Made up conversations in our heads...

[Malinda]

I got myself all worked up in the car on the way home from walmart having a made up conversation in my head. You know the ones in which you imagine all the things you'd really like to say to that person if you just had the guts. Well my make believe conversation was directed towards my mother tonight.
I'll admit it, I'm offended with her big time.
Last week I called her for my monthly chat and all the sudden she wants to be downright "honest" with me and instead just insulted me.
I was sharing with her about some things that I had come to understand about SA and I made mention that it even had effected the way I parented my children. Her response was to say that her and my dad saw that I made my children perform for me and that everything about my parenting style was based on performance. This was coming from a woman who has seen me and my family twice in the last 6 years. She doesn't even have a relationship with her own grandkids. Even when I lived 40 minutes away instead of 18 hours away she only came over to my house twice in three years.
The conversation got even better after she insulted my parenting. She then said that I used to be so religious that I believed and told people that they were going to hell if they didn't go to church. She was so glad that I was coming out of that belief system....
That comment made me really mad but I kept my cool and very calmly corrected her and said that I never believed that and never said that to anyone.
I knew where that one was coming from...my sister told her I had said that and she believes my sister to this day that I said it....three years later.... Even though my sister is a proven pathological liar. My sister has made up the most horrendous stories that have nearly destroyed peoples lives.
She's one of those that the attention always has to be on and she has to have the nicest stuff and the most money. She most definitely falls into one of those personality disorders.
I find it so frustrating. It's like I'm never good enough. Though it might be if I lived in a big house and raked in the dough.
What I don't get is my mom values everything in the church world especially if it experiential. So you'd think she'd be proud of a daughter in ministry. No, there's always something negative, something I'm not doing right.
Last month I got in trouble from my mom for rushing into ministry without healing properly and this month it's because I'm not doing enough. I heard things like, "When are you going to start your band and start traveling? You should make your band members be volunteers and not pay them because that's how "big name worship leader" does it. After all it's your name they're paying for not the band."
I woke up today and realised I really don't like my mom at all. She's a know it all and it's impossible to please her.
I can't help but wonder if our parental relationships contributed to us being susceptible to abuse in the first place. I know for me I have this stupid need to please. I want to be accepted and liked. I want everyone to think I have it all together and my SA church fostered that too the max.
We were a name it and claim it church. It was an absolutely , completely, without a doubt, goal and performance oriented church. I just happened to perform well. Never had the big, fancy house or shiny new car but I still looked like I had it all together. I just never invited anyone over to our double-wide because I knew there would be judgement and condemnation.
Honestly, it's hard for me even going to a new church and being a nobody. At my SA church I was the superstar. Even that never impressed my mom though.
I don't know...I'm just venting yet again.
I wish I had a nice way of telling my mom that she was a butt and she's very judgemental, non-supportive and extremely materialistic....in a nice way. Even if I found a nice way to say all that though, she wouldn't be able to handle the honesty.
All this venting...because of an imaginary conversation in my head.

[Reg]

Malinda,

It's good you got it all out here. I have had similar conversations that cost me many sleepless nights. Then I got into journalling. It was very cathartic for me.

I can't help but wonder if our parental relationships contributed to us being susceptible to abuse in the first place. I know for me I have this stupid need to please. I want to be accepted and liked.

I think it plays a large part. We are predisposed to being manipulated by them.
With me it was my step-father. I didn't know he wasn't my real father until I was 18. You can imagine how deeply that affected me at that age. Also, in my earlier years I sensed something wasn't quite right. I instinctively was on a constant search for a father figure and always wanted to perform well to gain favour in the eyes of others.

[Reg]

This is something I experienced as a child. The constant need to belong.

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NACR Daily Meditation for Sunday, Feb 7, 2010

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Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
Isaiah 43:1

Abandoned. Neglected. Alone.

Many of us share these painful struggles. Unfortunately, many of us have struggled with them from very early in life. People from dysfunctional families often feel that they were never acceptable to their parents. Many struggle with the feeling that they can never be good enough to receive attention. If reinforced by rejection or abandonment from friends, colleagues, or other significant people in our lives, we can easily conclude that we don't really 'belong' at all.

Humans have a deep longing to belong, to be emotionally bonded with others. Social isolation can be very painful to us. But social isolation may have felt like the only option open to us as children. Attempts at closeness may have meant experiencing control, abuse, rejection or loss. We may have pulled away to protect ourselves, even though it left us lonely and afraid.

God comes to our lonely, anxious hearts and whispers our name. God says "I see both the fear you have of closeness and the deep longing you have to belong. I have come to comfort you and to respond to your need. I have been seeking relationship with you. You belong. You belong to me. You are my child."

It may frighten us - this invitation to belong to God - even though we long for it. It may frighten us because we expect pain and disappointment, over-control and rejection. But gradually, as we continue the healing process, we can allow God to meet this deep need. We can allow ourselves to belong more and more to God.

Help me, God,
to allow myself to belong to you.
Thank you for calling me by name.
Thank you for saying 'you are mine'.
I want to belong to you, God.
Help me to heal, Great Physician,
So that I can accept my place in your family.
Take away my fear, Father,
give me the courage to belong to you.
Amen

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

[Reg]

Another great one by Dale and Juanita Ryan about "those conversations in our head" about what others say about us.

