Sad and paranoid

[hornblower]

I finally quit my job yesterday. I dont have anywhere else to go to spill any of it out. Dont know if anyone even remembers me here But if you dont mind Id like to just talk it out and try to get some relief.
So many years of this crap still happening to me. Churches jobs people. What am I doing wrong or maybe I am doing something right and thats what makes others so mad at me. It just plain feels like persecution.
I am looking for the family Ive never had. The people that love and are honest and truthful as truthful as they can be anyway. One person at my job has it in her head that I have done her in with her friend and so she hates me relentlessly. Its true I dont like her yes I cant say that I have really ever liked her. I always try to like everyone not just like them but love them and be kind and supportive. This lady however hated me from the beginning. I never said one word and she started in one me from the first time I met her.

To give you an idea one day she told me to put my daughter on a leash and she was all too serious. My daughter has a disability and is mentally ill because of an attack on her life (at least thats what my husband and I feel has caused her to be different) when she was very young in the church we used to attend. Everyone at my job gets to share and talk about their problems over and over again husbands money and children, relatives, etc. but not me. I am silently forbidden because of this woman.

I should have quit I guess right away because it was exactly like the spiritual abuses I have endured from the very beginning ever since the attack on my daughter. The criminal that did this by the way to my daughter got off scott free because some christians hired a lawyer for him.
He also had murdered another little girl before the attack on my daughter and the police were looking for him at the time and then after they sent him to a mental hospital he also murdered a young boy there. He has never been prosecuted for any of this.

My daughter began getting sick when she was about fifteen years old. The age girls get interested in boys right? This person that did what he did to her was sixteen at the time she was barely six.

At this same age in my own life I was molested. My parents never even told me what happened to me, I mean they hid it, they didnt tell me anything, they acted like I had done something wrong.

The church we went too buried this attack on my daughter. Even though she was not raped the newspaper said she was so this is what everyone believed about her. I couldnt tell anyone what really happened because the pastor saw to it that it was never openly discussed anywhere,he buried it because he believed this was what God wanted him to do. He told my husband this.

So anyway I have to tell you, I do hate this person that is persecuting me at the bead store I work at. She was unbelievably cruel. She cared a lot for this other lady that works there and now this lady and I are very good friends so now she hates me. She and the So called assistant manager there are extremely jealous of the things I make and the attention I get.

I have prayed for years for a good friend I can trust. Its hard for me to trust anyone so many have let me down. With me now leaving, and I should never go back after the latest situation today, my friend will be there all alone with this anger of what they have both done to me. She has to work she has no choices. The owner obviously doesnt care about anyone or anything but herself she didnt bat an eye when I said I wanted to quit its as if duh, of course you do.

Are things really this bad? Are people really this evil?
For some reason I have no "hit back" mentality. I feel numb. I feel nothing but my mind wont quit whirling with all they have done to me. Can someone really ahte me this much that they would actually be this mean and spiteful? Why?

and yet.........I know what the bible has said.......Jesus my best and only truest friend has said, "If they hated Me be not surprised that they now hate you and even think they are doing a service to God in murdering you."

This is how I feel.
My sin is I did talk badly about these people with my friend.
We kept all of that to ourselves but.........am I paying for talking about people that hate me?
Do you understand my questions?
Is it allright to say how I feel about these people?

In any case I cannot be any better than who I am. If Jesus cannot forgive me for talking about them when they do these things to me, treat me like Im stupid, steal my ideas and designs, use my gifts that I have shared with them for their own profit without even giving me credit or appreciating me for sharing with them..........I guess I am done for.

Please Lord do forgive me for hating them because I do and I wish I could let them have it for being so horrible. I wish all kinds of things but.......I want peace more than anything. I want a good life. Whats left of it Id like to find some peace. Seek peace with all men. YOU say to pray for them but how do I pray? Just help me Lord Jesus. Im hurting again.

[Jerry]

Just help me Lord Jesus. Im hurting again.


Dear Hornblower,,,,
There's a good prayer to start with ;) Don't be like the hypocrites we find in so many Churches,,,,,,,,,they think they will be heard by their many words ;) That little prayer of yours is beautiful and gets it done :D

Love Jerry

[Timid]

Hornblower,

I do remember you. I remember you were having struggles with the people at the store back then too.

I don't think God is punishing you for venting your hurts and frustrations with a friend. There is a passage in the Bible that says we are to support and help each other. How can someone support us if they don't know what is bothering us? It is ok to ask for help. Just like you did here. Nothing wrong with that at all.

Jerry is right. That is a beautiful prayer, and I am sure God has heard it.

Hang in there Hornblower.

