I Cut tonight

[kodee]

I'm not alone in that this time of year is tough for some, I am struggling right now. I cut tonight, wount go into why, it does not matter and is to involved to explane. not sure even if I did you could relate. Need stiches but wount go in. i'll do the best I can at home. at least I don't have to work tomorrow. I'm going to take some meds and sleep.

[Timid]

Kodee please don't hurt yourself. Don't do to yourself physically what others have done to you emotionally and spiritually. I know it is a struggle to not cut yourself when the stresses and pains (or numbness) of this world get overwhelming, but please try. No matter what anyone has told you in the past, and even though I don't know you, I do know that you are worthy to be treated with respect and dignity by everyone, including yourself. Please learn to love yourself and treat yourself well. There is relief from pain Kodee, but you can't obtain it by hurting yourself.

[kodee]

Thanks Timid,

I get thease waves of feeling dirty both inside and out, I try to find ways to (as my councelor tells me to) Comfort myself but reciently nothing seems to help. Normaly I take a long hot bath and that relaxes me but it just is not working right now. I'm taking good care of my wound, I'm a pretty good field medic with all the practice I have had. I really want to get past this and have a happy life, I guess I'd like to ask for you to pray that God shows me peace and a way threw this. thanks again

[abbey]

Kodee, I feel youre intense pain and I'll pray for you HARD!

I understand, becuz my SA and Divorce (And Cancer) were all close apart. 'll admit, I used pain pills for self-medicating. Im clean now and delighted.

Ellen knows you cut right? I theorize that creating pain to release pain create more pain. It will do you no good whatsoever to continue this behavior. Easier said than done, right?

Maybe try this: I told God, "Plz Lord, whatever it takes to stop my destructive behavior, do it! Close doors, open doors, send the right ppl, I surrender not only my habit, but my entire life to you"

It worked! I got chastised but it worked. We all are here for you! You re a hurting human being right now and thats for a season. One day, you'll look back and see you made it thru. Contnue the good fight! Press On.

Ab

[Gayle]

I hear ya Kodee, sometimes it is very hard to know which way to turn to get away from the struggle. The holiday is often difficult here as well and this year is no exception. I am trying to remember in a few days all this will be over and people will go back to having "normal" days - that helps me get through. Yesterday I found a long unchristmasy movie - it helped me forget for a few hours. Today I spent a few hours with my daughter in-law - we just visited and had dinner together. Now I'm home and having to deal again. In a few hours I'll be asleep. Tomorrow I'll spend time with my family and then by the evening it will be over. Monday will be spent orientating back to my "norm."

Every year I go through avoidance - avoiding people who invite to church and have related topics - and I forget to start my avoidance early so a few get their piece in and I politely decline. Well it gets me into my holiday routine anyways. My struggle is knowing that I'll make it safely to the other side of the holidays.

Don't know if this helps any but I just wanted you to know you really are not alone. Gayle

[kodee]

It's just not during the holidays, I struggle with it all the time. I don't cut often. My mother told me that if Abortion was around when she was pregnant with me then I would not be standing here, It rings in my mind as if she had just said it. I am very pro life but would have made an exception in my case. It's the only thing that my Mom and I agree on. I'm working on 50 years old now and I look back on my life and see what a waste and have no clear vision of the future. I just want to go home and sit at the feet of Jesus. I'm not scheduled to see Ellen untill the 13th of January but should call her and let her know I cut. Feeling really dirty right now. Need to go

[Timid]

It's just not during the holidays, I struggle with it all the time. I don't cut often. My mother told me that if Abortion was around when she was pregnant with me then I would not be standing here, It rings in my mind as if she had just said it. I am very pro life but would have made an exception in my case. It's the only thing that my Mom and I agree on. I'm working on 50 years old now and I look back on my life and see what a waste and have no clear vision of the future. I just want to go home and sit at the feet of Jesus. I'm not scheduled to see Ellen untill the 13th of January but should call her and let her know I cut. Feeling really dirty right now. Need to go

Kodee,

I am praying for you. I know the struggle you fight. I don't cut, but there are other destructive habits I struggle with.

I am so sorry to hear what your mom said to you. That in itself was a cut inflicted by another human. Kodee, no matter what she said, you are a worthy human deserving of respect and dignity. She was wrong Kodee, probably something said out of her own hurts. But that doesn't take the sting from you. Words are more destructive then weapons ever could be.

I am around your age. I have three degrees, working on a fourth. Have the house with a nice picket fence, a wonderful spouse, and two kids. The American dream right? But even with all that there are times I too feel like a failure. Kodee, it isn't the things we own, successful careers, perfect families, or any other thing that make us worthy. What makes us worthy is that God has created us, loves us, and wants to have fellowship with us. He loves us no matter what. We don't have to earn His love, we already have it. I know that sometimes it is hard to hear Him, feel Him, and even love Him. But His love toward us never ever stops.

