Just need to vent and share

[abbey]

Hi everyone: Ive been battiling alot lately. Some of you know that I have an iLLness. Ive just been diagnoised with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had prayed to God about 4 months ago, to help me, for I feared that I would end up the 'Crazy-aunt-in-the-attic." Ive struggled for years with emotions and behaviours that I couldnt pinpont. They said bipolar, major depression, Add etc. I knew the bipolar was wrong. My cult said whatever I had could be "cast out." *rolls eyes* Not that I dismiss a possible opression. But, theres so much more to. I came from a horrribly dysfunctional family. I in turn coped the best way I knew, thru drugs, escapism etc. I believe they finally got "It" Im certain they got it. Im a BP.

This I believe was an answer to that pray. I hope!

Borderlines have severe abandonment issues. Even the slightest rejection can send us down the path of anger, self-pity, self-medication and so forth. I recently met a fine Christian man. This was something I prayed on to, cuz lonliness is difficult. As this relationship developed, my behaviors of clinginess and obsession surfaced. No matter how hard I tryed, I couldnt stop the impusive emailing, calling etc.I opened up WAY too much. I figured get the "dirty" stuff out in the open. See if he can handle it. He said he could. Always assuring me he could. Was this from God? My 10 years of aloneness coming to an end? NOPE! NADDA. NOPE again.

He started to drift away. Not calling. Not coming by. No emails. I asked him, "whats the deal?" "Im busy" He suddenly became too busy for me. Well, boy did I get whacko! I had my hopes in this. I knew that I really wasnt capable of a relationship, but feeling pathetically alone, I figured, "with God all things are possible" Not in this case.

I was just diagnoised 4 months ago, and its enlightening and frightening. I AM attending a class specifically to deal with this most difficult to treat affliction. Its a year long and has a 24 hour hotline. We tend to self-harm, suicidal gestures/actions. I do sometimes feel suicidal, I wont lie. But Ive never mutilated myself or attempted suicide. But the other things, are right on target! Roamtic relationships are disaters. (ive not been in one for 20 years!) Black and white thinking. Depression/anx. Impustivity. (too many emails to this guy) Self-sabatoge. Drug/food/sex/shopping binges. AT least Im becoming clearer now. AT least Im understanding WHY i am the way I am. This is perhaps God.

We tend to screw everything up purposely, yet not consiously. Ive lost everything that meant anything to me. Including my salvation. I figure God understood that when something good comes along for me, I screw it up! But it appears as tho he doesnt. My friend said, "God understands your disorder." From my experience, He does not. For my impusivity created sin in which I was chastised.

BP struggle with close Intimacy. I figure we feel we dont deserve it. SO WHEN God came along to save me, I didnt receive as any normal person should. I blew it. My relationship with God is rocky. We fight! We wrestle. Im telling him how to run the universe. Its not GOOD! Obviously, this was compounded and magnifed by SA. The telling me I was basically a pile of crap in Gods eyes. I had sinned, been disobidient, and as I quote the first thing from my cult leaders mouth that fateful day, "No one deserves to go to Heaven, we should all be in Hell, We are worms, crap, garbage"

Im deeply hurting right now that a Christian man, whom I adored, SPLIT. I was WAAYYY to open and he saw red flags. But am I not good? NO! Am I a mean, evil son-of -a gun. NO! Im just a hurting, wounded, struggling human being, just trying to find a bit of happiness on this green Earth. Its eluded me for so long. YES! I tryed to explain this to Mr. Wonderful, only to make a fool of myself even more.

Im in pain again. But I realize that I need help, am willing to strive for a better way. Its still hard for me to be intimate w God. One side wants and needs Him with all my being, another side wishes he was a bit nicer than some of the scriptures portray him.

Im not sure what Im looking for here? Prayer, Guidance, acceptance. Im tired of people not acepting me for me. Including God.

Anything will help! Pray, advice, just anything.

A pretty bummed ot Abbey

[Hope 98]

Hi Abbey

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through. Borderline - for all I know about it - is tough to treat.

