to Jerry, Willow, Sheep, and everyone

[Pinkie Pie]

I haven't been on in about a week and a half. Jerry after I saw your response to me about printing my post and giving it to my Pastor's wife (the "Am I at a Turning Point" post), I freaked out. It was like it struck terror in my heart :eek: to even THINK about opening up that much. Then I didn't even want to talk to her about it, I was feeling so scared.

So I just withdrew from the whole issue and decided I guess I'm not as ready to "test my wings" as I thought.

But yours and Willow's words keep coming back to me, and have been since I last posted. Which tells me this is something I need to address.

So I came back today and decided to take another look and consider it again. And Sheep, I saw your post and it helped me put everything back in perspective and helped me realize I DO need to talk to her, especially since the feeling won't go away. I am sooooooooooooooo scared to talk to her about it. Her "safety" record (hah, I just came up with that, not bad...) is I'd say about an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. So I guess I'll start preparing myself to tell her and see what she says.

I'm trying to figure out why I am so scared. I think it is because I'm thinking, if she KNOWS that I am starting to feel less emotionally needy with her, she may stop all together, and I am NOT ready for that. I know this comes from past abusive relationships (the "If you don't need me completely, then you can't have me at ALL" syndrome). My old church AND my family was like that. If you showed any sign of any kind of maturity, then they left you completely to fend for yourself. So when you DID need help, they were like, "You didn't need us in such and such situation, so you can handle this on your own TOO!" Like a form of punishment. Okay, so please be praying for me, that I muster up the courage somehow and that it all flows together.

[ex-shep]

That is not a fun place to be. I pray you get the other side of the conflict asap and be the older and the wiser

[Pinkie Pie]

That is not a fun place to be. I pray you get the other side of the conflict asap and be the older and the wiser

Thank you Ex-shep. No it is not a fun place to be. I am glad you said that because I was feeling very not-okay because I haven't been all "happy" about becoming dealing with this conflict. Or about becoming older and wiser. But you saying that helps to validate what I am feeling. So hopefully I'll come out older, wiser, and feeling OKAY about myself. Thanks. :o

[Jerry]

Dear Pinkie,,,,
What I saw in your post is how much you value that woman and what also came through was that she really cares for you.You see thats the funny thing about friendship,,,it demands resiproscity.Thats the paradox of love,,,,,,you can't keep it if you don't give it away.The reason I suggested printing out the "Post"is because I am sure she would see the love in the post just like I did.Besides,,,people are never fooled anyway,,,,somewhere inside they know when they are not being confided in.
Love Jerry
P.S. Yes,,,,I know I ended my last sentance with a preposition,,,,,,, :eek:

[Savedbygrace]

I'm trying to figure out why I am so scared. I think it is because I'm thinking, if she KNOWS that I am starting to feel less emotionally needy with her, she may stop all together, and I am NOT ready for that. I know this comes from past abusive relationships (the "If you don't need me completely, then you can't have me at ALL" syndrome). My old church AND my family was like that. If you showed any sign of any kind of maturity, then they left you completely to fend for yourself. So when you DID need help, they were like, "You didn't need us in such and such situation, so you can handle this on your own TOO!" Like a form of punishment. Okay, so please be praying for me, that I muster up the courage somehow and that it all flows together.


Pinkie Pie,

I would venture to say that your Pastor's wife will be thrilled that you are feeling ok enough to "test your wings." Look at it as telling her how much she has helped you grow! It is so hard for me to fathom, the care and support you have received from your pastor's wife. My pastor's wife was the reason I had to leave my old church. She said some the EXACT things that you printed above, "you didn't need us in ... so we figured you didn't need us in ..." But for her, it was all a line, just so she did not have to deal with me and my problems. Now, that does not sound AT ALL like the woman who has been mentoring you. She obliously loves and cares about YOU. (yes, YOU!!!!) I think maybe you feel because you have been the "needy" one, that she will no longer be there for you just because you are less "needy". Well, try to keep in mind, that she is a person with needs, too. Try ot focus on her as a person, and what you can bring to the friendship. Focus on telling her how grateful you are to her for how she has helped you to grow, and now you want to return the favor!

Keeping you in prayer! Do not think of it as conflict, but as an opportunity to share with her your gratitude!

