Is this real or not?

[hornblower]

I had some minor surgery last week and now I can barely walk without a lot of pain. Went to work yesterday and could hardly walk from the car through the door last night into my home filled with unsympathizing comments made by my husband.
I get so tired of it all. Seems like I try and try and things never get better. Im so angry and so tired and sad. I hate to say it but maybe church life was better than this. Maybe not its been so long its hard to remember.
I know I know its all ME!
So of course this morning I prayed and sought God who then in turn told me to call my doctors which finally I did. Im missing some work tomorrow to go in for a discussion of all my aches and pains with my main doctor.
We'll see how that goes. I am beginning to feel somewhat better so maybe its going to go away, I hope so. My daughter gave me a massage which ALWAYS helps me for some weird reason.
Nobody around me wants to hear any of this and I guess I cant blame them although people talking about such things has never bothered me any.
My coworker, as you may remember me complaining about her, thinks you can actually catch something from talking about it...........????????????
But fortunately, I guess you cant catch anything from her because she sure did enjoy talking about her own particular illnesses yesterday..........???????????
People and their notions............
So anyway I prayed and did what I thought I heard God telling me to do which may of course just be plain old common sense (which I lack a lot of at times)
and then Im laying here watching a religious show that happens to be talking about fibromyalgia which is what they say I have.........this woman is hitting all of my nails on the head.
She says its caused from trauma and all you have to do is let her pray for 'me' and Ill be healed (which as far as I can tell I am NOT!)...........then of course please go to thier web site and tell of these traumas of which I have so many in my past........its hard to tell which ones started the pain if indeed this is for real anyway.
My one light spot of the day as I sit here typing this my little dog is snoring so cute, I wish you could hear him............
These are the things I struggle so much with is this stuff happening.
What do YOU think about it all? (and BJ if you read this I didnt get your link you sent to me I would have enjoyed that..........)

I realise Im unclear. My husband says I am. What I am asking is........is that God? I go to their web site and its asking for a bunch of information and my computer is saying that this is unsafe........I think its unsafe too because I think I will be inundated with their give me money crap!

Im so sore I dont want to even bead.
I cant take pain pills.
Its cold down here so I cant swim that might have helped me some. Cool down here can u believe it? I think the whole world is coming to an end. Whats going on with this weather?
Its crazy!
and Im lonely too. If I felt better I should clean these floors or make a dress for my daughter or something right but no............... Im me!
I wish I could trust people but I dont. I wish I could talk to the most important person in my life but I dare not do it, he sure cant be trusted with my heart.
I think hes got somebody else this is what I always think........we are old and I still think it.
Sorry I know Im way too out there for anyone!

[ex-shep]

I have been through those trials in my early years of recovery. I did not know what end is up. It is agonizing. The best I could do is what you did and just post away on the forum. I will pray that the this too shall pass passes quickly -- not exactly one's idea of a picnic.

[Anna Marta]

So sorry things have gone to crap this week. Praying

AM

[hornblower]

It is crap this week anna and thankyou for writing to me shep and anna.
Still in some pain and probably wont go into work today as I should, but truthfully it would not be wise for me to drive. One doctor called me back, not her, but her assistant called and they called me in a prescription of muscle relaxers as she said this was normal (not for anyone else but normal for me!). Oh my that makes me feel good to know Im so pathetically different and I alone feel pain........????????
This doctor barely has listened to a thing I have told her so I know she is not doing right by me. What can I do?
This morning I cried out to God asking Him to forgive me for being the louse that I obviously am, not going in to my job, whining, as my husband Im sure would say, he can take drugs........I cant they all make me sick as I am so dizzy headed right now.........and of course my son wants me to baby sit the grandsons for his wife, she has some big deal going on in her fabulous job. My coworkers will talk about me. Im so tired of it all. I handle it badly I know I should just ignore everything and be happy.
My daughter wants me to drive her somewhere and then pick her up afterwards I said NO!
God told me this morning that it is Jesus that is the righteous part of this story not me, and so dont worry about any of it.
That really does help me.
Why do I keep on going through this over and over again why cant I 'get' it?

[Anna Marta]

Why do I keep on going through this over and over again why cant I 'get' it?

Now that is a million dollar question dear friend. I wish I had an answer, but I don't, soooo I send you love and hugs

AM

[beginagainrose]

I am so sorry you are hurting, HB... praying for you.:)

[Minni]

HB, I my heart goes out to you...Love Minni

[ex-shep]

I am so sorry you are hurting, HB... praying for you.:)

same here

[hornblower]

Thankyou all so much for prayers. Im feeling a little better today thank goodness. Things are still not the best between my husband and I but there is always hope. At least I can say that today. Im concerned about this pain Ive been having as it is most unusually bad but the doctor that did the surgery said its not that unusual (for me). Ha, that sure does make me feel good! I will see her soon and maybe then she can correct some of these issues that are happening with me. Stayed home from work as I couldnt see myself driving a car much less waiting on people and working on beads on those horrid things they call chairs while I was on this medication the doctor sent out. Its definitely helping being drugged though so ok Im better now. Grandsons are coming over today and tonight spend the night so Ill be busy. Got a commission to make a bracelet for a customer and a necklace too maybe (if I can figure that out). The bead store where I teach called so anyway thats very encouraging for me.