Even in our failures God still loves us. I know what it feels like to be ashamed of my actions. It makes me want to retreat into myself. It makes me feel like God would never want to talk to me again. But He is there always willing to love us, hold us, comfort us. Reach out to him Kodee. He will not reject you.

I am praying for peace and comfort for you.

Timid

[kodee]

Thanks Timid,

The coments my mother has made was not some off the cuff thing or something she said when she got mad, you see she was allways mad. we were Dad's idea and she let all of us know as we grew up. we were told even reciently that we are not worth the powder it would take to blow us to hell, the Abortion comment was something I grew up with. mom is a true man hating feminest (I'm not agenst feminism) She just see's men as abusers and hates all them. She took her rage out on me because I was born male and just because she could. In Grade school I told a teacher what my father did to me and they in turn went to my parents and Boy did I get beat when they got home , not by Dad but by Mom. I just kept my mouth shut after that untill about 10 years after my Dad died. I was old enough that she can't hit me anymore and I got tired of being blamed for being male. I had a profound salvation experience with Christ, I know he loves me and I love him. He has been the only one that has loved me consistantly over the years. Thats why I want to go home.

[Timid]

Oh Kodee I am so sorry you have had to endure such abuse. The desire to sit at Jesus' feet is understandable. But I hope you will let God choose when that will happen. I am still praying for you.

[kodee]

thanks

[kodee]

One day she will assume room temp, that is the day it will be made right. Ellen told me that she believes both my parents were mentaly Ill, I believe it. By what I was told about thier childhood, I came out better then they did but it's no excuse. I can say that thier legacy dies with me, it will not get passed on to anouther generation. If god ever does allow me to be a father, there will never go a day without telling me kids how special and how priceless they are. I know it is by God's design that I have not had children yet, I can't help but feel like it has to do with me. that I have made just one to many mistakes or he see's something in me that is worst then the guy who throws his kids out a 3rd story window, Or drowns them because thier new boyfriend/girlfriend dosen't like them. I could never do that

[riverdove]

Kodee,

This is a hard time for you ... and I'm glad you're sharing your story ... it shows that you care about yourself and you're recovering. I've been through some abuse as a kid and I know it stinks. Here are some links and I don't know if they will help or not. Take care.

http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Cutting-Yourself

http://christians-in-recovery.org/re.../hotlines.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF0YZjI9El8&feature=PlayList&p=3AC8E04594A4A6BC&index=22&playnext=2&playnext_from=PL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BkN-...om=PL&index=21

[riverdove]

Oops ... sorry about the last two links. There was an error. Anyway, here's one of them. It's actually a moving song entitled, "There are no orphans of God."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BkN-4NYQj0

[kodee]

Thanks riverdove, I like Avalon. checked out the links, good info. Took the rest of the week off. I'm finding it harder to just get out of bed. I can't seem to sleep. its midnight and my mind is still spinning out of control. I need to call Ellen but don't want to bother her on her holiday plus its late. I try to be sencetive to her private time. I think alot of this crud I'm going threw is about having to be around my family especialy my mom. I feel defeated for not forgiving her because I know as a christian I am commanded to, I just have so much rage in my heart for her and can't seem to get rid of it. My sisters live several hours away and they don't have to be close since i am here. They are able to live thier lives and I'm stuck here. I feel like i'm smuthering. I want to get drunk but I promised Ellen I would'nt, plus the liquer store is closed. I would'nt anyway because of the promise I gave ellen. I'm trying to think of a way to sooth and distract myself, Started crying tonight, havent cryed for a long time, have to say it did help at least for a while. going to take a hot bath. night

[riverdove]

I think alot of this crud I'm going threw is about having to be around my family especialy my mom. I feel defeated for not forgiving her because I know as a christian I am commanded to, I just have so much rage in my heart for her and can't seem to get rid of it. My sisters live several hours away and they don't have to be close since i am here. They are able to live thier lives and I'm stuck here. I feel like i'm smuthering. Kodee, what a profound statement you're making here. This is the real heartache about family dysfunction and abusive and hurtful parental relationship. I have seen my fair share of parental abuse in my life .... You have every right to be angry and hate what your parents did to you because their deeds were damaging you. There's nothing honoring about what thei did to you and if your mother doesn't repent, but continue to abuse you, you can detach emotionally from her so she won't hurt you no more... The 12 steps in AA call it detached love and boundary setting. Parental abuse can produce a lot of dysfunctional relationships among siblings too. I can write a 100-page paper on that ... I hurt when I talk about it ... Are you able to discuss this aspect of your struggle with your counselor? If it helps for a live chat, here's one link that might be useful:

http://stepchat.com/alanon.htm

You can talk about almost anything ... people are patient to listen without judging because there's a no crosstalk rule there. Were you able to log in to some of the forums or use the hotlines?

