Reg
01-24-2005, 09:15 AM
I continue to communicate with a friend of mine in New York who also left my former group. We have had a dialogue going on for several years now. Here's one of her latest posts. I thought it might help us here by my response.
M,
U wrote: it's not your faith - it's the need for the obvious (whether or not it's obvious) "good" and "evil" - the existence of duality explains away - or rationalizes - a lot of things people cannot connect with.
---
I understand that a lot of things that are not good or evil. Just like there are a lot of colours beside the extremes of B/W. In fact most of life is between the two. So don't keep labelling me as a good/evil - B/W thinker. It may help you explain me to yourself but you would be very far from being accurate. I realize we came out of the WCG and that kind of thinking. You still seem to refer to me in that context. I'm not anywhere near there anymore. It's been nearly 7 years since I've exited and been enlightened.
I read "Changes That Heal" a few years ago that talks about that kind of extreme thinking.
Chapter 4 "Sorting Out Good and Bad"
He talks about "duality" and "splitting".
The world around us is good and bad. We are good and bad. The problem enters in when our natural tendency tries to resolve the problem of good and evil by keeping the good and the bad separated. We want by nature, to experience the good me, the other good, and the good world as "all good". To do this, we see the bad me, the bad other, and the bad world as "all bad". This creates a split in our experience of ourselves, others, and the world around us - a split that is not based on reality and cannot stand the test of time and the real life.
This splitting results in and inability to tolerate badness, weakness, and failure in ourselves and others. It leads to two basic problems: sometimes we deny the existence of bad; at other times , we deny the existence of good. We feel like we are all bad when we fail, or we think we are all good when we are doing well.
In addition, we blame and punish others for failing to be the all-good person we want them to be. At other times, we deny the real badness they exhibit and end up with an unreal relationship with them that ultimately fails.
In the world around us, we require perfection, and we devalue any church, group, or job that fails our expectations. Either we withdraw from church, group, or job, only to move to another imperfect and disappointing situation, or we idealize situations in a way that blinds us to their bad points. In short, if we do not have the ability to tolerate and deal with the simultaneous existence of good and bad, we cannot successfully deal with and live in this world, for the world and we are precisely that: good and bad.
So you see, we and everything is a combination of both, good and evil.
However, there are very good things as well as very evil things. I know you don't believe it but there is pure evil. I know. I've met it before. It gave me the willy's when I was in the bike gang.
So here's a description of the book, It is one of the best books I read after exiting the WCG and helped explain a lot of things in my healing process. I highly recommend it.
Reg
Changes That Heal
By Dr. Henry Cloud
Book Description
This book focuses on four developmental tasks -- 1) bonding to others, 2) separating from others, 3) integrating good and bad in our lives, and 4) taking charge of our lives -- that all of us must accomplish to heal our inner pain and to enable us to function and grow emotionally and spiritually.
Synopsis
Dr. Cloud takes readers step-by-step through the four basic tasks of becoming a mature image bearer of God: bonding to others; setting boundaries; accepting both good and bad; and becoming an adult. "Henry Cloud understands and explains best why people develop emotional and relational problems and how they can solve them.
Cloud brings out life-changing principles in his analysis of boundaries, bonding, good and evil, and adulthood. It has the potential of completely revamping your view of healthy interaction with others (and God).
It is a great help in looking at our past to ensure happier futures. This is a GREAT book that helps us understand how our past affects every area of our lives (work, relationships, and our underlying attitudes). Although many had experienced great success in the business world, their personal relationships are suffering terribly and are miserable on the inside. This book helps them understand why and how to change.
It clearly explained the important things I needed but I didn't get out of each developmental stage while growing up from an infant to an adult. While reading the book, it became clear how I developed coping mechanisms to get through life--trying to get my needs met--with mixed results. On the outside, I was a picture of success, but on the inside I was tired, empty, unhappy and frustrated. With this understanding, and a continued commitment to find new ways to think, act and live, many are now learning to live a life that promises to be happier and healthier.
