

That may sound calloused but I don't know what else to do. Only God can change things now and it won't help anyone if I fall apart obsessing over things I have absolutely no control over.

Thanks everyone, I'll probably be back for more moral support soon but it's a real blessing to know that there is at least one place I can come to get help.

Beaten but not defeated,

Shoe

[ex-shep]

Hello and thanks again to everyone who's responded.

I'm feeling slightly better at the moment even though the situation that "triggered" me hasn't changed.

I sent a pm to Ex Shepherd and just the act of writing helped me purge the worst of my "fight or flight" reaction. (Sorry for the long pm Ex Shepherd - you don't need to respond to it.)

Folks, normally I'm the one offering advice to others. I belong to a depression support forum where I have a lot of friends and enjoy a good reputation as a "go to" person.

I'm still not happy about the situation that happened this weekend but I think I now understand some of the reasons why I reacted so violently to it.

Last year, my aunt was diagnosed with non-hodgekin's lymphoma. A month later, my mother-in-law was diagnosed with a type of bone cancer. My aunt stayed on track with her treatments until she felt better but now she is refusing to finish the last round. My mil is responding better than her doctor's expected but there is no cure for her type of cancer.

I mentioned before that I had out-patient surgery 3 weeks ago. Part of that involved a biopsy on a small lump. Thankfully, it was benign. The incision hasn't completely healed yet and last Thursday I had to call the surgeon's office because my body has this bad habit of rejecting stitches before they dissolve.

In addition to this surgery, I might have to undergo a more serious operation to remove a larger tumor from another part of my body. I've been going through treatments for severe anemia and need to be re-evaluated to see how I'm doing on that.

I've got a lot of other health issues to deal with too. Some of these may be related to early chemical exposure from growing up near an active oil field. For the past year, I've been working as a volunteer with an environmental group and just last Friday, I hosted a free movie night/Q & A forum held in our City Council chamber.

This was a HUGE victory for our little group and it was far more successful than I had expected it to be.

I guess that's another reason why this latest "blow" hit me so hard: it came right after a "high."

I've been through so much, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Saturday night, my sister goodnaturedly joked that I was starting to resemble a patchwork quilt. I don't think she knows how close to home that comment is.

I'm not happy about my current circumstances but since it involves other people and their choices, I have to just "let it go."

That may sound calloused but I don't know what else to do. Only God can change things now and it won't help anyone if I fall apart obsessing over things I have absolutely no control over.

Thanks everyone, I'll probably be back for more moral support soon but it's a real blessing to know that there is at least one place I can come to get help.

Beaten but not defeated,

Shoe

Shelly and I have an acquaintance whose life went through a similar crash. It does drive one to his knees. I am sure we will all be glad when the this too shall pass passes.

[Worn Shoeleather]

Thank you Ex Shepherd.

Sometimes though, I can't help but wonder how many times I'll have to go through the waiting process.

Shoe

[ex-shep]

Thank you Ex Shepherd.

Sometimes though, I can't help but wonder how many times I'll have to go through the waiting process.

Shoe


I know what you mean. It took me years to recover from my groups, but looking back on it, it was worth the wait. I lost a friend to a group in 1984. We did reunite in 2007. It has been a long rebuilding of the friendship which I would not trade for anything. Tammy is slowly processing her experiences years later. It turned out she left in 1993. She still has feelings of shame.

I took it one day at a time. As you can tell from the Paderewski post, the best one can do is let go and let God. For us spiritually abused, it is easier said than done, but holding on to it is not that healthy either.

What helped me was the little epiphanies that I was making progress. That seemed to keep me going.