Emasculation

[kodee]

This is nothing new for me, I have struggled for years as a result of what my EX has done to me, Ellen has been talking to me that it is not all bad, Like I can relate to women in a way that I couldn't before. I guess that is good, I'm really struggling tonight, I just don't feel the things that a normal guy should. I take Testerone shots once a week and that helps but I just can't make myself feel masculine. I do guy stuff like shooting and fishing but Its like i'm dead inside. The church we attended at the time even helped her by giving her more weapons to use agenst me. Mostly this has to do with my labedo. I had to take that weapon she used agenst me away, she used Sex as a carrott to use and minipulate me, She also used it to punish me. I was never allowed to enjoy it, just her. I keep thinking it was my fault, I did something to deserve it, But I was a good husband, I was a good provider. I just got tired of getting hit and hurt. I sliced tonight, took a chunk out of one of my toes. Need to go soak in the tub, making a mess here at the computer.
I keep trying to put something possitive in front of me to look forward to, I'm taking a week off and going with Bruce my friend to Orcas Island next weekend, I'm running out of possitive things to look forward to, I just don't feel as excited as I did about my guns, Things that were important to me just a few months ago don't matter any more. Please pray for me, I need Jesus to intervene.

[Honeybee12]

You were made a man, and anyone who made you feel less of a man will have to deal with their maker in His time. (I wouldn't want to be in their shoes) I'm sorry this happened, and perhaps it's not guns or fishing that will do it. Maybe God will do something different in you that you never even thought of that will restore your masculinity or how you feel about your masculinity?

I know I've struggled with feeling feminine at times.. I'm fairly tall, and it's not easy to feel petite and pretty when you feel like you're built like a line-backer.

Rest easy today and just know you don't have to have it all figured out right now. God will restore you. God is restoring you.

[kodee]

Thanks Honeybee,

I have been accused of being Gay since I was in Jr high School, My Dad thought I was Gay beause I wasn't having sex with every girl I met, Granted I have done things that even my best friend thought I was. All the stuff I have done in my life is text book normal for a man who has been abused. Ellen has told me that she think's i'm sexualy confused and my marriage did not helped me. every encounter has been bad. She is helping me see that it is possible for me to have a lonving tender relationship with someone. It just feels so strange not having the urges and thought that most men struggle with. It is so much easier to have to keep my mind in check then not having the thoughts in the first place. With taking Testerone it does make me feel more aggressive and does help but I still feel numb inside. Took a bunch of meds last night, needed to sleep or I would have hurt myself more. I'm limping around today. Tomorrow i'll really be feeling it, but it does feel better then feeling nothing.

[chrismed]

Hi Kodee,
This is my first post here. Just wanted you to know I read your thread and am hoping for healing for you. I've been on a healing journey a long time and sometimes it's really hard. Do you know, is there an "introduction" thread here where new people introduce themselves? Looking forward to getting to know you more.

Chris

[kodee]

Hi Chris,

I kinda a new member here to, I just dove right in and started posting. Welcome... My journey started in 2005 and has had alot of challenges, seem to be going threw one right now. Honeybee was right, they will have to stand accountible to Christ for what they have done. There is a part of me that wants to see justice now but don't think i'll see it in this life time.


Tim

[chrismed]

Thanks for replying Kodee. Blessings in your journey, and I hope the steps you are taking toward healing bring better days for you really soon.