Book "Unmapped Darkness"

[Reg]

Finally got the time to type up my notes on this book our Senior Pastor - Dr. Tom Finch wrote. It sounds like I can talk to him about SA. I plan to discuss what I've written here with him.

As a result of his wife's death he wrote a book, "Unmapped Darkness: Finding God's Path Through Suffering".
http://www.christianbook.com/unmapped-darkness-finding-path-through-suffering/tom-finch/9780802467508/pd/67508?event=1010SBF|1198050|1010

Here is the link about Our New Pastor.
http://www.christianrecovery.com/vb/showthread.php?t=8761&highlight=leading+pastor&page=2

UNMAPPED DARKNESS - Dr. Tom Finch

Pg 15...fixated on physical suffering, spiritual or internal suffering has been a dominant issue from the
beginning of time. In fact, it seems that suffering on the spiritual level is the most painful & devastating
because it affects our view of physical suffering as well.

....not all pain has it’s roots in the sin of an individual.

Pg 17 When tragedy strikes, people experience a variety of emotions. In the newness of deep suffering, tears
can come quickly & irresistibly. But following the initial outpouring of emotion, a felling of numbness is
natural. This stage of confusing shock can last varying lengths of time. (For SA victims it can be even 10 years +). Heartfelt communication with friends or family or God may come to a standstill because of what had taken place.

Pg 18 Then there are God questions:

- How can a good God allow this to happen?
- Where is God?
-Does He even exist?
- Is He in control?
-What is He like?
-Can God help me?

(Let me add one more: How could He allow this minister/church leader abuse me in His name?)

Pg 19 My faith has been tested again & again as I wrestled with the hard questions. Sometimes there have been
fellow travelers with whom I could discuss my questions, but it is different for one who hasn’t walked this
path too effectively communicate with one who is on the journey.

Pg 24 No person can say to another, “Hey you’re really not suffering.” “You’ve got it made, compared to so
& so”. (Or something more familiar to me like, “Get Over It” “Move On”).
Minimizing or trying to explain away the painful experiences of others is contrary to any kind of genuine
caring or compassion & violates the integrity of that suffering.

Pg 26 When faced with rejection, there is a crisis within, a feeling of loss, & a degree of personal suffering....
Others have faced horrendous personal suffering because they have been victims of rape & various forms of
abuse. (With SA it is like a rape of our intellectual & emotional self. It is a spiritual form of a violation of our
deepest trust.) Self-worth (& our trust muscles) can be seriously harmed or even destroyed by these things.


3. Crisis of Personal Relationships

Relational pain is different from physical pain. A fractured arm can heal, but a shattered relationship has a
great impact on us for a long time....
A broken heart, shattered by betrayal, feels some of the deepest suffering & is not easily healed. (= ME!)

4. Crisis of Conflict

....As emotions become involved, the feelings become tense & antagonisms develop that can lead to bitterness.
Whether it is among religious people on their gatherings...(or church leaders) the wounds received in this type
of combat are deep & real. Slander campaigns & hidden agendas may develop to defeat a presumed adversary.
(What SA leaders do!) Where matters of principle are involved, antagonists will often go after personal
reputation in order silence the individual. (=Slander) Being a victim of character assassination or vicious
rumours & gossip can bring one to the brink of identity crisis & despair.

[This is what happens to an individual of SA., especially when their minister or church leader is the one
responsible for the slander. It is Spiritual Abuse!]

Pg 30... I could relate to them & minister to them. I could simple say with depth of feeling,
“I understand”.

Pg 35 Well meaning people often give feel-good answers to the hard questions of life... Such pat answers make
the inquirer think, “This person doesn’t really care or understand. The think they have to say something.”
Religious people especially feel they are expected to have answers, so they tend to offer pious sounding
contested cliches, which hold little value in the face of pain.
Suffering reduces one’s tolerance for superficiality.

Pg 36 Jesus linked hypocrisy with superficiality. When shallowness infects religion, the effects can be
devastating to those who suffer.....

