Abusive friendship

[BeautifulMess]

Okay so I have this "Friend" this person drains the very life out of me whenever I'm around her, we always talk about her and when we're not talking about her we're talking about every man in the city and how they are desperately in love with her (not kidding). But its better that we talk about her because if not... then we talk about me.
Whenever we talk about me its about whats wrong with me. She tells me where I'm falling and I tell her I'll do better next time. I've even caught myself talking bad about myself in front of her just so we have something to talk about. How SICK is that????
I got a job at a BBQ joint last year, this girl gets a job there two weeks later. I start college classes and she wants to be in the exact same classes AND sit next to me AND be my partner in EVERY assignment. She gets really mad if I try to get a different partner for any assignment.
But then there are times, like tonight, when she will try and manipulate me by not talking to me or talking to other people about me. I am so tired of trying to be her friend!!!
I am afraid not to be her friend because I went so long without one. But now I can see that it just isn't worth the trouble!
I feel like letting go of this relationship is going to be whats best for me, right now I'm not going to think about whats best for her because its not my problem.
I am so sick of her two faced friendship! I want to curl up and cry right now. This has been going on for over a year! What is wrong with me? How do I keep finding these people? How do I handle this?

[Malinda]

This is a piece I wrote for a newsletter. I once went through the exact same situation and I ended up having to cut that relationship off completely. She was my best friend and had been since we had been 12. She was my only friend and we had been friends for 15 years. But I tell you what it was the best thing I could have done. Here just read the article I wrote and pay attention to where God speaks. I wrote this and everyone assumed it was hypothetical. It wasn't. This is what God really spoke to me.

"“….You just don’t understand Emily, I just can’t live without Matt. I know he’s not a Christian but if I give him up and really serve God then I’ll be alone and what if I never find anyone else?”
“Emily life is not all about you; it’s about living a life that pleases God.” I hear a click and the phone goes silent. I sit down on the couch with the phone still up to my ear, listening to the dial tone, as tears stream down my face. I pull my knees up close to my chest, finally setting down the phone, knowing I have just lost my childhood friend.
“Lord, I need you now. She was best friend.”
The presence of God fills the room as I speak and I begin to hear my Fathers whispered assurances. “You had to let her go. She’s seeking the things of the world and you’re seeking after me, for what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? (1 Cor 6:14-16) Iron sharpens Iron my daughter, and a dull blade requires more strength to use. (Prov 27:17, Ec 10:10) I have a plan and a purpose for your life and I don’t want anything holding you back...”

Friendships mold and shape our lives. God never designed that we go through this life alone but it’s very important that we choose our friends wisely.
Attitudes, behaviors, and speech patterns all change, based on who you hang out with.
I once had a friend, who my husband disliked. He could tell within the first few minutes of being home whether I had talked to her that day or not, and he was always irritated with me when I did. After much discussion, I finally came to discover the reason why he disliked her so much.
Every time I talked to this friend, my attitude changed. I acted like she acted. I became demanding and everything I did was selfishly motivated. Those are two less than desirable attitudes to have.
So be careful of who you call your friend. Surround yourself with people who can sharpen and not dull your blade. Success breeds success. So if you’re striving for success in your race for Christ, train with the best. Choose friends who can help you set a good pace. Choose friends who will encourage you along the way. "


I hope this helped. "A dull blade takes more strength to use."
Malinda

[BeautifulMess]

Thank you so much Malinda!
I know its time to let this friendship go, i tossed and turned last night trying to figure out how. I've been praying that I go into the conversation with the right attitude and not just angry about what she's been doing lately. She's carrying around the spirit of the abusive church that I left and its making it hard to be around her. She has already informed me that we need to have another "Discussion" which means that we will be talking about what I did to upset her and how i promise never to do it again. She sends me texts late at night to tell me shes upset but then she wont tell me why or what I did she likes me to dwell on what i could have possibly done to upset her.
This is no longer a friendship, this is controlling, abusive and wrong.
I now have to figure out if i have to go so far as to change jobs to get away from her. Please keep me in your prayers, I'm not sure what the next few weeks holds for me.

