Davine appointment

[kodee]

I went out for an errand and decided to have a bite to eat at Applebee's, After sitting down someone slapped me on the back and sat in front of me, it was my Ex pastors #1 Elder and one of the ones that abused me, He asked how I was doing? At first I didn't want a confrontation but he kept asking me so..... I gave it to him without a skipped word for over 30 minutes, I recalled experiences and repeated the crap he and the pastor told me verbatium, I also told him about what was going on in my marriage. He said he didn't remember a thing about what I told him but he could see that I was serious and was factual in the details, after I finaly took a breath he appologised.... Go figure! never thought I would have gotten that out of him, well I guess I could see him doing it but also told him that I never expect "That self righteous son of a *****" to ever admitt fault. Sorry for my frankness, I'm relaying it as it happened. He told me that I have to let it go, Who is he to say that? I told him that it is easier said then done. I told him that I begged for him and the pastor to help me in my marriage and all they did was give her more ammunition to use agenst me. I was pissed by the time he went back to his family, we exchanged cell numbers and at some point I will have anouther shot at him, well that is how I see it anyway. I finished my meal and got out of there, went home and have kept my mind busy working on my rifles, didn't even realize it's after 1:00am, I still feel like I'm full of adrenelan, I'm wide awake and need to vent.... I leave on vacation tomorrow morning and will be away for a week. i'm going to Orcas Island with Bruce my best friend. No TV or radio, nothing but steaks beer and a hot tub!!! well I should go try to get to sleep. night

[Reg]

Have a good trip Kodee.

What I've discovered over the years about guys like this is that they themselves have almost unknowing become a part of the system and have been conned/abused by the system themselves. They don't realize the damage they have done.

At least he apologized. Maybe there's hope for him.

[riverdove]

Yep, have a enjoyable time there, Kodee. Orcas Island sounds interesting. They say in recovery, focus on you and taking care of you first. Fun travels can bring back lots of good memories ... and they're good for your emotional health. My family and I did a lot of fun things together ... I've lost a lot of friends and relatives, but it's not the end of the world .. I have learned to accept and treasure what i have now. It may not be a lot, but it's a peaceful existence. It's really nice to have a best friend to share your traveling experience with you.

[Ellen]

This is exactly the kind of conversation I dream of having with my pastor . . . relating every detail and how damaging it has been and how it continues to haunt me. What an opportunity for you, Kodee! I envy you!

[Hope 98]

This is exactly the kind of conversation I dream of having with my pastor . . . relating every detail and how damaging it has been and how it continues to haunt me. What an opportunity for you, Kodee! I envy you!

My experience has been that too many people respond to the highlighted part with "you have to forgive and move on", as if you could snap your fingers and be done with it.

Healing requires more than forgiving, and it takes time. It helps to understand what happened, and we need to share it to work through it. I think that's how we end up here and why it helps. :)

[kodee]

Well I got back from Orcas today, I was going nuts not having anything to do, I did read Ted Nugent's God, Guns and rock and roll, It was dated from the clinton adm. but a good read and he has a way of making me laugh. All in all it was a great time, I went with my best friend Bruce, he is struggling with Depression like myself and had some questions. I advised him to see a Psych. Doctor for his meds instead of his M.D., He was curious about what defines suicidal thoughts, since I was diagnosed as cronicly suicidal I had a good insite for him. We ate like kings and drank our share of adult beverages. Overall had a good time but am really ready for work tomorrow.
As for my conversation with Jody the other night, He did say I needed to "Let that go" but I shot back that its not that easy, I still hold alot of venum for all that bunch. We did exchange phone numbers so I'll wait to see if he bothers to call. I do hope that it does get back to the pastor who is his best friend. Not that i'm expecting miricles from him, I stopped believing in miricles long ago at least about them. Well its late and I have to finish the laundry before bed. night

[Honeybee12]

Kodee,

Forgiveness is SO hard!!! I totally get that. I can't do it myself at ALL.

The only way I've ever been able to really let the offense go is asking God for His power to forgive.

I just don't think we can do it on our own. I've had to say to Him plenty of times, I don't want to forgive this or that person and I'm really angry and want revenge! Please give me the desire to want to forgive. Help me to forgive Lord because I can't do it on my own.

And that was the start for me. However, I do return to bitterness here and there and have to go back to the drawing board and sometimes start all over.

I don't know if it can be a one-time process? Maybe in some situations. All I know is that if I've forgiven someone and one of their offenses or poisonous words pops into my head, I try not to entertain it and say, I've let this go and I won't let the bitterness grow.

Be well today Kodee! :)

[kodee]

I don't believe in bandade forgiveness, It is just not that easy. I know that since it had been eating at me for some time that I needed to vent and I'm glad it was him. They messed with the one thing that ment the most to me, my relationship with Christ,
Comming back from vacation I knew I was comming back into conflict, I was right, It was not 30 minutes before my boss jumped down my neck taking out all his frustrations on me, I was just the one that he was closest to, I got done all he asked and offered to stay late, I guess my offering appeased him enough for him to leave me alone for the rest of the day. I had something happen today, I decided to sell one of my rifles for some extra cash, I found a gun shop that was interested and the offer they gave me was insulting, I guess I should not take it personaly but I know its worth more, also I got kicked out of the local range for "Breaking the rules" and found out today that I'm still after a year and a half still the talk of the range. I ended up joining a range in Oregon that is by far better for me, it teaches classes and has a regular matches I shoot in. It just still biggs me that I'm being talked about. I came home tonight and have been struggling with self distructive thoughts. I'm here on the computer trying to distract myself. I'm doing all the stuff I have been taught to comfort myself. Not working, I so need something in my life to change, I told Bruce that there are times that all that keeps me from harming myself is that I don't know how I could make him understand why. I'm a real mess right now, mabye as I get threw the week I'll reajust and get back into the rut. I almost wish I had not gone on vacation, not only did I loose several hundred dollars on overtime but also seems like when I come back to work I get pounced on. Think I need some range time