Indeed, when our icons (or anything we cling to for security. E.I.. God represented by His ministers?) are
broken by reality - (like they are really not ministers of Jesus Christ) our security systems are fractured (Like
our broken trust muscles) We are plunged into an inward suffering that is in many ways inexplicable &
even if communicated, would be misunderstood by many.

[This is one of the major difficulties people who have suffered spiritual abuse have. Not being completely
understood. Most of the time they keep silent realizing they will be misunderstood.]

It is a continuous questioning & forming & re-forming of our beliefs - even the shattering of them - that our
understanding begins to contain substance rather than trite, pat answers.

Pg 113... At first there is the trauma due to the shock of the actual event or information that caused the
suffering. One who encounters suffering will at first be rather numb, anesthetized. To all that is going on
around him or her. Shock is a blessing, giving you a chance to absorb what is happening. Denial is sometimes a
part of shock. After awhile, anger might surface, as well as such things as inescapable fears, anxiety, extreme
loneliness & powerlessness. It is important at these times to acknowledge the reality of these feelings.

[This is one of the main things people who have suffered from SA have difficulty doing. They come from a
system that has taught them to deny their human emotions & feelings. They have been trained to believe it is
wrong to succumb to their weak feelings of emotion. Consequently, they have lost their identities & lived
clone-like pseudo lives]

Pg 116... War veterans who have experienced combat can experience flashbacks (PTSD or Triggers) when
loud noise or a certain image takes them back to the battlefield.

[PTSD is something a lot of SA survivors experience. Since the Bible itself was used as a tool to manipulate &
control them. Quoting scripture can cause triggers to go off. The Bible itself is held in suspicion. Many cannot
even real it again for years. Even prayers can be difficult. There are many things in a church environment that
can cause flashbacks for SA survivors. Many do not attend church services as a result.]

Pg 117... If a person is spiritually disabled, the influence & testimony of salvation & the resurrection life of
redemption through Christ diminishes.

[In the early stages of recovery, it can be years, this is the condition of SA survivors. It may take several years
to recover to the point of using their experiences in a positive way. Once a deep spiritual trust has been broken
on several fronts, it takes a long time for that trust to be regained.]

Pg 118... Openness frees people to share their sufferings & leads to catharsis. Sufferers, then, become wounded
healers who share the grace of God.

[riverdove]

Very insightful commentaries--good job with the encapsulating of all the different dynamics involved in emotional/psychological and spiritual being of the SA sufferers.

"It is important at these times to acknowledge the reality of these feelings."

Having walked on egg shells all my life due to my own family brought up, I have not learned the skills of truly communicating my real feelings and therefore my real hurts have been brushed under the carpet for years ... The SA groups did not teach healthy communications and perpetuate the codependent/dysfunctional behaviors, making things worse ... One should never understimate the amount of shame, secrecy and internal turmoil that are all involved when the "truth" of oneself cannot be spoken and revealed in a safe and nurturing setting .. We are all spiritual beings and feelings are to be a great part of expressing who we are inwardly ... These feelings are to be shared for any relationship to grow into a deeper level of understanding.

"We are plunged into an inward suffering that is in many ways inexplicable & even if communicated, would be misunderstood by many."

For fear of being misunderstood and thereby inflicting more pain from the sharing, it is true that I have stuffed the feelings away rather than share it because the risk of being ridiculed will be far worse and will bring even a greater pain .. The more I've withdrawn, the more I find myself being cut off from being understood ... and that is why it is slowing down the process of recovery for me in coming to a healthier level acceptance of the situation and of myself in those experiences.

"Pg 24 No person can say to another, “Hey you’re really not suffering.” “You’ve got it made, compared to so
& so”. (Or something more familiar to me like, “Get Over It” “Move On”). Minimizing or trying to explain away the painful experiences of others is contrary to any kind of genuine
caring or compassion & violates the integrity of that suffering."