[BeautifulMess]

Tonight true colors were shown and masks were lifted.
The person I have been talking about went so far as to stalk me on this site, read what I had posted in the last few days, print it out and bring it to me at work.

She acted very nice to me all night and I knew something was up. Then as we were about to leave she handed me a folded up piece of paper and told me I "got my wish" and then she stormed off. At first I was confused because I didn't know what the paper was but then when I read it I was horrified to discover that this girl has been stalking me online and reading my posts on this site. I mentioned this site to her about six months ago when we were both going through the pain of leaving the church but she didn't really seem interested. I suppose this has been going on for a long time because I can't imagine that she just happened to look at the site see the post and know who I am. She must have been at this for a long time. Scary huh?
This is very disturbing to me, what kind of a person stalks another person online?!?!

I feel like an huge burden has been lifted! This situation ended in probably the best way it could have because it revealed to me the truth about how TOXIC this relationship was and confirmed my discernment.
It's so interesting how she acts exactly like someone in the church she can't stand. Coincidence?

Thank you so much all of you for your support and love, you have helped me through the darkest days I've ever been through. But because of the situation and the fact that this girl has been stalking me, I feel it is necessary to sign off. This was my safe place and you were all great friends to me even though I've never seen your faces. But now that I know she is out there lurking and knowing something about how malicious she is with peoples emotions. The best thing for me, in moving forward, is going to be to remove her from every area in my life. This is a place she has tainted with her presence.

I will be checking in and you can still send me private messaging.
I love you all you are always in my thoughts and prayers I will see you when GOD calls us home.

Your friend in Christ,

BeautifulMess

[Ellen]

What I find interesting is that it was on this site that she learned your true thoughts and feelings. You had wondered how to end this friendship and the answer was that she needed to know the truth - which she found in your posts. Would you have been able to tell her the truth to her face? Probably not - most of us are too "nice" to do that (which is a good part of what got us in to trouble with the church in the first place).

I think it's great that she was able to find the truth here - hopefully more truth than just how abusive her behavior has been toward you. I doubt this is over for you just yet - these kinds of people don't let go that easily. Most often, the best reponse is no response at all and eventually they will move on to a new "victim."

What frustrates me is that you are going to allow her to come between your "friendships" on this forum by no longer participating. Don't let her "win" that way! Stick around and keep being the blessing you are to others here - anything less and you are still letting her control your life.

Just my 2 cents.
Ellen

[Malinda]

I think Ellen is right. You can't let her win. I figured out with abusive people they're gonna find out one way or another what you're up to. I know the people at my SA church stalk me online.
It's just sad that she doesn't want to get in a healthier state of mind. She chooses to regurgitate the same abuse that she suffered through and not take responsibility for her own involvement in an abusive system.
I better stop writing now before I say something mean. It does anger me that someone on our site who came here for healing is being abused by someone who exploited this site so she could further abuse the abused.
You've got friends here. Just know that we're here for you.
Malinda

[lionheart]

I am new here. I am very concerned. The name of this site is Christian Recovery Forum. Where is the due process? Where is the full disclosure between people who are offended by someone? Even alleged criminals have the right to face their accusers. But here, one can open a line and drag a person or church through the mud, and others come and blindly believe that the person flaming out, has no blame in the situation. BeautifulMess, (real original name) what part did you play in the offense? Someone just opens up and vomits anger and bitterness, and others just jump in on the beating, and believe blindly. Oh, that's right, soap operas Are real, aren't they?!
For real healing, why can't we go to the word for solutions? In Matthew 18, we are told that if our brother sins against us we are to seek them out, (not flame on a web site). In Matthew 6 we are told that if we forgive, our heavenly Father will forgive us, but if we don't, He won't forgive us. Where is the forgiveness? Where are the bond servants of Christ? I would really expect this type of behavior from unbelievers. But most of the people I have read on this site are professed believers. It was the same pious, self righteous, holier than thou behavior that put our Savior to death in the first place.
This isn't recovery, it is flame out on others and get other angry bitter people to come to your side and tell you how right you are. This behavior borders on relativism. You are making up your own rules here. How is that right? Where is the moderator for the forum here to keep the interaction civil? I just hope that somehow, someone actually does get some healing here, but this isn't healing, it is viral.

