Honeybee12
01-22-2010, 09:42 AM
So about three months ago, I started seeing many of the issues and dysfunctions of my life and started to face them.
In this time I started searching for answers of why I went to the SA church, why I stayed, why I left, and why it continues to haunt me.
This past week, I've been searching and praying and needing guidance from God. I'm really not sure where to go in my new relationship. I sometimes feel like it's meant to be, I sometimes feel like it's doomed. He's not on the same page as me spiritually. However he does believe. I've been told that sometimes it's just not enough to believe.. but to surrender and to follow. That being said.. many other things have opened up to cause me to doubt.
During this week, I have had the old nagging feeling of being called back to the church by God. It's so confusing. I read somewhere that this kind of doubt can actually be healthy. I never thought that this could be a good thing, you know.. doubt. Every time I experience this doubt, I resist and fight it and pray that it would go away. This process has led me nowhere. I'm now wondering if there is some new way to look at it. Perhaps this is where I am to remind myself of who God is, and who God isn't.
Has anyone else experienced this?
It's like when I was going there, I was so vulnerable and impressionable, like a piece of clay.. and now I need to be reshaped. But looking to God and anticipating his reshaping is scary and unknown. Perhaps I revert back to thinking I should go there again because at least it's predictable.
The church is known to kick people out. The church is known to be exclusive in the community and really only has relations with churches in the same denomination, no relations with any of the local churches. The church banned a four year old boy from the nursery for pulling his pants down around other little kids (like most 4 year olds) and labeled him a pervert (leaving his mother wounded and heartbroken). People from the SA church all consider themselves to be part of the one true church. People from the church have been known to bash other churches and say 'they don't teach the word right'. I was encouraged to go to the Wednesday morning women's bible study, Thursday mid-week study and Sunday morning service. If I didn't show up, I felt like I was totally disappointing God. I also felt like it was my duty to attend service, and if I didn't, everyone would know and I'd feel just creepy the next service I attended. The pastor's wife told me once that I could use more discipline. The pastor's wife had me work on some graphics from home on the same day I returned home from the hospital for a major infection, and didn't really seem to think it was a big deal. I told the pastor's wife about a personal medical condition that I would need surgery for (I thought in confidence) and then immediately told another person all of my health info, right in front of me. One person from the SA church, spoke at an 'outside' womens group who, at the end of their talk advised everyone to go to their church because it's the only true church. The SA church doesn't believe in mental health issues, medication.. just the word, prayer and worship is all anyone needs, and if they don't get healed.. it's the fault of the one who is suffering.
Perhaps I just needed to write this all out to remind myself of why I left. Though, the church I attend now IS healthy.. but sometimes I feel like it's so loose and without the rigid structure that I did appreciate in the SA system, but that structure was all about works.. not grace. Seems I haven't found my middle ground.
In this time I started searching for answers of why I went to the SA church, why I stayed, why I left, and why it continues to haunt me.
This past week, I've been searching and praying and needing guidance from God. I'm really not sure where to go in my new relationship. I sometimes feel like it's meant to be, I sometimes feel like it's doomed. He's not on the same page as me spiritually. However he does believe. I've been told that sometimes it's just not enough to believe.. but to surrender and to follow. That being said.. many other things have opened up to cause me to doubt.
During this week, I have had the old nagging feeling of being called back to the church by God. It's so confusing. I read somewhere that this kind of doubt can actually be healthy. I never thought that this could be a good thing, you know.. doubt. Every time I experience this doubt, I resist and fight it and pray that it would go away. This process has led me nowhere. I'm now wondering if there is some new way to look at it. Perhaps this is where I am to remind myself of who God is, and who God isn't.
Has anyone else experienced this?
It's like when I was going there, I was so vulnerable and impressionable, like a piece of clay.. and now I need to be reshaped. But looking to God and anticipating his reshaping is scary and unknown. Perhaps I revert back to thinking I should go there again because at least it's predictable.
The church is known to kick people out. The church is known to be exclusive in the community and really only has relations with churches in the same denomination, no relations with any of the local churches. The church banned a four year old boy from the nursery for pulling his pants down around other little kids (like most 4 year olds) and labeled him a pervert (leaving his mother wounded and heartbroken). People from the SA church all consider themselves to be part of the one true church. People from the church have been known to bash other churches and say 'they don't teach the word right'. I was encouraged to go to the Wednesday morning women's bible study, Thursday mid-week study and Sunday morning service. If I didn't show up, I felt like I was totally disappointing God. I also felt like it was my duty to attend service, and if I didn't, everyone would know and I'd feel just creepy the next service I attended. The pastor's wife told me once that I could use more discipline. The pastor's wife had me work on some graphics from home on the same day I returned home from the hospital for a major infection, and didn't really seem to think it was a big deal. I told the pastor's wife about a personal medical condition that I would need surgery for (I thought in confidence) and then immediately told another person all of my health info, right in front of me. One person from the SA church, spoke at an 'outside' womens group who, at the end of their talk advised everyone to go to their church because it's the only true church. The SA church doesn't believe in mental health issues, medication.. just the word, prayer and worship is all anyone needs, and if they don't get healed.. it's the fault of the one who is suffering.
Perhaps I just needed to write this all out to remind myself of why I left. Though, the church I attend now IS healthy.. but sometimes I feel like it's so loose and without the rigid structure that I did appreciate in the SA system, but that structure was all about works.. not grace. Seems I haven't found my middle ground.