You know, tonight, being New Year's Eve, I hope you will find something interesting to do . Whatever you do, whether pigging out on your favorite food or watching a late night TV program ... take care of you, ok? I find eating my favorite food infront of the TV or computer helps ... silly I know. :p

[kodee]

Thanks Riverdove, It took my 10 years after my father died just to admit what he did and what he was, Even though I knew to some degree what he did I just would not out him. Being a padifile and a reprobate, he was concidered by all of his children and grandchildren as the good parent, Mom was anouther story, all hate her but play this game of having a close family, we all are waiting untill she "Bite's it", In some way I feel sad for her because there will not be anyone to morn her. I have to be careful about getting in "Touch" with the rage I feel, I get distructive and to be quiet honest I almost shot her on a couple occasions, Even though I have had some time to let that ease, I can get that angry just thinking about it. not that I would hurt her, most likely I would hurt myself. When I was 17, she almost killed me, She was yelling at me and I finaly had enough, I told her to shut the hell up and that she did not know what she was talking about, I made the mistake of turning my back to walk away, she came from behind and struck my at the small of the neck where the sping enters the skull, it dropped me, I staggered to my feet but had lost all hearing, I was totaly deaf, I could feel her spitting on me as she yelled but could not hear a word. I turned around and went the few steps into my bedroom and passed out staring at my rifle. Later the damage showed up in an X-ray, she gave me a concussion. I moved out soon after. Even now feel like if I had shot her it would have been justified and I could live without guilt. This is the struggle I have, I know I hate her for the abuse, Even though she can't hit me anymore, I have seen her back hand my nieces, 2 years old and she back hands them, I want to leave it for the parents to deal with but everyone but myself are afraid of her. There have been times that I came to rescue the kids, didn't go over well. I want to do to her what she is doing but know I'll end up in jail. I just guess I don't get this forgiveness stuff, I don't know what to do with the rage. well its late and I have to work tomorrow. night

[riverdove]

Kodee,

I can understand why you are angry and have developed a rage like that ... given what you've gone through. You have the right to be very angry for the things done to you. I know being in rage is a scary thought, but don't feel bad about feeling angry. When you're angry, it tells something is wrong. Then it can lead that person to begin the process to deal with the hurt and find way to recover from it. The only way around it is to talk about it. I'm glad you have a counselor to help you process that anger. Whatever you do, keep sharing your inner feelings ... they are important ... suppressing it can make you more angry ... Also, whatever you do, keep the gun and any weapon far from you, or anybody else. You seem to be a very caring person deep down .. you won't even hurt others, but only yourself. But ... but ... but... hurting yourself is NOT ok at all too. I think you know that already ... and I can see you're doing whatever you can to help yourself steer away from it ... Keep trying and I think so far you're doing really great!! If you keep trying, you'll get better at it and someday you may even be able to share with others and help them. There's hope out there. Most of all find some ways to distract yourself and do something enjoyable. Some people think adopting a pet helps as a pet will listen to you at all times ... be sure to get a gentle one though. Take care of you first of all. You are worth it!

[Reg]

Kodee,

So sorry to hear about your childhood experiences. Agree with riverdove.

Kodee,

I can understand why you are angry and have developed a rage like that ... given what you've gone through. You have the right to be very angry for the things done to you. I know being in rage is a scary thought, but don't feel bad about feeling angry. When you're angry, it tells something is wrong. Then it can lead that person to begin the process to deal with the hurt and find way to recover from it. The only way around it is to talk about it. I'm glad you have a counselor to help you process that anger. Whatever you do, keep sharing your inner feelings ... they are important ... suppressing it can make you more angry ... Also, whatever you do, keep the gun and any weapon far from you, or anybody else. You seem to be a very caring person deep down .. you won't even hurt others, but only yourself. But ... but ... but... hurting yourself is NOT ok at all too. I think you know that already ... and I can see you're doing whatever you can to help yourself steer away from it ... Keep trying and I think so far you're doing really great!! If you keep trying, you'll get better at it and someday you may even be able to share with others and help them. There's hope out there. Most of all find some ways to distract yourself and do something enjoyable. Some people think adopting a pet helps as a pet will listen to you at all times ... be sure to get a gentle one though. Take care of you first of all. You are worth it!
Riverdove,

"When you're angry, it tells something is wrong".

What a simple clear significant statement. You said a lot in the least amount of words with that statement.

I hate it when people automatically think there must be something wrong with you when you get angry especially in Christian circles. They think that Christians shouldn't get angry. You get labeled as an angry person and someone to be avoided. Knowing this you tend to stuff your anger.