[Ellen]

Pot to Kettle: "Black!, Black! Black!"

Lionheart, it takes one to know one.

Ellen

[MakesMisakes]

Hmmm... Well I am kind of confused about some things.
First: I agree with Lionheart. This seems to be sort of a bash on this "friend" of BeautifulMess's, but it honestly sounds as though BeautifulMess has said squat of this to her "friend". If you are seriously so hurt by this person, what are you doing only complaining about it here??? Why aren't you approaching the problem head-on???
Second: By just talking about it here, you give your "friend" no chance to defend herself, therefore resulting in a big talk that goes around in circles. Look I don't know either of you and I am sure this is really hard for you, but I don't think your handling this right at all! This site isn't about you venting your problems about a problem in a friendship where you wont even talk to that person about it.
Third: Why are you so surprised she found this on the internet??? Its the internet, you can find anything. I would hardly say it qualifies your "friend" to be stalking you, obviously you weren't careful enough. Though this would help if your "friend" knew the situation in the first place don't you think???

Like I said I know neither of you but it honestly sounds like you don't even want the situation to be fixed, you just want to complain about it to a bunch of random strangers online who will take your side and blame your "friend" for everything.

[Ellen]

I'm always a little suspicious when several new "post-ers" suddenly show up telling those who have been here a while what this forum is for and about and being so defensive about people and situations that they claim they know nothing about. Makes me wonder if Beautiful Mess's ex-friend, who has been stalking her on this site, has decided to develop several user names in order to defend herself and to try to tell everyone else she is the "wronged" person. Let's see how many "new" members continue to weigh in against Beautiful Mess and this forum . . . if you are all one and the same, the administrator will be able to tell and will eventually block you, so go ahead - bring it on!

Ellen

[mom24gr8tgirls]

Hello everyone, it has been some time since I last posted on this site. Again I do want to thank you for all the love and encouragement and support that you have shown. I am the mother of "BeautifulMess". She is my daughter whom I love and cherish and am so proud of. She along with our family has been through a lot this past year and a half and she is a 'young' adult still learning in life... as we all are.

I have talked with her at length regarding this situation and there are things she certainly could have done differently and is learning from that as this shows her willingness to take life and learn from it as God would have her to. The posting she made out here was to release what she was feeling as some of it brought back to her the issues of what she has been through... people pleasing.. always being made to feel 'less than' and so forth... not healthy grounds for any relationship.

Some of the replies on this post are and should be obvious are from the family of the 'friend' that she was addressing. The mother of the other young adult has sent 'beautifulmess' a private very bitter, angry and offensive message.. we will post that later for all to read. ( the reason we post this is not to hurt anyone but if we are going to work this out that whole truth needs to be known... not just some things they 'want' you to see... God expose all the truth..all things done in darkness bring into the light...no false spirituality out here.)_ They are now trying to determine what is okay to post and get advice on out here and if it is a 'due process'... seems to me that is not their place. It is a very judgmental and hypocritical stance to take since it is known that they discuss their frustrations about friends or so-called friends among themselves and with others...which is no different than this, except out here NO ONE knows who you are talking about. They have learned under very legalistic churches for many years and although they have left the Religious organization they were in ... they unfortunately still carry a religious spirit, control and obviously take on offenses that should not have been theirs to take on.

My intentions had been to give this all a few days and then to contact those parents and let them know that we were not taking on any offense and that although this is a hard and emotional thing we need to pray and support our daughters and let the Lord work out what He sees fit to work out. I never got the opportunity to do this as they began coming on this site and attacking... they did not call us to get together and talk about anything... but they did preach "Matthew 18" out here a few times.. but this is the thing... if you are going to 'preach' scripture at anyone... you need to live it out yourself... don't try to remove a toothpick from your neighbors eye when you have a telephone pole in your own.