I've been told time and time again by those around me to "Get Over It" and "Move On." Because of their ignorance and insensitivity ... I have clamped up and thus causing more misunderstanding in the relationship. I do feel like regardless of the nature of one's suffering, the phrase "Get Over It" and "Move On" should never at all be uttered to anyone in great pain .... One of my close relatives has told me that many times and it made me feel very cut off from her.

I certainly hope you'll be able to discuss what you wrote here with your pastor with regards to how this relates to spiritual/religious abuse. It looks like he's a person who is ready to take on this aspect of suffering. Even if he doesn't really entirely understand it, he might be able to see the corelations in the face of his own deep suffering as a result of the loss of a loved one. That said, I do hope and pray that he will begin to investigate what spiritual abuse is all about and what it can do to a person's entire emotional/psychological and spiritual psyche which is exactly what a pastor ought to be aware if there is to be any hope for reaching out to the so many who have been "drown" and "lost" in the deep seas of these toxic religious escapades.

Great job, Reg, ... keep working on it and let us know how it goes with your pastor.

[Reg]

Thanks Riverdove,

We had a special service last night called "BODY LIFE SERVICE".

Pastor Tom started out quoting 1Cor 12:12-27.

There were three microphone set up for people to talk from.

He said he wanted to hear from us what God has been doing in our lives. If there was any praise, encouragement or other good thing we wanted to share to let the rest of us know. I truly believe he wanted to be in touch with our lives and how the Holy Spirit is working with us.

It was a little daunting at first and slow at the beginning, but gradually one by one people shared what was happening in their lives in a positive way. Two talked about some difficult things they had to deal with and how God delivered them. It got to be very inspiring. I got up and told them how much I had healed in this church and how one person, I believe God brought across my path, helped restore my trust in church leaders. She was like an angel sent from God to me.

(She was the Senior Pastor's wife at the time and leader of the Evangelism Team that she asked me if I wanted to join it and be a member. I found that amazing considering I was a relatively new and not even a member of the church. I came to know her character. It took me awhile. I was still cautious and waited for the cracks to appear. They didn't. She was the real deal. She really cared about us and was always careful to hear us and how we felt. She respected our thoughts and feelings. She was so easy to talk to. When she asked any of us if we would help with this or that, you just wanted to say yes. Not from compulsion or any manipulation. We trusted that she had our best interest's at heart.)

I then mentioned I came from a legalistic, controlling, dysfunctional church leaving it after 29 years. It affected me deeply and how difficult it was for me to TRUST. Once burned, twice shy.

(Last year I mentioned to Pastor Tom how it affected me to the point were I didn't trust church leaders. He didn't take offense with that. He simply said that was too bad and prayed for me to be healed and to learn to trust again so that I would be able to minister effectively.)

I said that I believed this was a very healthy church and if I thought it wasn't, I wouldn't be here. I also mentioned I thought Pastor Tom was someone we could trust.

After the service, he and his wife greeted each one of us as we left the sanctuary. I had a brief chat with his wife about how many people had left the church and now were unchurched. I think she understood. I then talked with Pastor Tom about how I have a heart for people who were hurt like I was. I said I read his book and made some comments about what he wrote. I mentioned I have been posting online at the NACR for the last 7 years and several people have commented how helpful some of the things I posted have been. I said I would type up my comments and give them to him next Sunday. He seemed to be very glad and said we need to talk. I said after he reads what I said that we should set up a time to talk.

So it's going to be something new for me to step out like this and learn to trust a church leader again. I think God is in this but only time will tell. Please pray it is God's will and Pastor Tom is also the real deal.

[Malinda]

Wow, Reg! Let us all know how it goes. I know I'm not ready yet to help others in the journey of self recovery but I know that down the road I would love to do a support group for people just like us. Who have been mortally wounded by the church but miraculously are still alive and kicking.
It really seems that in my area there are so many unhealthy churches. There are so many floating christians in my area. I meet so many people and they all have the same story, "I'm looking for a church and I just can't seem to find one that fits." The reasons are that so many churches in the area have leadership issues.
I know that at my SA church we'd see about 100 visitors before one stuck around and then it was usually for only about 3 months.
I just think it's great that you'll be helping more people than just us because I know you've been a great help and encouragement to me. Thanks and keep it up.
Malinda

[Reg]

Thanks for your kind words Malinda.