I don't believe you've lost your salvation - you keep turning back to God. You keep trying to find the real God through all the bullshit that religious groups have put in your way. That's admirable!

I pray that you find a way through this. I pray you find good relationships that help.

[Malinda]

what I understand about God, he doesn't give up so easily. He after all sent his son to die for all our sins.
Abbey, sin isn't the problem anymore. Those were all taken care of by the cross. I won't quote scripture cause I know that causes issues for you....but we used to have these filthy, tattered robes that was called sin. When we accepted Christ, we traded our robe for his. His was righteousness, which is right standing with God. So when God sees you, you look just like his son. Only true kids get the cool robes so He will always recognise you as one of his own. Just always remember that sin, you gave to Jesus, and in it's place you've got this beautiful, golden robe that allows you access to God.

[abbey]

THX hope and Malinda: Your encoragement and prayers are appreciated. If no one wouldve answered I woulda felt rejected (LOL)...get it? BPD = rejection = bad behviour. *joke*

Anyhow, Im led to believe that God hasnt given up on me nor have I given up on him. We simply have to come to some common ground. A place of, "Okay I accept you as you are, God." And for Him to just show me what way he wants me to go. I will follow! My way does not work.

Im really in deep pain over this man and his rejection. But he needs a healthy person. Not an albotross. I really do have alot to offer someone, just not at this time. I wish he'd realize this and wait for my improvement, but It appears too much water is under that bridge. I read A book (christian) about taking chances, yet knew I cant take any right now. I did it anyway. See how the BP mind works. We set ourselves up for hurt.

SO to now KNOW whats wrong is good. But ive only 3 sessions in on a year long program. Some of the techniques are based in Budduism. This is a concern, but Ive no alternative. In fact, the year long program is -NOT_ available just anywhere. I moved to a place that has it. Anyone got an opinion of the Buddist aspect. I told the therapist that its against my religion. Its a technique called "MIndfullness" In which one focuses on one thought. Like if we want to email a dude, we instead, STOP, sit quiet and concentrate on our breathing. Just trying to clam down and not act impusive.

Any opinions on that. I said Im not doing it cuz I could get into an altered state. She assured me, you cannot. Its a relaxation/focus technique.

Thanks ladies :)

[Malinda]

I don't think it's bad. I do the same thing...except my conscious thought is "God what would you have me do?" I often act impulsively and it's always self driven, to fulfil a need that I perceive, not always in the best interest of the person.
Have you ever wondered where some of these religious mindsets came from? Everything has it's origination in God. This may sound weird, but all religions are just a distortion, by the enemy, of God's perfect plan. Why do you think so many are sucked into false religions? There's just enough truth to make us believe.
It's good you're being careful. Ask questions....and keep asking.
Just change the technique to suit you. Use it to stop for a moment and pray instead of meditate. Prayer is not anything complicated but just a dialogue; A pause to acknowledge God, and to ask him a question is prayer. Just direct your own internal dialogue to Him instead.

[Honeybee12]

Abbey,

How cool is it that you're aware of what you're dealing with and that you're seeking help?!?! You're awesome for sharing and being so honest. Your posts are always refreshingly real.

I think it's so cool that now you're able to pinpoint certain things about yourself when it comes to relationships. Think about how far you've come! God has been showing me some things about how I react in relationships with my depression etc. and I need to remember where I was a year ago compared to now, and I'm so thankful. It's been a tough journey.. but also, think about how many people are reading this who could be ministered to by your words?

God TOTALLY knows what you're up against and I believe in my heart has nothing but a big smile and a warm heart of mercy towards you Abbey, Daughter of Heaven.