When beautifulmess wrote her feelings out here she knew she was venting and after that she began to pray on how to handle things better... she actually came to the conclusion that she needed to talk with 'lionheart"...or 'makemistakes' or whom ever and let her know that the friendship the way it was... was not working.... that they were both not in a place to 'hold one another accountable' and that she was seeking out a Godly mentor for herself and that her 'friend' could choose to do whatever she thought she should do. She felt that there needed to be some boundaries in how they speak to one another.... seems reasonable to me.

Beautifulmess used this site because she trusted the people that have ministered to her out here and I too am grateful for all of you...this was no different than her writing in a private journal or going to a counselor to talk it through... in that she has done no wrong and I support her 100%.

But as you can all see the intruders who are offended have come here to taint what was meant to be for good... but the enemy will not have victory...

Even at this time although it has taken much prayer to overcome the flesh this morning... we are not offended nor will we be... but we are thankful that God loves us all enough to reveal those things that we must walk away from and in this case... it is something that 'looked' like friendship but really was not... but that's OK... lesson learned.

We have learned so much about ourselves and God and others over the past year... more than we ever thought we could learn... this family is hurt and that is understandable... but it isn't just by my daughter... they have been deeply hurt by the church and others that they thought were their friends... they have even felt hurt and abandoned by God... so I guess I would encourage all of you to minister to them... let them know they are loved by God and that these very hurtful things in their life can be mended and healed if they open themselves up for that and that God can bring them hope again and give them a life of joy and love and friendship....

My daughter and I value all that you have poured into our lives and pray that others will get the same healing balm from your love and ministry as well...

[BeautifulMess]

Here is Part ONE of the Friends MOthers Private msg to Beautifulmess:

Okay, you can stop right here little lady. You’ve been quite rude, and I am no longer sitting on the sidelines. We are going to deconstruct the lies you have posted on this forum. First of all, she hasn’t spoken evil of you from day one, still isn’t now after all you have said. She cries, hurt from the venom spewed out on this site. I am not sure of what is going on in your life for you to make up all these lies, but you might seriously want to reconsider what has been said here. She has only wanted to help you with the transition from the church, but you have held on to the bitterness and the hatred. Let It Go. You are only causing yourself pain, and injuring those around you. Let’s start from the beginning of your rant.
1. You and I know that you both went to the “BBQ joint” and put in applications on the same day. I watched you go. So from the start you are misrepresenting the facts.
2. Then she “wants to be in the same classes.” Whatever! You two planned out your schedules together.
3. Oh, and the “manipulation.” So when someone wants to have a face to face conversation to hash out the issues, that Must be manipulation! Like this forum, texting isn’t the place to have a conversation, but you started it.
4. Then there is the “two faced friendship,” that was just rude, and mean. She has been nothing but loving to you and yours, and you know it.
5. (and I really don’t know why Malinda decided to include bible references to prostitution on a post about your supposed life sucking friend) Whatever!
6. Spirit of an abused church. Hmm, how long did it take to think that up? Have you heard that lately? From anyone you know? Wow. She gets hurt directly by the church you speak of so flagrantly, and you get hurt indirectly, and “She?” carries around the spirit of the abusing church? That is laughable.
7. The only controlling going on here is the trashing of the truth by you. You are controlling any of those unsuspecting souls who would come to this forum looking for comfort and only find your anger and bitterness flaming away.
8. Abusive. Please indulge me by giving me any example of how she is abusive:

abusive - adjective
1 : characterized by wrong or improper use or action especially : CORRUPT 〈abusive financial practices〉
2 a : using harsh insulting language 〈an angry and abusive crowd〉
b : characterized by or serving for abuse 〈abusive language〉
c : physically injurious 〈abusive behavior〉 — abu•sive•ly adverb — abu•sive•ness noun Merriam-Webster, I. (2003)

