Called suicide prevention

[kodee]

I was struggling with memories of my rape last night and didn't want to call Ellen so late, I called the local suicide prevention number and talked to a woman named Julie, I tried to tell her that I have a history of self harm and that I had infact hurt myself earlier in the evening but not bad enough to have medical treatment. It was like she was reading off a list of what to do and say, I asked her if she was a profashional ( I'm a lousy Spiller) she ran off stuff I could do that didn't work in the past like marking myself with a marker or putting ice on myself untill it hurt. All I needed is someone to listen, I tried to tell her about the rape, that is what was replaying in my head, I didn't get to the part that I had a gun to my head, she stopped me and asked if there was anything else she could do for me, just like that! there wasn't, I just needed her to listen. I did put the gun away and took more meds to get to sleep. Good thing that I had the day off today, Got alot done, sent the broken stock off to have it replaced hopefully and Mom saw I wasn't myself so she spent 400.00 dollars on a new Bow for me. I'm really a mess right now, I feel so broken. I see Ellen tomorrow evening and will have alot to talk about, Still feeling the urge to shoot myself in the leg though not as bad as last night. I have to be up early tomorrow because we have a drivers meeting and I have to be off early enough to get to Vancouver where my car is being detailed. It was so dirty that it took all day and woun't be done untill after 1:00pm tomorrow. Going to bed now


Night

[Hope 98]

I really don't know how to respond to your post, but my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

Praying that you'll find comfort and whatever you need to feel good again.

[kodee]

I find that most don't know how to respond, its okay. Rape is never easy to talk about and especialy for men. I talked to Ellen tonight and it was intense. I told her all that's been going on. she is certinaly alarmed. I told her tonight that if the memories become more intense that I'm not sure how I could handle it. she gave me some deep breathing excersizes to try and to stop what i'm doing and focus on relaxing. Before my memories were like watching a black and white TV show about what happened to me, I was rather non feeling about it, it was just like something I saw on TV, it is called disassociation. I have been feeling more feelings associated with the trama reciently and the coping skills I have used in the past just are not working for me right now, Some have triggered more self abuse. I wish I were different and had nothing like this happen. it was not my idea to be born or abused. Right now i'd appreciate just praying for me, knowing that I'm being lifted up is a comfort for me. I need to draw closer to Jesus, just don't know how

[Malinda]

I'll be praying. I think we all wish we could help but we're all unsure how. Only God knows and so to take it to Him is the best thing any of us can do.
Sometimes I think we all think we know too much anyway.

[riverdove]

You do have a lot there to share, Kodee. I'm so glad you didn't keep all your feelings bottled inside. No matter how awful it is .... getting it all out is better than bottling all the pent up emotions. They say part of recovery is to keep talking about how you feel. As an abused kid myself, I have always felt shameful and secretive about what happened to me. For years, I suppressed my feelings ... so all was well ..., but not really. I have to deal with it now and I'm way over the hills and still struggling. The SA only made it worse ... I cannot believe that what happened when I was 5 years old still feels like it was only yesterday, so I can relate ...

I know what you mean when people tell us what to do when all we want to tell them is how hurt we are.... This is why my communications break down with my dysfunctional family members. They always talk above me and I always feel so misunderstood. I will never want to share with them any details of my life ... as my hubby says why caste pearls to swines.

Somehow, I got the feeling that you'll be doing better and better because not a lot of people are as brave as you to share like this. I'm so glad you're going to counseling, calling the suicide hotline and doing what you can to help yourself. To me, these are all very courageous acts. Thanks for sharing your hurts and pain, They are there and they are real. You do need to get them out and grieve over what happened to you ... even if it means telling the same story over and over again ... until you feel better. Take care and take one day at a time.. God bless!

[riverdove]

One more thing to include .. recently, been reading the book of Job. He was a very tortured man. Reading it helps me relate my suffering to his. Prayers for your situation.

[Gayle]

Hi Kodee,

just to let you know I'm thinking about you too.

I'm glad you have the courage to talk about just where you're at with people here. You are very strong that way even though its not a comfortable place to be.

Gayle

[Hope 98]

I need to draw closer to Jesus, just don't know how

This statement is something I understand. I hope that the thoughts that are coming to my mind prove helpful to you.

