Happy Valentine's Day

[Honeybee12]

Hi All.. not too much going on in the forum lately...

I hope everyone is well today, even if they don't have a valentine. I think me and my guy broke up today. Happy V-Day. It's a long list of differences that neither of us will be able to agree on. It's sad, but feels kind of good to look forward to getting back on track and not feel the shame and guilt of being with someone who isn't pursuing God like I am. I started to feel really bad and needed justification all the time. I think it almost became like an addiction. I was starting to grow concerned that it may have become unhealthy and that I would really steer away from God..

I asked for God to help me with an 'out' today, and was given an opportunity that seemed to fall into my lap. Suffice to say, it's going to hurt for a while, but I know I'm going to feel better sooner with God's help.

Now, on to the old church. Still have that nagging feeling like I need closure or something. I've been thinking about a disagreement I had with someone in my current church. I was convinced she was really awful and I wanted other people to think the same thing. After some prayer, I actually came to the point where I needed to apologize for some things... and after that, we became good friends. I feel like she is my sister.. and I never thought that would happen. She's an amazing woman.

This being said, I wonder if I feel the same way towards my old church.. that they're 'awful' and I want others to feel the same way. I know I've tried to convince others that it's a terrible place and no one should go there. But I've never actually resolved anything with anyone there. I just left without smoothing anything over... I certainly wasn't emotionally equipped to face anyone at the time when I left.. I wouldn't have known how to handle that kind of communication.. but I wonder if this feeling of having a guilty conscience is merely a result from the imprint of shame-based faith and works, or if it's God wanting me to make amends and be free. I think I'm going to continue to pray on it and wait to mend from this current heartache.. I will seek the counsel of my current pastor. He's mentioned he would come with me to the old church. Which is so kind. He's also heard some pretty negative things about the church too.. it kind of has a reputation. I don't care about tearing them down, I just want to be free.. but am willing to pray on it more.

I could use your prayers.

I'm so glad to have this place to share. You're all an inspiration.

[kodee]

This is just my take, You know thier theology is flawed and I have learned that when people are set in thier beliefs that will not bend. I think Closure is a mith and you owe them nothing. I have questioned myself at times and God has sent someone to reassure me that I had it right. Seems like if your pastor has heard the same thing that it should reassure you that your in the good and right path. I'm on the right path now and it does not matter what others think I should do, I have to follow christ and sometimes it takes me to places that are not poppular or pleasent but I still have to obay and follow.
Sorry to hear about your recient relationship, there has to be someone that loves Christ and would be right for you. Keep your head up and stay the course. AND DO HAVE A HAPPY VALINTINES DAY

[Hope 98]

Honeybee,

I went through a struggle with my family because I had a very difficult time with my mom. I sought the support of my siblings, and was accused of just trying to get everyone on my side. They really believed that I just wanted everyone to agree with me that my mom was just awful.

It's years down the road now, and I KNOW that was never the case. The truth is that I love my family and I don't understand why they behave the way they do. My mom was especially hard on me when I was vulnerable and I still don't fully understand why. But that's what I was trying to do when I talked to other people - trying to understand why she was behaving that way. That and hoping someone would just offer me a little comfort because it really hurt.

Thing is - the issue was never really resolved with them. I don't expect that it ever will be. THEY don't have it in them to work through it. I think that with a lot of time, I've learned to accept that is just how it is.

An abusive church doesn't want to face it's own weaknesses. It can't acknowledge the possibility it has done anything wrong. That makes it impossible to come to any resolution. The only closure that most of us have ever been able to come to is when we start believing that we are actually sane and reasonable human beings, and we saw the problem in a setting where that was just not allowed.

I am impressed with your ability to acknowledge your issue with the woman that is now a good friend. You are blessed to have had that experience with a good person. Her willingness to resolve the situation is crucial part of the success of your relationship - no less than YOUR WILLINGNESS to resolve the situation.

That willingness is what makes people and organizations safe and healthy, and lack of that willingness is what makes a person or church abusive.

[Honeybee12]

Thanks Kodee. I've had confirmations from people at my current church who have said many times that I have gifts that can be used to help others in the church body. Something that was never said to me in the SA system. Sometimes I think I need to be hit over the head before it actually sinks in that I'm allowed to be where I am, and that God is okay with it.

Hope, thanks so much for the encouragement. I woke up really early this morning and something came to mind.. I remembered that many long standing members from the SA church left... people that had been there since the beginning. I almost forgot about it.. and that says something. From the first time I was there I felt creepy, and that something was really off.. The church I go to know breathes easy and doesn't feel like there are iron bars confining anyone. It's a 'come as you are and come as you please' kind of place.

Time to start getting back into community.

Why are people with a history of abuse.. from family, friends, significant others.. so blind to it sometimes? Why am I always wanting to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt? I need some serious discernment and wisdom sometimes.

[Jerry]

Why are people with a history of abuse.. from family, friends, significant others.. so blind to it sometimes? Why am I always wanting to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt? I need some serious discernment and wisdom sometimes.

Dear Honeybee,,,
I think it is because abuse feels "Normal" to us and not until or unless it intensifys does it register with us as "Abuse" ....If that makes sense ???

Love Jerry

[Malinda]

I do understand your need and want for closure...your own thought reflect my own of late. I too wish I could just be free. I feel guilty for wanting that ministry to fail and I want others to know how awful this ministry is. Even this past Sunday I was confronted with a lady asking me about my SA church because friends of hers just started going there. I had to tell her in complete honesty to tell her friends to have nothing to do with that church.
The Lord keeps reminding me that people do change but only by His mighty working power. They have to allow themselves to be transformed. Our SA church leaders may never allow God to work in their lives and allow themselves to be humbled. God will always be at arms length for them.
I see a lot of that in the body of Christ, our pride keeping us at arms length and us never being truly transformed to become more like Him. Instead it's like looking through warped glass to see God in us.
But what I also see a lot of in the body of Christ, is others not accepting or allowing God's mighty transforming power to work in others lives. It's like we can change but they aren't allowed. People always measure us by who we "used" to be.
What God has been speaking to me about it, in reference to closure, is let me change them, and you allow it also.
I have to have faith that God can change the most decrepit of man's heart because He changed mine. So why can't God change them also? Ten years from now, after much heartache and humbling experiences I'm sure, they could have a thriving healthy ministry, if they allow God to transform their prideful hearts.
It's just hard extending them the hand of grace when they didn't extend it to me.
I probably won't ever talk to them again or even confront them with the wrongs they've done to me but in order for me to have closure I know I have to eventually extend the hand of grace, and allow them the chance to change. In giving that freedom to them it empowers me with the same freedom. I can change.