9. Stalking, wow. Most legal definitions of stalking talk about placing the victim in fear of attack. Do you know how weak that makes you sound? She is close to a foot shorter than you, and a little lighter than you, and you are So afraid. Wow. Try going to a police officer and saying “this person is stalking me, they gave me two pieces of paper showing something that I wrote and posted on a forum, anonymously”. Do you really think they will take you seriously and just so you know……she has NOT STALKED YOU. Quite honestly, it doesn’t take a high school diploma to take a “quote” from your Facebook posting and drop it into Google search, and find it online. Try it, you will see. Stalking. It is so ridiculous that it makes me want to laugh and yell at the same time. Stalking, really? Be careful of the accusations you toss around. Remember you will be held accountable for both your words and actions, maybe not in this lifetime, but someday you will.
10. True colors, that’s right! She hasn’t maligned you, talked bad about you, or mistreated you! She has done what God himself does in some situations. She gave you over to your own desires. She has set you free from the abusive, life sucking, controlling friendship that you both had. Let us just forget about all of the sleepovers, Starbucks, transportation, secrets held in confidence. Let’s just forget about all of that. True colors, yep. Here you are trashing the one true friend you had left because she challenged you. She dared you to get over the church. She cared enough to let you know that you should get over it, even if that pissed you off. That is friendship. True Colors, you’re exactly right.
11. She acted nice to you all night because she still loves you as a friend, and cares about your heart. Reflect on her last words to you.
12. She wasn’t interested in this site until she found your quoted text, so get off that soap box.

[BeautifulMess]

Here is part 2 of the friends mothers private message to Beautiful mess: by the way her name on the forum is LIONHEART...

YES.. Ellen... one of the new ones along with 'makemistakes'... I guess they expect be shown grace but are not willing to give it? Not sure...



13. Oh, and look, did she get on this site and trash you? Not at all. She wouldn’t dream of it. That is called slander, and defamation of character. Your forum posts show a character that has some holes in it.
14. I am so glad this burden has been lifted. Who are you going to blame for the burden the “church” has “laid” upon you? Hopefully you can some day be free of that also. I just hope that no one has to be eaten alive on a forum for you to get closure.
15. TOXIC. Yes, that is a good word. Toxins are produced by humans, and enter the system through surreptitious ways. They are very hard to detect. They spread to other humans. In a similar fashion as the anger and bitterness that I read on this site, infecting one hurt person after another. This forum is for people to heal, not to slander their friends (or former friends).
16. That’s fine, go ahead and sign off. Do exactly what you told someone else to do: RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just remember one thing, where ever you go, there you are. You may just find that the previous church or friend isn’t where the issue lies.
17. Malicious with people’s emotions? Please help me here. What could she possibly have done to your emotions that you haven’t already done? Please give me some factual examples, if you have any.
18. Tainted with her presence. That sounds pretty good. I hope that her love and joy have truly tainted you forever. Maybe one day you will taint someone else the same way, instead of spreading filth like did on this forum. That is tainted.

You may not truly ever know who this is, but I know of you. I have heard all the stories about the church (from your family), and all the stories about your family (from the church). I am smart enough to know that neither party in this battle was sinless. The truth lies somewhere in the middle and only God himself knows the depth of the story. Imagine this: I have a user, I could have posted this for the world to see, but I have no desire for that. I only hope that you would repent of the way you have treated your “friend.” This type of forum gives no place for the forgiveness of Christ, or even the chance for both sides of the story to be told. Even criminals are given the chance to face their accusers and to provide a defense. Only those who don’t want the truth to come out hide behind a screen name in the depths of misery and pain of a forum dedicated to the recovery of Christians. I only use the screen name to show you how it feels to be accused from behind a screen. I guarantee you one thing; I am not the former friend you have slandered here on this site.
Please use this information as a tool for learning that flaming on a website against another person, isn’t an effective way to resolve a conflict. It only confirms the anger and fuels the bitterness that was there already. You may not think so, but I truly love you and your family. And have loved you all for some time. But in this note I wash my hands clean. I hope that this is the last I hear of this, but bet that it isn’t. I truly hope that you can grow past the hurt from the church. They will. Harboring unforgiveness only hurts you and those you love. I know, I have also been stained by church choices in the past. I also want you to know that I am not angry with you for your words, just concerned that your pain may hurt others. Hurting people, hurt people. Sounds odd, but true. I’ve done it. I have since repented and asked forgiveness. I am no longer hurting, I am free. I pray the same for you.
May God bless you, and forgive you, I already have.
Signed: me.