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NACR Daily Meditation for Thursday, Feb 4, 2010

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Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are
a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
Psalm 3:2-3

We receive messages about ourselves from the important people in our lives. We internalize these messages and carry them with us, repeating them to ourselves as if they were gospel truth. When the messages are shaming messages then the internal chorus chants "You are not lovable. You are beyond repair. Even God cannot help you."

This chorus is a chorus of lies. The psalmist rejects these lies. And we need to begin to reject these lies as well.

The Lord is a "shield around me", the psalmist says. A shield protects. It comes between the blows of an enemy and a person's vulnerable places. Most shields are small and can only protect a limited area from attack. But the shield which the Lord provides completely surrounds us. We can let this shield protect us from these attacking messages.

The psalmist also says that the Lord "bestows glory on me and lifts up my head". Heavy burdens of shame, neglect and abuse have bowed our heads. The Lord listens, pays attention and cares about us. God's love counters the voices of our internal shame-chorus so that we can lift our heads. God replaces our shame with glory. It is a picture of a ragged, neglected child whose head is bowed and shoulders are bent. A king sees the child and goes to him. The king gently lifts the child's chin until his eyes meet his own smiling eyes. He asks the child to come home and live as royalty with him. The child is loved, honored, protected. You are the child. God lifts your head and bestows glory.

God help me to stop listening to lies about you.
Help me to stop listening to lies about me.
Be a shield around me.
Bestow glory.
Lift up my head.
Amen.

Copyright Dale and Juanita Ryan

[Jerry]

I got myself all worked up in the car on the way home from walmart having a made up conversation in my head. You know the ones in which you imagine all the things you'd really like to say to that person if you just had the guts. Well my make believe conversation was directed towards my mother tonight.
I'll admit it, I'm offended with her big time.
Last week I called her for my monthly chat and all the sudden she wants to be downright "honest" with me and instead just insulted me.
I was sharing with her about some things that I had come to understand about SA and I made mention that it even had effected the way I parented my children. Her response was to say that her and my dad saw that I made my children perform for me and that everything about my parenting style was based on performance. This was coming from a woman who has seen me and my family twice in the last 6 years. She doesn't even have a relationship with her own grandkids. Even when I lived 40 minutes away instead of 18 hours away she only came over to my house twice in three years.
The conversation got even better after she insulted my parenting. She then said that I used to be so religious that I believed and told people that they were going to hell if they didn't go to church. She was so glad that I was coming out of that belief system....
That comment made me really mad but I kept my cool and very calmly corrected her and said that I never believed that and never said that to anyone.
I knew where that one was coming from...my sister told her I had said that and she believes my sister to this day that I said it....three years later.... Even though my sister is a proven pathological liar. My sister has made up the most horrendous stories that have nearly destroyed peoples lives.
She's one of those that the attention always has to be on and she has to have the nicest stuff and the most money. She most definitely falls into one of those personality disorders.
I find it so frustrating. It's like I'm never good enough. Though it might be if I lived in a big house and raked in the dough.
What I don't get is my mom values everything in the church world especially if it experiential. So you'd think she'd be proud of a daughter in ministry. No, there's always something negative, something I'm not doing right.
Last month I got in trouble from my mom for rushing into ministry without healing properly and this month it's because I'm not doing enough. I heard things like, "When are you going to start your band and start traveling? You should make your band members be volunteers and not pay them because that's how "big name worship leader" does it. After all it's your name they're paying for not the band."
I woke up today and realised I really don't like my mom at all. She's a know it all and it's impossible to please her.
I can't help but wonder if our parental relationships contributed to us being susceptible to abuse in the first place. I know for me I have this stupid need to please. I want to be accepted and liked. I want everyone to think I have it all together and my SA church fostered that too the max.
We were a name it and claim it church. It was an absolutely , completely, without a doubt, goal and performance oriented church. I just happened to perform well. Never had the big, fancy house or shiny new car but I still looked like I had it all together. I just never invited anyone over to our double-wide because I knew there would be judgement and condemnation.
Honestly, it's hard for me even going to a new church and being a nobody. At my SA church I was the superstar. Even that never impressed my mom though.
I don't know...I'm just venting yet again.
I wish I had a nice way of telling my mom that she was a butt and she's very judgemental, non-supportive and extremely materialistic....in a nice way. Even if I found a nice way to say all that though, she wouldn't be able to handle the honesty.
All this venting...because of an imaginary conversation in my head.

Dear Malinda,,,,
There is something to be said for writing down what we think ,feel, and believe.....If for no other reason,just so we can break with it ;)

Love Jerry

[kodee]

Melinda,

I have a mom just like that, She is not only rude but down right insulting and nasty to boot, I sware she could out cuss a drunken sailor LOL, I've learned to stop her and not just think of the conversations I should have given her but tell her out right, I might be wrong but at our ages we don't need them, they need us and as long as we let them control the conversation then they win. I just pack up and leave. I understand the once a month call to get it out of the way, I do that to. Ellen has told me that she thinks its comendable for me to have anything to do with her for the abuse she inflicted to her children. When my Dad died I had to "MAN" up and take the role even though I hated the idea it was still something I felt compelled to do, Before my Dad died I had no relationship with her, Not sure what Jesus has in store the closer she gets to assuming room temp, Jesus was and is a refuge from her and my family and to be honest I feel threatened by the thought that she might be in heaven with me but if the moment happens at the end of her life I will tell her about Christ, she has heard the stories but its odvious that she does not know him.


Tim