'Changes That Heal' is a book that is informative and life changing. Change and healing IS possible! Definitely worth reading! A-plus!
M,
U wrote: it's not your faith - it's the need for the obvious (whether or not it's obvious) "good" and "evil" - the existence of duality explains away - or rationalizes - a lot of things people cannot connect with.
---
I understand that a lot of things that are not good or evil. Just like there are a lot of colours beside the extremes of B/W. In fact most of life is between the two. So don't keep labelling me as a good/evil - B/W thinker. It may help you explain me to yourself but you would be very far from being accurate. I realize we came out of the WCG and that kind of thinking. You still seem to refer to me in that context. I'm not anywhere near there anymore. It's been nearly 7 years since I've exited and been enlightened.
I read "Changes That Heal" a few years ago that talks about that kind of extreme thinking.
Chapter 4 "Sorting Out Good and Bad"
He talks about "duality" and "splitting".
The world around us is good and bad. We are good and bad. The problem enters in when our natural tendency tries to resolve the problem of good and evil by keeping the good and the bad separated. We want by nature, to experience the good me, the other good, and the good world as "all good". To do this, we see the bad me, the bad other, and the bad world as "all bad". This creates a split in our experience of ourselves, others, and the world around us - a split that is not based on reality and cannot stand the test of time and the real life.
This splitting results in and inability to tolerate badness, weakness, and failure in ourselves and others. It leads to two basic problems: sometimes we deny the existence of bad; at other times , we deny the existence of good. We feel like we are all bad when we fail, or we think we are all good when we are doing well.
In addition, we blame and punish others for failing to be the all-good person we want them to be. At other times, we deny the real badness they exhibit and end up with an unreal relationship with them that ultimately fails.
In the world around us, we require perfection, and we devalue any church, group, or job that fails our expectations. Either we withdraw from church, group, or job, only to move to another imperfect and disappointing situation, or we idealize situations in a way that blinds us to their bad points. In short, if we do not have the ability to tolerate and deal with the simultaneous existence of good and bad, we cannot successfully deal with and live in this world, for the world and we are precisely that: good and bad.
So you see, we and everything is a combination of both, good and evil.
However, there are very good things as well as very evil things. I know you don't believe it but there is pure evil. I know. I've met it before. It gave me the willy's when I was in the bike gang.
So here's a description of the book, It is one of the best books I read after exiting the WCG and helped explain a lot of things in my healing process. I highly recommend it.
Reg
Changes That Heal
By Dr. Henry Cloud
Book Description
This book focuses on four developmental tasks -- 1) bonding to others, 2) separating from others, 3) integrating good and bad in our lives, and 4) taking charge of our lives -- that all of us must accomplish to heal our inner pain and to enable us to function and grow emotionally and spiritually.
Synopsis
Dr. Cloud takes readers step-by-step through the four basic tasks of becoming a mature image bearer of God: bonding to others; setting boundaries; accepting both good and bad; and becoming an adult. "Henry Cloud understands and explains best why people develop emotional and relational problems and how they can solve them.
Cloud brings out life-changing principles in his analysis of boundaries, bonding, good and evil, and adulthood. It has the potential of completely revamping your view of healthy interaction with others (and God).
It is a great help in looking at our past to ensure happier futures. This is a GREAT book that helps us understand how our past affects every area of our lives (work, relationships, and our underlying attitudes). Although many had experienced great success in the business world, their personal relationships are suffering terribly and are miserable on the inside. This book helps them understand why and how to change.
It clearly explained the important things I needed but I didn't get out of each developmental stage while growing up from an infant to an adult. While reading the book, it became clear how I developed coping mechanisms to get through life--trying to get my needs met--with mixed results. On the outside, I was a picture of success, but on the inside I was tired, empty, unhappy and frustrated. With this understanding, and a continued commitment to find new ways to think, act and live, many are now learning to live a life that promises to be happier and healthier.
'Changes That Heal' is a book that is informative and life changing. Change and healing IS possible! Definitely worth reading! A-plus!