Timid

[Malinda]

You're not the only one who goes through this. I once worked at an insurance company and from the first day this one girl hated me. She'd go out of her way to come in early and yell at me. She'd sabotage my files and misfile them on purpose when I was away from my desk...anything to get me in trouble. She once hacked into my email and printed and posted all my emails in the office. She had even read them out loud to everyone, highlighted areas of interest and even made comments to my emails, one day when I was out. It was awful! She made my life a living hell while I was there.
I did talk about her too, just like you did. She found it all out too when she printed out my emails. I did end up apologising to those in my office whom I had gossiped about, not because I was weak but because it was the right thing to do. Then I prayed like a mad woman. That was MY job! God had given that to me. So if God is for us who can be against us? Within two months both she and another lady, who was also picking on me, quit and left.
At the end of it all, I found our her major beef with me was plain and simple...I was a Christian and she resented seeing me get blessed and her life a living hell. See, I was going through a really rough time at that time....my husband was drinking all the time and was very abusive, I ended up leaving him and she witnessed it all. She took joy in my life falling apart. But then within days she saw God restore everything back with my husband coming back to the Lord, us getting back together, buying a house. See, her life had once been a picture of mine with an abusive relationship, but because she didn't have God, her life continued to deteriorate after she left her husband. She ended up with a man who cheated on her and she struggled financially always to make ends meet. She felt like at he darkest time in her life that God had turned his back on her. To her it was like God was favouring one over the other. So I was her punching bag. She resented God and so she resented me as His representative.
All in all, it made me pity her. She never had peace in her life and everything was about beating down the little guy to get just a little higher up the food chain. Because maybe just one rung higher was the peace she was looking for.
Hurt people always hurt people. Hope maybe my story helped shed some light on yours.

[riverdove]

I'm glad to see you post again, Hornblower, but sorry to hear of your workplace encounter. If leaving helps and it's the only way you can protect yourself from the situation, then maybe it's best for your own sanity to leave the place. To me, if you have to suffer so much, the loss of the job itself will end up being better than having to suffer under the daily mistreatments of those hurtful people. Take care of you first and that is the right thing to do.

[Hope 98]

Ah Hornblower - I remember you & have missed you. I understand how you feel, but I don't know what to say.

Prayers for you!

[hornblower]

I think God just told me to come back here and I sure am glad I was listening to Him. Its so hard to hear Him especially when there is pain. ? Its always been hard for me to understand but then if I really really seek Him face to face as it were Hes always there big time.
You are here and I should know other hurt christians that are kind and loving are the only ones that know hwo to respond to these trials in our lives.
Malinda thankyou so much. Indeed this is exactly the way it is. Of course these two women think they know Jesus as much if not more than anyone else. When they speak though its only about religion. Their denominations over and over again this denomination that denomination.......I dont know if anyone else agrees with me but if that is what you are basing your faith on, it aint going to cut it in my book. Jesus is very personal to me Hes not into denominations at all. If He were He would be devisive and I dont see Him that way.
Anyway Im still so angry and just depressed. I dont know why? I think really because its always been this way for me, everywhere, and sometimes I seriously think (actually not sometimes, a lot of the time) its about me and my inability to somehow be a normal person. I never fit in. Im very outgoing and cheerful, funny even, and I am close and personal, very open and honest. These were the traits they hated. Especially this one woman. Like you said from the very first minute she started in on me, abusing me verbally.

When she could no longer do it to me she started in on the other christian there. She made her life a living hell. This person even tells us where to place our coffee cups and how to eat. You can imagine the stories I could tell about the things that went on. I could handle it but when she became friends with the other lady that is so underhanded and jealouse I couldnt handle it any more. I dont HAVE to work, so?

I knew it would be a bad job Im not stupid its a very dog eat dog world there. Weird that a bead store would be this way but it is what it is. So much gossip and backbiting. There are four of us that love each other there. We privately facebook each other. I just feel bad about myself because,
and dig this, I cannot get it out of my head and I dont know why?
in the charismatic church and well a lot of places they believe in what you say is what you get. If you confess it it will happen.
So if every single thing that comes out of your mouth comes back on you?
How can I talk or share or what am I supposed to do?

I have so much trouble with this idea in my life and Im wondering again can somebody help me out here?
I swear these people are a constant problem in my life. My own Mother who was very verbally abusive to me and maybe even physically and sexually abusive well for sure sexually abusive believed in this premise. She had the book by Norman Vincent Peale on Positive Thinking. Back when I was a kid and things were so bad that book almost had the prominant place in our house. I never saw her bible or heard her quote anything from it. But I sure knew the Norman Vincent Peale message.
She was not happy even though she tried very hard at this book and idea. All of her anger was directed at me.

I have asked God so many times to help me with all of this. It seems to go way back inside of me. My Dad just was who he was he didnt spout things out that were positive or nessarily negative just who he was you know but people saw him as being very negative and depressed.

Of course I adored him and hated my mother with a fury because she hated me? Or certainly seemed too.