I know this happens to a lot of you, so maybe you can help me with it too, but when I read the new testament now, like this morning I was reading in Mathew about the end coming and who will go and who wont, I get scared Im not going to make it.
What do I do for anybody? Nothing!
It was nice to hear or rather read how Jesus felt about the pharisees and saducees as I see that those people are not any different than the ones that hurt us.
But then ............I also see its so hard to go myself and be His disciple.
I feel like all I do is be self serving. Ugh!
I dont want to be this kind of a person. In my heart I care deeply but now since Ive been hurt (and I know thats no excuse) I'm afraid to reach out to anybody ever!
Ive been walking with God for a very long time. I should be a shepherd by now and just look at me?
I always come across these problems when it comes to giving...........I dont trust anyone any more.
When I give I get hurt so why continue doing it? Then someone will say so why do I care if I get hurt?
I care because I dont want to be used and thrown out like so much garbage. Like how stupid am I?
To me if people are treating me like that when I am giving then those are not the people God is wanting us to give to.
I see it like giving pearls to swine............they turn and trample me.
How do you guys handle this?

[Jerry]

How do you guys handle this?

We need to understand the terms of our servitude to Christ.....We are seed planters,,,,,,,not harvesters,,,,,,and God is the only guy with a watering can ;) Remember what we were taught about seeds,some seed fell on rock,some on sand and some on fertile soil.Some get watered,some do not......

Love Jerry

[hornblower]

You make it sound so easy Jerry. Its like I want this close relationship with another human being and its never ever going to happen any where any time ever, is it?
I need my husband to be that person but hes so not there for me at all. Things are bad again today.
I tried talking to him the other day. I told him please cant we just work on our marriage for once? Why cant we just be kind and loving to one another?
He said why are you so angry all of the time?
I didnt know what to say to that.
For one thing Im not angry all of the time, I didnt think I was. But then maybe I am with him, because he makes me crazy with his mouth and the things he says to me.
We are old and I think its time to quit being so sarcastic. Its like thats the only way he knows to have a conversation with any one except for our daughter, he is always sweet to her. Or complete strangers. The next door neighbors for instance.
So anyway tonight I almost had hopes things would be better but he started making fun of me again saying I cant remember anything and he just cannot believe I cant remember this movie we just saw it the other night.
(Ive seen about a dozen movies since then)
He does the same thing all of the time, so what?
He got mad at me for eating all of the pickles???????? On and on it went, then the comment that he is going to not let up on me until I take better care of myself, meaning eating exactly what he says I can eat and going to his dumb gym every day.
I asked him if I could talk to him about some things I have been going through?
He starts making fun of me again when I said this.

So then I have been thinking about the church I was going too and the teachings they would have said I needed to do.

Like become more what my husband wants me to be.
Which Im sure would mean watch golf all of the time like he does. Trying to become interested even though inside I loathe golf............and I wonder when is it ever going to be my turn for him to maybe take me to an art museum. Like give up beading and only cook what he likes to eat, which I cant even figure out any more hes getting weirder about that every day. My house keeping always is a failure to him hes always critical about everything I do. I cant handle it any more.

I cant relate to anyone any more. I cant seem to have any friends, its way too hard to have them, they are all so selfish and self centered its always only on their terms. My friend of twenty something years wants me to take her to Tyler to the bead store there but she doesnt want to spend the night here and then she was bitching about paying for half of the gas money for my car.

Whats happening, has it always been this way, are people always so mean and only into themselves and I often feel like I am always only supposed to be a mother and my only reason for living is to take care of everyone else.

I end up wanting to die I am so lonely.....if it werent for God I would end it for sure. I know and have proof it wouldnt matter to anyone if I did die. You should hear the people at work talk about people that commit suicide. There have been people holding up traffic here on the freeways because they were going to jump off of bridges and dont get me wrong I know its a bummer to be stuck in traffic. but......
I hate this world I think Ive always hated it here my entire life Ive hated it.
I should have never married my husband thats for sure, we were always not good for each other. I dont think Ive ever met a good man, well once maybve he was an artist but then he was always marrying someone that treated him like crap too........ha, no really he did!
We were not close, not really, just good friends, nothing funny going on, Im not that way at all. I never have ever looked at another man ever Im extremely loyal. Besides its not Gods way now is it?
The health issues Im having right now could not ever be better by exercising in fact it could possibly make it much worse. I try to swim but now its been raining so much cant do that. Doesnt stop my husband from griping at me nothing does.
Truth be told I think he might be doing something very wrong. Usually in the past if he is picking on me a whiole lot hes doing something bad.
I cant imagine what it is at our ages but who knows?
I prayed a little earlier tonight and I do have some measure of peace but I am dreading working this sunday because those women are going to be at me again I just can tell. Ive been gone too long and so then that gives them the opportunity to talk about me more.
nobody will read this anyway its so long.
I hate living.