First of all, I was sexually abused as a teenager. I don't understand all specific gender issues, but I have a sense of the kind of pain you may be experiencing.

I went through most of my life feeling like I needed to "clean up" before God would be willing to be close to me. I learned that concept could not be more wrong. Jesus TRULY is close to the broken-hearted. As backward as it may sound, maybe you don't need to do anything to draw closer to Jesus, because He has already drawn close to you.

God has brought me healing that is impossible to measure and hard to describe. It has been a process of moving forward and backward, by both leaps and baby steps.

I sincerely pray that you find the same kind of healing, no matter what steps you find yourself taking.

[kodee]

I had to work today and as I drove to Portland, I was recalling different issues about the rape, At one point I started crying, more like whaling! When I get like this I put worship music on and Worship Jesus, It is the only thing that seems to help. At the moment I was hurting the most this song came on by JJ Heller called "In your hands" I had to pull over because I was crying so hard, by the time I got to Portland my eyes were so red that I made some excuse about algeries, I have been crying most of the day. I found it on Amazon and on youtube, suggest you check it out with the lyrics, amazing song and discribes what is going on inside me better then I can right now. Thanks for the encouragement, Ellen assureds me that this is all a good thing, I have guarded this part of my heart for so long and not sure why Jesus is picking now touching it, I love him so much. Need to get something to eat, craving comfort food like tripple chocolet ( i'm a lousy speller when I'm crying) melt down at Applebees!

[Hope 98]

Glad to hear you are going for comfort food.

Crying is part of the process...is there such a thing as a convenient time to cry?

[kodee]

Decided agenst the tripple choc. melt down, bought a big bag of potato chips and some cold milk, not the best dinner but at least it was something. I also found another song by JJ Heller called "Love Me" i'm listening to it now. cool song. Girls can cry much easier then guy's can, I have had so much stored up, it was during my divorce that I last remember crying, it has been good for me though, I feel better for getting it out.
Tomorrow i'm going to the Expo gun show to sell one of my rifles, Not that I like getting rid of a rifle but I never shoot it and I can use the money. I'm thinking of learning to play the guitar, guess I just want to do something different. going to bed.

night

[riverdove]

Jesus cried too .... When you're able to cry, you're beginning to grieve over what you've lost ... your childhood and the trust you had on the people who were supposed to love and protect you .... For many years as a kid, I always felt an anger inside, but couldn't quite pinpoint what caused it. I never quite knew how to handle it then, but and now I realized it was my childhood depression from all the traumas I had experienced. I remember seeing Mom so helpless .. always crying and it always ended up with us wailing with her. Crying in many ways is a strong emotion and as many would think that it is a weakness, but to me, I see it as a God given gift to help connect with our deepest emotions inside and also to connect with those who suffer which was why Jesus was weeping along with the family of Lazarus. I believe Jesus weeps with us every time we cry. A person who cannot cry any more cannot be a good thing.

Right now, I am too in great pain dealing with the toxic relationship with some of my close relatives. The difference between them and us is that they continue to hurt others without knowing that they have a disease and we are here trying our best to deal with our pain and recover. You hang in there, Kodee, and keep hanging onto Jesus. Your faith is admirable and I'm learning so much from you here.

Ah .. talking about rich food, I think it is part of my therapy :) Go for it if you can .. once in a while it's ok. Try to spell the word "stressed" backward and you'll find out what we all need when we're stressed. Listening to music and taking up a hobby like playing the guitar is a great thing to do. I deal with my depression by doing gardening a lot. Now I spent all my hard earned money all on plants, but it's ok, some of them are producing fruit for me and I'm always so delighted to find new growth in my plants.

One day at a time ... and easy does it .... take care of you.

[kodee]

Didn't sleep last nighty, Cat napped threw the day, I was going to go to the gun show but just couldn't make myself get out of the house. Kodee finaly prodded me to the garage to handload. Need to go to the grocery store, all I have eaten is the potato chips from yesterday. Somethig green needs to be on the menu. I have had hard times but nothing like this. not sure what to do with myself, its like i'm lost and can't find my way or what way to go. Mabye eating will help. check in later