Honeybee12

[abbey]

I don't think it's bad. I do the same thing...except my conscious thought is "God what would you have me do?" I often act impulsively and it's always self driven, to fulfil a need that I perceive, not always in the best interest of the person.
Have you ever wondered where some of these religious mindsets came from? Everything has it's origination in God. This may sound weird, but all religions are just a distortion, by the enemy, of God's perfect plan. Why do you think so many are sucked into false religions? There's just enough truth to make us believe.
It's good you're being careful. Ask questions....and keep asking.
Just change the technique to suit you. Use it to stop for a moment and pray instead of meditate. Prayer is not anything complicated but just a dialogue; A pause to acknowledge God, and to ask him a question is prayer. Just direct your own internal dialogue to Him instead.

"Change the technique to suit you...." Brilliant Malinda! See the enemy used secular therapy to harm me, so Im very very very cautious about new- fangled therapies, techniques, theories. Of course the enemy has used Christians to harm me too. LOL....so I give in, prayerfully to this idea.

Thx so much! I love this forum. :)

[abbey]

Abbey,

How cool is it that you're aware of what you're dealing with and that you're seeking help?!?! You're awesome for sharing and being so honest. Your posts are always refreshingly real.

I think it's so cool that now you're able to pinpoint certain things about yourself when it comes to relationships. Think about how far you've come! God has been showing me some things about how I react in relationships with my depression etc. and I need to remember where I was a year ago compared to now, and I'm so thankful. It's been a tough journey.. but also, think about how many people are reading this who could be ministered to by your words?

God TOTALLY knows what you're up against and I believe in my heart has nothing but a big smile and a warm heart of mercy towards you Abbey, Daughter of Heaven.

Honeybee12

*weep* Honeybee. That put a smile on my face. :) But how can I get help, support from you lovely people if im not brutally honest? I cant say, "Oh, im doing okay and the SA is all behind me and Im skipping down the street eating cotton candy?" lol

Youve inspired me with your obsrvation of where you were one year ago and where your at now. Gives me hope sister!

And another cool thing. Me and that guy had a long talk, and he accepts me and we are continuing, slowly forward. Perhaps God does have a Heart for Abbey? Unlike the cult claimed. Bums! Thanks friend. Alls well that ends well.

PS

How cool would it be that my honest open some-what embarassing posts can minister to a lurker? Way cool! Never even thought of that! And after searching my whole life for whats wrong with me and finally finding OUT? Priceless!

This forum is the BEST place on the net! Take it from me! Youve guyz have been there every step. Love to all.

[Malinda]

How cool would it be that my honest open some-what embarassing posts can minister to a lurker? Way cool! Never even thought of that! And after searching my whole life for whats wrong with me and finally finding OUT? Priceless!

That just made me laugh...in my SA church they used to preach that sick and damaged people can't be effective ministers of the gospel. They said you needed to be the proof of God's goodness in every area of your life.
What I've learned is that as long as you are transparent, humble and open to God, he'll use you where ever and whenever he can. Those are His favorite people to use. You don't have to have things all together for God to use you. You only have to be willing to be used.

[Hope 98]

That just made me laugh...in my SA church they used to preach that sick and damaged people can't be effective ministers of the gospel. They said you needed to be the proof of God's goodness in every area of your life.
What I've learned is that as long as you are transparent, humble and open to God, he'll use you where ever and whenever he can. Those are His favorite people to use. You don't have to have things all together for God to use you. You only have to be willing to be used.

I am certain that God reaches through sick and damaged people, and that they are likely to be most effective in ministry.

I've noticed that discipleship tends to focus on us becoming less sinful, where I've wondered if God really wants us to become more compassionate. He made us human, and maybe there are ways we are meant to always be human, instead of working to be more like God.

[Reg]

*weep* Honeybee. That put a smile on my face. :) But how can I get help, support from you lovely people if im not brutally honest? I cant say, "Oh, im doing okay and the SA is all behind me and Im skipping down the street eating cotton candy?" lol

Youve inspired me with your obsrvation of where you were one year ago and where your at now. Gives me hope sister!

And another cool thing. Me and that guy had a long talk, and he accepts me and we are continuing, slowly forward. Perhaps God does have a Heart for Abbey? Unlike the cult claimed. Bums! Thanks friend. Alls well that ends well.