I just dont understand.

When I prayed before I quit over two weeks agao I felt like I heard God say to me Vengeance is mine!
Does that mean He will repay whomever hurts me His way in His time for whatever evil they have done in their hearts?
Or does it mean I too will get mine because I hate her because I honestly do hate her? I dont want to feel this way and I have always asked God to forgive me for it and to help me not feel this way but then I do end up saying bad things about her and telling my friend what shes done to me that day.


She hates me with a vengeance because she wanted this friendship with my friend..........I didnt break them up at all. I know better than that kind of stuff. I tried to be friends with both people. Even though she was always controlling with me and snippy and mean.

Im so afraid all of the time of everything. I cant let things go, its like Im still a little girl always whining.

Im whining here too. I wish I could just get up do what I should be motivated to get stuff done and not get stilted down into the pits when stuff happens to me.

I really do miss you guys. Thanks for responding and its fine to not know what to say. I never know what to say. So I say that. lol.

[Malinda]

I'm glad I helped....Thanks for saying that I helped...I know that sounds stupid but it's good to know that God can use you to help someone else even when you're in the pits of hurt and despair.
My question to you was your old church Word of Faith...You mentioned the confession thing.
Here's my take on "confession" whatever is spoken out of authority is what will be. There has to be something behind. Faith, belief, knowing, asurity...they have to be behind what you say to give it life.
I've watched the miraculous happen because I said it knowing it would happen and watched my idle, stupid words float off into the wind with no effect.
Just think of the most horrible torment imaginable for this woman....Do you want her to suffer that? No, I don't think so. You don't hate her... You hate how she's made you feel, you hate her actions but even her you'd like to see in heaven, fully restored.
If we take the scripture just like word of faith people do and use it to the extreme "you reap what you sow" and the words we speak are the seeds; Then a whole lot of crap would be happening in our lives and there would be earthquakes, storms and financial ruin because of the people in fear and stupidity, speaking stupid things. Plus we'd all be dead because how many times do we say, "oh, my back is killing me". But here's what I think when careless words are spoken. Some of those some seeds are scattered and get caught in the wind and the chances of them sprouting and creating something is slim....but take a seed and nurture it and tend to it and it will most likely grow; it will produce something, good or bad. I think it's whatever we attend to that grows. What you believe in, comes to pass in your life.
Giving attention to the positive is helpful...In your mom's case I truly think she despised herself and was trying to change herself on her own....she needed God to do it and she just never figured out how to let Him.
Well, have a blessed day...I hope I help yet again....

[hornblower]

Word of Faith was one of the churches here and good riddens is what I say to that place or rather him for being who he was and what he was. This teaching though was around before his time and I saw it begin to flourish under his fame. I swear down here its all about fads. Here today and gone tomorrow. False prophets all of them and I feel sorry for the people that have bought into it but then they should have read and known what the word is in the first place. I totally agree with you that it is about what we believe that is whats behind what we say.
I only wish for myself that inside my heart I could be who I 'deeply' am all of the time. I care too much what these people think about me. This is what Jesus has put in my 'knower' lately. I need to spend more time with Him and get my priorities back on track. I need to hear from Him so I can know myself, if that is making sense to anyone.
I believe that God told me that on the inside everyone just wants to be somebody. If only we would go to Him He would show us who we really are. Who He created us to be. How much He alone can care for us and bring us into a safe home to be forever with Him. Dont fear. He is with me. These are the things I need to get way down inside of me.
You are right about this lady. She and her friend are just wanting to be on top and really dont we all want that?
Yes I would like to be admired and loved and thought well of, told that I am doing a good job of everything and then be able to believe it. Alas its not going to happen for them no matter how hard they try. Only God can heal us from whatever it is that ails us all. Hes the only one that knows us on the inside anyway.
Right now though I really do hate her. I didnt for a long long time over a year and a half toward her, I havent felt that way but now after this last scene, I have to be honest with myself and with you I do feel hatred. God knows and Ive asked Him to forgive me and cleanse me.
As for my Mom we long ago made amends and I miss her almost daily but the things that she did that hurt me still take their toll. I certainly forgave her all of it I forgave and she forgave me too. We are going to be in heaven together.

[Jerry]

When I prayed before I quit over two weeks agao I felt like I heard God say to me Vengeance is mine!
Does that mean He will repay whomever hurts me His way in His time for whatever evil they have done in their hearts?


Dear Hornblower,,,,
Exactly right ;) Here's how it's gonna work,,,,,,,,,,Matt 12 vs 36-37

"But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak,they will give account of it in the day of judgment......For by your words you will be justified and by your words you will be condemned " So take heart Hornblower ;)

Love Jerry

[abbey]

((((Hornblower)))) remember me? I missed you! I cant get here as much as I like. Wanted to hug you. :)

Love Abbey