Wow, Reg! Let us all know how it goes.

Will do.

[Reg]

I gave him my notes March 27. Because of his busy schedule before Easter, he said he would get back to me sometime after. Look forward to having a FTF and hear what he thinks.

[riverdove]

Hi Reg,

I appreciate your updating us and following up with the matter with your pastor. It sounds to me like your pastor is an open person who is willing to listen. Just hope that all goes well when he receives your notes. I'm glad you keep working at communicating your burden. History is filled with people who were not afraid to pursue something worth while the course. If Rosa Park hadn't stood up for what she believed was an injustice, today people would have different seating arrangements in the bus due to their ethnicity. What you're doing right now may seem like a drop of water in a big ocean, but we will never know. The internet in recent years has been filled with more and more postings and websites on spiritual abuse. I really hope that the people who organize institutionalized churches will open up their eyes and ears and most importantly their hearts to tune in to the people who have been hurt by religious abuse and are having a great difficulty joining the church again.

I've been visiting quite a few churches and week after week, I observe the same thing happening--the preacher calling out to people to join the church ... Some would say they will make things easier for people to go back to church again and they would only go as far as saying things like dress any way you want to church etc ....., but this is missing the point .... Then, there are a couple of churches which would actually preach a sermon down to lecture those who have been hurt by the church and left. The preachers would often attribute the reason "these people" left was due to their bitterness and inability to forgive others who offended them. To me, this is a gross misinterpretation and an outright short sightedness of what church legalism/spiritual abuse is all about because I think the reason why people aren't taking the bait again is because of the fear of the unknown .... whether they will be victimized or traumatized and be subjected to "false authority," or "spiritual abuse" beating down on them all over again .... Unless the churches learn that religious authority and Scriptures can become a weapon that can kill the spirit and soul of a person instead of offering them as a healing balm ..... there's no way they will understand what spiritual abuse really means .... The way they simplify matters just goes on to remind me that they just don't want to have to deal with the issues at hand because in dealing with it genuinely, they would have to take apart their "pride" factors of being the strong handed leaders ... and it will also involve removing the control factor from them. They aren't quite ready to lay down their "weapons" yet. When Jesus spoke to the crowd who were going to stone the woman caught in the sin of adultery, He said anyone who had no sin could throw the first stone .... they all dropped their stones and walked away. Today, there are some leaders who are still holding on to some stones in their hands. Perhaps when they start to drop the stones from their clenched fist, more wounded people would be willing to walk closer to them ... then healing can take place and we can see an exodus of all those lost and wounded sheep making their way back to the church again.

Then again, I know that many people who have been spiritually abused may also have carried over some baggage from their dysfunctional family background. I speak that for myself. I do not want to place all the blames on the church leadership, but I've come to realize that if a church is healthy one, the symptoms and hurts from family dysfunction can be healed through time as people will learn to walk more in grace and emulate the healthy behaviors of their leaders and not be conformed to the ways of the world to "perform" to earn their love and acceptance. I cannot help but ask the chicken or the egg question here. Does the dysfunction start from having a dysfunctional church leadership first which then perpetuates into the people with dysfunctional background? So, which order comes first? I tend to personally think that the one holding the leadership and power to teach has more power to influence the church and the congregants. Perhaps, there should be another thread started on this later?

It is also very sad for me to note that many churches will have all sorts of support groups and even one for those "in between jobs," but yet they will grossly ignore those people who are "in between churches." Many churches just don't get it ........, but then there are those who are closer at understanding the issues than others. So, whatever you're doing right now, you have my full support. It is an encouragement to me that there are people like yourself who care ..... Thanks again.