[kodee]

I guess what I don't understand is about forgiveness, Jesus tells us to forgive and I just don't know how. I can go threw the motions but I can't shake the rage I feel inside. I have told Ellen about my Dark side, What bothers me is the feeling that people are afraid of me. I know I would under normal circomstances never hurt anyone. Ellen told me about 3 trates of a sociopath, they wet the bed, torture animals and they self harm, I wet the bed untill 21, I started soon after my mother had to go to work and my father looked after us, in my adolence I did horrible things to animals and have burned/cut since 6th grade. Thankfully I channeled the rage inwardly at myself. I will be so glad when this life is over. Ellen has told me for all I have been threw, She is amazed that I am as normal as I am. I guess that was a complament. I see her on the 13th, It has been over a month since I saw her last. alot has happened and I have not told her about my cutting. My meds are kickin in so I have to be off. thanks for the encouragement


Kodee

[kodee]

Gave some thought about last nights post, Just to let you know Jesus got ahold of me before I became a sociopath, I'm not one! What I shared is nothing I am proud of, I was really messed up for a long time. I hope you all do noit think less of me for sharing.


Kodee

[Timid]

Gave some thought about last nights post, Just to let you know Jesus got ahold of me before I became a sociopath, I'm not one! What I shared is nothing I am proud of, I was really messed up for a long time. I hope you all do noit think less of me for sharing.

Of course we don't think less of you. Actually I am very impressed at how open you are. Jealous in a way. I still can't be that open.

Still praying for you.

Timid

[kodee]

Thanks timid,

I just want to scream sometimes, I had anouther flash back today at work. All it did was get me really pissed off, I told an adult what was happening to me, I told my teacher at school that my dad made me put his thing in my mouth. I can still hear my mother screaming at me like it just happened. It got blown off as dad having porn laying around the house and I got the idea from that. It has to be in some school records somewhere that I made the accusations. But what does it matter now, he's dead and what good would it do to confront my mother with facts. When my father abused me, I put my hand in front of my mouth to I guess guard myself, Mom would hit me every time I put my hand up. I can also hear her yell at me to put my hand down, if I didn't she would slap me. I have been trying to comfort myself all day, I went to the gun shop and fondled all the new guns (allways good for a good giggle) played music on youtube, I want to cut again. know if I soak in the tub it will end up with me cutting again. Good thing I don't have to work tomorrow, don't think i'm going to get much sleep tonight. I might be back later on tonight...

[riverdove]

Kodee, I totally agree with Timid. You were honest and brave to share. It shows you're finally finding a voice for yourself to speak up. Also, there is no problem on earth that is too surprising for God. Don't feel bad about the past ... it wasn't your fault ... I like the AA 12 steps that says, family dysfunction is a disease,
You didn't create it,
You can cure it,
So, let go and let God

Know that you are a special person dearly loved by God and even though you didn't have a good family, but you now have Abba, your Father, Jesus Christ, your brother and friend, and the Holy Spirit, your counselor and comforter. Take care of you, give yourself plenty of time ... one day at a time ...

[riverdove]

To be exact, the AA slogan about dysfunctional family ...

I did't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it
I won't contribute to it

I find this very helpful when I'm trying to separate myself from the influence of my toxic family relationship.

[kodee]

Thanks,

Will God judge me if I can't find it in my heart to forgive right now? I keep flashing back to me in the shower begging god to forgive me, There is many examples in the bible that teach us to forgive and if we don't then he will not forgive us, can't bare that but don't see a way out, I'm between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hate. before I die I want to know peace but see Gods wrath in my future.

[kodee]

Found a song on youtube by Nichole Nordman called "You are Good" Been listening to it over and over, one part seems to hit home "when the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay, Your are good"

[kodee]

OOPS got that a little wrong, "When its dark and its cold and i can't feel my soul, you are so good. When the world has gone gray and the rain is here to stay, you are still good"

[riverdove]

Thanks for bringing up the song ... it was touching for me too.

[kodee]

I bought the CD, If you give me a Yahoo address I can send it to you in an attachment if you want. I'll try to send it to myself first

[Jhon Butcher]

Maybe...be sure to not eat any salty foods tonight. Salt makes you retain water. Also for tonight -- no beans, no rice, no wheat, maybe just a salad and some fruit. Take a really hot shower and try to sweat. If you have access to a sauna or a jacuzzi, take one, but don't overdo it. You don't want to get too deheydrated.

[riverdove]

You got the cd .. cool. I'm listening to youtube and it works fine. Thks anyway for the offer.

[kodee]

Riverdove,

I found it on Amazon, its called "Sing over me worship songs and lullabies" nad has various artists

[riverdove]

Thanks bro.