PS

How cool would it be that my honest open some-what embarassing posts can minister to a lurker? Way cool! Never even thought of that! And after searching my whole life for whats wrong with me and finally finding OUT? Priceless!

This forum is the BEST place on the net! Take it from me! Youve guyz have been there every step. Love to all.
Just back from Florida Abbey and am glad to see your progress.

Yes, Honesty is the best policy. It will set you free. It takes a lot of bravery to face the truth about ourselves and talk about it candidly. Agree with Honeybee12 where she says, "You're awesome for sharing and being so honest. Your posts are always refreshingly real."

Just remember, we're all on a journey. Sometimes the road gets hard and bumpy. Sounds like your heading for a smooth highway soon. Just look for the blue sky and fluffy clouds. They're there.

[hornblower]

Abbey I have been diagnosed with bpd for years. I do have suicidal thoughts a lot. What you are describing a lot of it fits me to a T. I too am struggling a whole lot. Looks like we bot do the same things. Open up too much trust too much then the other person runs as fast as their little legs will carry them. I know you posted this a while back but I hope you respond to my post soon, even if its just a small note or something. I am very depressed right now. Ive recently quit my job as I could not stand the pressures any longer. People hurting me so much. My husband attacked me this afternoon verbally of course but you know to me it felt like another kick in the gut.

I can understand the people that we try to be close too and how they must feel towards us, although for me anyway I dont think I can forgive them, not really. I pray it and I may say it but inside I blanme God often for their behaviors and I hate them because I feel so unloved. Its as if there is no love anywhere thats how I feel. Often I feel like Im screaming inside out to an empty hollow world where people live and walk around but never even look at me and if they finally do see me and we connect it only lasts a small while and then they see something in me they think is clingy or weak. It makes me so angry and feel so lonely I wish I could scream forever.

For all of my faults I know one thing for sure though that God does love us with His whole heart He loves us understands us and needs us. Yes He needs us. Maybe most christians think thats sinful to say God needs anything or anyone but Im past caring what others say any longer. I know He needs us to fight this way we feel inside and we need to fight these
thoughts that God doesnt care. People may not care but our God Abbey He is LOVE and Love never gives up and never fails.

Sometimes I hate even that scripture, that love scripture about God. Sometimes I pound His chest and hate Him. I know He does love us. He loves us the way we need to be loved.

The reason, I believe this anyway, that we cant know this all of the time and be consistent is because we cannot FEEL Him. He is invisible. Its hard to feel love from someone we cannot even see or feel or hear. I think our own pain hides His love for us from us.

This is why Abbey we are the most beautiful of all to Him because we have such tremendous faith. We still hang on to our little hope when everything inside of ourselves and everyone we know gives up and tells us we are not to be loved.

He highly prizes this faith we have to keep on going on and seeking and holding on to every small tiny thread of decency. We believe in compassion. The world cannot understand us at all and I have to say I dont understand any of this either.

All I know is that I was praying and seeking and crying and I came here and here you are with your words. I am better because of you. I dont feel so awfully alone. I am scared I wont lie because if I open up to you ..........you could hurt me too. And I have opened up way too much this is who I am and evidently it is who you are too.

Not many weeks ago a funny thought came to me. Suppose I spend one day NOT being ashamed of who and what I am, what would that do?

Obviously everybody else seems to spend most of their time not being ashamed of anything they do..........maybe for once I could give myself a break and love me. What huge harm could happen? Of course the old stuff came back in but maybe some day it wont be coming so often.

What a shame for this man that he did not see who and what he had in front of him. What a shame my husband doesnt see not only who I am but what he could have every day if only he could learn to love and accept me.

Yes you may be right about the self sabotage. I would like some help but I have been hurt by a therapist and now I no longer trust them either.

I would just ask this though? Is it that we open up and tell too much or is it that we whine? Or both? Ok so if it is we coul;d change that and try to do better. But in the meantime......I dont know about you but I need someone to confide in. I need a friend. A real friend.