Love,

Trish

[Pinkie Pie]

Wow, Jerry and SavedByGrace a.k.a. Trish. I felt SOOOO much support from your responses. It really made me feel love from you guys. That by itself has strengthened me, because just posting that whole thing was scary for me. And what you are both saying really connects with me, about reciprocating now. I guess I have never really reached this point in a relationship so I don't know HOW to reciprocate. So I guess now like you both said in different ways, I need to learn what SHE needs now too.

What is SOOOO interesting is that after I posted on the forum yesterday, I felt a little better so I decided to take a chance and email my Pastor's wife just to say hello. I really didn't want to because I was feeling so down on myself. But this morning she had emailed me back and said she was so glad to hear from me, because she had been worried about me Sunday, she said she could tell something was wrong. And that if she hadn't heard from me she would have emailed me to check on me.

So then I read your posts and I felt myself grow up a little inside. (I survived becoming a little older and wiser, Ex-Shep!) And I just realized that her sensing something was wrong is the door of opportunity I was looking for to tell her what is going on with me. I will keep your words tucked in my heart!!! :)

[Jerry]

Dear Pinkie,,,,
What an "Ego"boost your post was for me ,,,,,,How delightful !!!!!! I feel like some wise old "Sage" instead of Jerry Green :rolleyes: You see that is how friendships work.Friendships are like water in a fast moving stream,,,,,,,full of eddys and backwashes,tumbeling over rocks,the occational little whorrel pool....Friendships are only rarely 50/50,and then only for fleeting moments;They are fluid,,,,,,,50/50,,,60/40,,,,30/70,,,,75/25,,,,49/51,,,,,,,you get the idea :D Funny thing is ,,,,friends never notice the changing balance,,,,they quite simply are friends.Friendships are evidance of the "Holy Spirit" in our lives...If we have a friend,we often will choose to act against our own best interest...What else beside the "Holy Spirit" would cause me to do that,when I have the option to ignore them and live an orderly life?????I think our Savior summed it up very nicely,,,,,,,,,,"Greator love hath no man than this,,,,than to lay down his life for his friends"
Love Jerry

[Willow]

Jerry,

It's really hard to take you seriously when your avatar is a burping, crosseyed baby!!! :D :rolleyes: :)

Oh wait... is the baby burping or farting or crapping? :eek:

[Willow]

Pinkie Pie,

I'm glad this thing with your pastor's wife has been such a great growth experience for you!

[Jerry]

Jerry,

It's really hard to take you seriously when your avatar is a burping, crosseyed baby!!! :D :rolleyes: :)

Oh wait... is the baby burping or farting or crapping? :eek:
Willow,,,,,,That is far too personal a question for a public forum :D ;)
Love Jerry

[Pinkie Pie]

Dear Pinkie,,,,
What an "Ego"boost your post was for me ,,,,,,How delightful !!!!!! I feel like some wise old "Sage" instead of Jerry Green :rolleyes: You see that is how friendships work.Friendships are like water in a fast moving stream,,,,,,,full of eddys and backwashes,tumbeling over rocks,the occational little whorrel pool....Friendships are only rarely 50/50,and then only for fleeting moments;They are fluid,,,,,,,50/50,,,60/40,,,,30/70,,,,75/25,,,,49/51,,,,,,,you get the idea :D Funny thing is ,,,,friends never notice the changing balance,,,,they quite simply are friends.Friendships are evidance of the "Holy Spirit" in our lives...If we have a friend,we often will choose to act against our own best interest...What else beside the "Holy Spirit" would cause me to do that,when I have the option to ignore them and live an orderly life?????I think our Savior summed it up very nicely,,,,,,,,,,"Greator love hath no man than this,,,,than to lay down his life for his friends"
Love Jerry

You DO have a lot of wisdom, Jerry. That's something I have observed in this forum over the last 2 or so years I've been a part. And what you wrote above is ALSO very helpful. You seem to have a gift for knowing when someone needs a "push", when they need a "lift", well, you get my drift.

[Pinkie Pie]

Pinkie Pie,

I'm glad this thing with your pastor's wife has been such a great growth experience for you!

Thanks! It's not without growing pains, that's for sure! But this forum is the "balm" so it doesn't sting so much! :)